Always knowing...

oh my god, yes! I'm 28 and think about these things a lot. I'm not out to all of my family, but I'm 100% sure they all know they just wont address it until I say something I guess. I have so many gay moments as a child and it's like wow I should have known I was different way sooner.

 

I have moments like this over many subjects, not just LGBT+ subjects. My main LGBT+ fight in my life was my lived gender experience, I female despite being assigned male at birth. I remember knowing this as far back as my earliest memories, though I was unable to do anything about it until I was in my 20s and did not do anything as far as living permanently until my 40s. My orientation (demisexual, panromantic) took until my mid 50s but there were clues that I had to work out all of my life.

 

Hi Nic, I just wanted to say that I get what you’re saying. I grew up in the 80s and 90s in a small town and like you, didn’t have any lgbt people to look up to. Well, I didn’t even know what LGBT was! Sex ed in schools was only about male-female penetrative sex. And I’ve never ”always known” - it’s been gradual with moments of clarity (felt attractions) and more moments of actively suppressing myself. For many, in this heterocentric world, solidly always knowing has not even been an option. And I would say, while I have not ”always known” throughout my life “I have felt”.

 

Yes, absolutely, I remember so many things that were indicative of my sexuality and my gender right back to when I was in primary school.

I remember when we played acting our roles from TV shows in the playground and I’d have been about 8 years old. I always chose a male role. At that age the other kids never batted an eyelid or questioned it.

Also when we used to form “best friends” at school I always felt like it was a boyfriend/girlfriend situation and I was the boy. I’d kind of romance my friend by buying her sweets and other nice things. I’d always want to protect her too. Girls used to fight to be my best friend lol.

I remember creating a fuss because my mum bought me a skirt when I was around the same age and I didn’t want to wear it. I insisted I wore trousers, jeans or shorts.

I also created such a fuss when going through puberty. All the other girls were loving the changes and the onset of periods. I absolutely hated it! It completely singled me out from the boys, who I felt like I was one of up until that time. I just wore my hair short and wore my boy clothes. People saw me as a Tomboy.

In high school I remember always developing extra close bonds with my female friends. They never knew the extent of how I felt.

Also in High school. Having gone through puberty, I could no longer hang out with the boys as one of them. I also felt odd hanging around the girls since I wasn’t always interested in their topics of conversations (usually about boys, clothes and make up). So I felt like I was in no mans land . I took myself off to the music rooms to practice the piano since I never felt normal but never really knew what the issue was.

Even though I’d married a man and had a son I still used to bond so close to my female friends It was possible I’d develop feelings for them but I always shoved it away as I felt that I was wrong in doing that. A lot of my female friendships used to come to an end due to me not being able to cope with those feelings so I used to back off.

There are so many more instances but yes. When I finally accepted myself and looked back, the signs of both my sexuality and gender were always there.

 

Yes, I have always known. But at 68 years old, I am stymied by what seem like impossible odds. I’m now living my life each day as authentically as can muster, but I seriously wonder if I will run out of time...

 

I have had similar experiences. I had no idea about LGBT+ in school days. I am still questioning my orientation and it is not easy to figure out while suppressing my feelings in this heterobiased society. I kind of had a feeling that I am not straight.

Just like Suitsme said, I too recall those incidents from past which gives clear indication that something was going on. While playing some roleplay games I used to choose being the female. When no one was home, I used to drape a long gown and walk around in the corridor acting as a female teacher. Used to make dolls and play with them. Used to talk to girls too much as if I am one of them and didn't want anyone to tell otherwise, but later had to pull myself away because I was a boy. I was scared of spending time with boys, I don't know exactly why? But, I guess I didn't feel comfortable with them. After that I got much secluded in my own space. I liked to play with kids though because they had no prejudice.

 

I’ve had those moments too. I played a lot of sport as a teenager and got excited in the locker room when all the boys were changing. It confused me at the time as I also found the girls attractive. This was in the 80’s and 90’s when people were labeled either straight or gay, so I pushed feelings for guys away to fit into one of those categories.

I can think back now to other moments that were missed opportunities too. Close almost intimate moments with male friends that could have been more.

But I guess that was the journey I had to take.

 

I just remembered I used to do this with my girlfriend too, and I also remember being jealous of her when she was performing oral sex on me.... the thought just shot in naturally "That looks like fun'

 

Hi all, that was quite a eye opener reading everyone else’s experience, good question. I am still very much in the shock phase of how I got to 45 and never questioned my sexuality, and really haven’t even begun to work it out. But reflecting on my own childhood and reading all your experiences has been a bit of a penny dropping moment. I put my childhood down to just play, things kids did, my cousin used to want to kiss, we’re both female, I didn’t object and played along for several years as a young child, it was the same with a couple of other girls I played with always being the boy in role play. I refused to wear skirts or dresses from about age 6, hated dolls and destroyed a few trying to work out the mechanics of what made the arms and legs moveable! my family all had me as a tomboy, I loved all the typical male activities, helping fixing there car, carpentry, fishing, football, I was the only girl
only the school football team in primary school. I rebelled against compulsory skirts in high school eventually truanting enough that they allowed trousers. I didn’t really fit in with the bitchy girls and preferred the swots as at least I knew where I was with them. I hated sports as we had to wear skirts, I had boyfriends in high school and that was all normal I thought, I Met my ex husband at 15 and divorced at 31 and so I don’t really have much early experience of boyfriends.

It does seem though that my behaviour was saying something I just didn’t see, I’m still digesting that thought.

 

This rings so true for me. In my “ straight” day with my ex and later my GF during sex I was always jealous of the woman. I felt she got the better of the deal pleasure wise either with giving oral or penetration. It was only after I was intimate with another man for the first time did it all come together. Both acts provided me with absolute confirmation of my sexuality and infinite pleasure. It became very clear why I had been jealous!

 

Yes! I remember being so jealous of her giving me oral, it seemed like such a sensuous thing to do, it felt so natural to imagine it... with doing it to a woman, I always felt a natural revulsion.

Not to be too graphic, I haven't 'done it' yet, but I have played with some toys...it became so apparent that it was so natural for me that I realized i wanted it more than orgasming.

 

Denial can be incredibly powerful - I should have known I when I was 14 but kept trying to 'force' it and intimacy and being liked and the 'thrill' of being with someone probably was able to mask things for awhile...

But really it was kind of funny, I realized I was always trying to "fix" sexuality.
In retrospect it was like:
"I am straight, it's so annoying that I have these urges give blow jobs and be on the receiving end of anal intercourse. And why is it when I go to the ballet I tried and tried to look at women but wasn't getting aroused, but when I looked at a cute male dancer I got excited, and then I saw his rear and got an erection... that's so annoying that this is happening to a straight guy like me! "

Someone on this forum asked "Who can you imagine coming home to, hugging and kissing and saying "I love you"...when I finally LET myself even think about this, I thought about a guy, and I was like WOW, this is what straight people must feel.

 

I wrote this on another post but it illustrated the power of shame/denial and repression:
I always told myself I wasn't gay because I just had 'fantasies' and didn't really like guys on the street.
It was easy enough to reinforce that theory by randomly pointing out a man to myself and saying 'see I don't find him attractive' so I am not gay.

I also realized that very often when I did see a guy I was attracted to I would 'shut down'. A couple of years ago I was taking a barre class and a guy came in I always tried to avoid looking at his legs, bottom and front. When we chatted (he was a regular) I immediately dropped an 'I am not gay' hint ("my old girlfriend used to say') and always tried to avoid him.

Last night I had the most intense romantic and sexual fantasy about him. Despite my 'not looking' I could remember his body and ... I feel so free saying this! gorgeous butt just the thought of kissing him made my heart race. But back then, in denial, the denial side of me bombarded me with all these negative feelings and I convinced myself I wasn't attracted to him.

I am just starting to realize how much shame impacted my past impressions and now that I have a little bit more acceptance old encounters like that bubble up and are interpreted differently. I can't remember what any woman in that class looked like but I can remember him so vividly.

 

As you start to release that shame and denial you begin to realize just how much you hid from yourself and tried to fool yourself into believing you are straight. I too experience revulsion in certain acts with women. I found male ballet dancers incredibly sexy but never dare to say it out loud. I would become embarrassed at the beach when I became aroused looking at a hard bodied guy in a Speedo with a girl. Wanted to be with him but wouldn’t admit it to myself.
When the dam finally broke and I became intimate with another man for the first time it drove home just how much I missed and had been looking for. It was the most romantic, sensual, erotic and satisfying experience of my life. Nothing we did in any way caused me shame, I had no reservations with oral or anal, nor the purely romantic aspect of being with a man. My eyes were opened to the world I had always wanted but hid from for decades.

 

Yes, I definitely have... as far back as 6 years old, before I knew that sex was a thing. I had my first boyfriend at 11 and I was in and out of the closet since then. I finally broke down around 25 and I stopped pretending.

I had a girlfriend for 5-6 years. It was pretty vapid and unfulfilling for me. She was a great friend but I stayed with her to only prove to myself that I "was not gay". Our relationship was nearly sexless. I tried. I was not able to perform most of the time. The times that I was able it was because I was able to pretend hard enough...

It's a complicated story as to why I did all this. I won't get into it but I feel your pain, there. I wish so badly that I would have just remained "open" back when. It would have hurt me in other ways if I had, but at least I would have been able to fully develop into a normal adult today.

 

I was also pretty effeminate as a child. I've changed over the years. I still have my effeminate side but I'm more "androgynous" today.

I often play the "alpha/macho" role around friends. I don't let people see my sensitive side. It's gotten easier. I can "flip the switch" from my normal self to a more masculine self. It's hard sometimes but I have practice.

 

Honestly, if we trace back carefully there were probably signs most of us could pick up from quite early in life. It's only within the last few years that I have been able to recall subtle signs from pre-adolescence.

We bury all of these signs beneath shame and conformity. It's only now that society (in some places) is allowing kids to go with the flow.