Looking for your input on my gender issues

Hmmm quite a few of the things that you mention are things I did as well during the long years I was in denial. For years I dismissed what I was feeling as a 'fetish' or that I was simply a cross dresser. I now realise that these were attempts by my conscious mind to deny my true nature, because at the time it was too frightening to cope with.

I'd absolutely agree that seeing a therapist is a good idea. They won't give you a 'diagnosis' as such, but by discussing these deeply personal, intimate issues with them you might be able to answer that question yourself. I'd also recommend phoning a trans support helpline if there is one in your country. In the early days after my own revelation about my gender I found these enormously helpful - talking to other trans women and men helped me come to terms with how I was feeling.

Medical transition is not something anyone does lightly! It may take a while to sort out where you are with all this, but that's ok! Talk, listen, take it slowly and gradually the answers will reveal themselves. During the first few weeks of my revelation I was feeling elated that I had found the 'answer', terrified of what lay before me and panicked that I had opened a Pandora's box that I would be able to close again. Things got easier over time and eventually they settled in my head.

Good luck!

Beth

 

Sure - the catalyst was my (female) partner's death sudden death last year, coupled with lockdown. Those two immense shocks plus the obvious fact that I was spending a lot of time on my own led to me thinking about my life and where I have been and what I really want out of life.

One evening in May it hit me like an express train - that things that I had previously dismissed as a 'fetish' or 'just cross dressing' were in fact more serious than that. It occurred me that I've been trans all my life and indeed have been in denial about it all my life, because confronting it was too problematic, too frightening and too shameful. Only then, stripped to my bare essentials - without my love, work, friends, all the props that had previously held my life up - was I ready to accept this fundamental truth about myself.

 

Hey don't worry! I'm very open to talking about it - 15 months in, I'm now someway towards the acceptance stage of grief.

 

I feel that for sure. I think many of us do. And now, a decade into my revelation, I KNOW I opened Pandora's box - the longer I hesitate to take action myself, the harder that box is to close. It doesn't go away.

Mercury - no one else can say for sure if you're trans or not. You are the only authority on your gender. There are many experiences that trans people share, but at the end of the day there's no one way to be trans, so everyone's story is different. With that said, it does sound to me that some further exploration is probably a good idea for you! You mentioned a lot of things that I think many trans people can relate with. Let yourself experiment, alone and with the right company. Play around with your expression. Look around for a therapist who's familiar with trans issues, if you feel like transition is what you need to do. And remember that you don't need to do anything if you're not comfortable.

 

I think you're tying yourself up in knots a bit here. It's ok to take your time before you're able to answer these questions unequivocally. Talking through all this with a therapist will help, undoubtedly. I guess what you're asking is how serious is this - is this a desire for a short holiday as another gender? Or a sincerely-felt deeply-held drive?

My own personal experience was that I wasn't sure myself for a number of weeks after my revelation. But the first time I told a friend my name and she gave me the biggest hug, I felt a rush of euphoria course through my body which told me everything I needed to know. I couldn't stop smiling! It was the most profound moment of my life; as close to being reborn as I'll ever get short of a religious experience.

That's when I knew I was a transgender woman who has spent decades trying to hide it, run away from it, in denial. But no more.

Beth x

 

This is what you're looking for. If being read as a woman fills you up, and you want to be seen that way all of the time, then you're probably not cis.

As far as it being arousing...is it wrong to feel sexy? Other people would tell me that I was attractive as a woman, but I didn't really see it. I didn't really feel attractive until I presented more masc. Consider that maybe it's less a matter of fetishism, and more a matter of feeling truly sexy for the first time in a way that resonates with you. Maybe as some time goes by, and you spend more time in woman mode, those feelings will level out a bit. Just another angle to consider.