Hey everybody, I am a 36 year old relationship virgin who got a "no" from every single girl I've ever asked out (I stopped trying after the 10th one). I've come to realize I'm gay over the last ten years due to masturbation habits. I'm a little bit bi but more gay than straight for sure, so I think I should identify as gay. I've come on here in my darkest moments and received no replies, so this time I'm playing it different and posting a short post just to say hi to everybody. I'll probably lurk in this sub for awhile just to get more comfortable. I recently moved from northern Virginia where I'd lived all my life, to Oakland, California right outside of San Francisco. I was just about to attend some support groups when covid hit, and now I don't know what I do. I am having very dark thoughts. I'm out to my mom kind of, I told her many years ago but then never did anything about it. Even though I'm gay I can't bring myself to imagine myself touching a man. I must have internalized a lot of homophobia or something, which is surprising to me because I've always been pro-gay and trans rights. Anyway hello, I'm not coming into this forum expecting anything this time, but it would be cool to talk with people like myself.
Last I heard masturbation habits are not a definitive metric you are gay. Oh yes the dark thought phase. Hang in there, will discover they will pass. I'm out to my mom kind of, I told her many years ago but then never did anything about it. My advice to you at this time, forget the label for now. l My take on this at this time is, you are overthinking things at this time. Chill, and be natural and be open to EVERYTHING. You should note to yourself. You are Hu, human - deserving of love, capable of love.
Hi @Leopold - Welcome! This is a good, supportive place and a good place to be. I hope you'll find what you need. My impression of your post is that you really need human connection, with people who understand what you're thinking and feeling. Probably some of those people have had similar experiences. I think that connection is something we all need, and it's especially hard to find now. But it's not impossible. I suggest you start by thinking about what you like to do. Maybe it's something really simple, maybe it's something more complicated. What is it that you find yourself doing when you don't have to do anything else? That can be a starting point for connecting with other people. I am totally impressed that you invited women on dates 10 times. That tells me 2 things - first, you are impressively tenacious, and that's good. Second, you're doing something wrong. Maybe people here can help you figure out what to do differently. Good luck, man! And best wishes. =Sevn
Thank you guys for the responses, it means A LOT to me. I was so scared posting here and getting the courage to check if there were any replies. As far as getting rejected, I had a few women who were into me, but I wasn't into them. I think I was into women that were hard for me to get. Growing up, in elementary school and middle school, I had crushes on girls only. Then in high school I saw some gay furry art on the internet and it got a reaction out of me. I ended up looking at this type of art a lot over the next several years, but I never thought I was gay. I guess I could be bisexual but I haven't had a real relationship with a woman to test it. Right now my plan is to date a woman or two, and not have such high standards for them. Just date to get my feet wet. I am at the very least bisexual though and the thought that I might be locked out of female romantic affection has me terrified. Also, if I have to date men, I am scared of being with someone cruel or physically abusive... something I don't fear with women. I was just hoping I could make this a message board I frequent to get more comfortable around the whole LGBTQ+ experience. When the USA has vaccinated most of its people and the businesses open back up, I'm definitely going to some support groups in San Francisco. I'm lucky to live close to one of the most famous LGBT communities in the world.
Your idea of reaching out to support groups is a good one and it's just a shame that Covid19 hit when you had come round to the idea. I think you should still go down this route and talk to members of the LGBT community where you live and begin to make some connections. You don't need to rush to identify as gay, but you seem very sure that you lean more towards men, so I'm a little bit confused as to why you would do what you say in the following quote: I can't tell you what to do, but it would seem more logical to me to work through the fears and concerns you have about getting close to another man rather than lowering your standards and dating women who you have limited feelings for. That wouldn't really work for you and it wouldn't be a kind thing to do to them. The first thing to say about this quote is that you don't "have to" date anyone. Dating is something you should really want. The second thing is that you set the parameters of any relationship you enter into and make it clear what your red lines are. Cruelty and physical abuse should be absolute red lines in any relationship for anyone, be they gay or straight. My best advice would be to follow your original instincts and reach out to those support groups and continue to visit this site and post messages while everything feels so dark and difficult. Do you mind me asking what you mean by "having dark thoughts"?
Hi and welcome! Do you have an individual therapist? I ask because that's still something you can do during COVID (through a platform like Zoom if nothing else) and it could really be a big help. The dark thoughts is concerning and definitely something you should seek help to deal with. A good therapist can also help you deal with some of that internalized homophobia- many of us have it. Is there a particular reason you're afraid of physical violence in a gay relationship, or is it stereotypes (I'd heard that one too)?
