Guys, does it seriously take this long to get over heartbreak? (Lesbian)

Hmmm. How do I start. So I’m one of those lesbians... yes... the one who falls in love with straight girls. I had an “incident” last year that I cannot seem to get over. I have never felt this depressed in my life. It is like my love for life has diminished and my spark has been taken away from me! I no longer believe in love anymore either which used to keep me going. I don’t feel interested in anything anymore. I used to love so hard with my whole being now I feel a bit numb?! I had a “friend” met at work. A straight woman who is very unhappy in her life and is in an abusive relationship. When we first met she would play love songs and cry over her abusive baby father, I felt the need to save her, now I've lost myself. She would not leave me alone. She kept wanting to “hang out and smoke” so I did and we became very close. This girl led me on like it was nothing. She was not even my type but somehow I fell for her... hard. She was very clingy and would flirt with me. Maybe I took it the wrong way? I don't know how this all happened with her. But she would always say "you're the one person I always want to be with", "you're sexy", "I love you more than anyone", "I fancy you", etc... it was a thrill for me as even though I have many many options with girls, I felt comfortable around her. She would also get very jealous if women flirted with me. I don't know why she was like this? She would also constantly feel the need to get naked in front of me and her five year old daughter would say "mummy you only do that when she's here". I met her when I was about 24/25 and she was 28/29. She had a daughter and she now has a son. All that aside, last year she said "Can you come to mine so that we can talk" I said "OK" and basically she sat me down and said "What you're doing is wrong, you need to find a man and have children and settle down, how are you ever going to be happy? You can't bind your body with a woman and make a child that represents the both of you, you're 26 now, you're getting on" for some reason, this CRUSHED me and I started crying and said "I can't live a lie, I can't imagine being with a man and I can still have kids someday even though I'm gay" and she said my kids will be made fun of for having two mums and that it's wrong. I don't feel right since. It's like I cannot get over this girl even though she has destroyed me. I was so confident in myself and who I am but she has made me have so many fears. I never had a fear of ageing, she did, now I fear ageing. I always loved life and looked for the best in everything, she seemed to hate life, now I feel like that kind of. She used to always say she can't watch TV anymore, I can't focus on TV anymore, I would be more than happy at one point staying at home all day watching TV now I can't focus on TV and nothing interests me. I feel like life is passing me by and I feel full of dread and fear. I feel like I will never find love. I feel like my time is running out. I feel unworthy.I feel unlovable. And it's been OVER A YEAR. I still look at my phone every day to see if she has texted me. What is wrong with me? I am concerned about my mental health. I miss the love I have for life, I miss the love I have for people and my family. My twin sister HATES seeing me like this but she said to me "I warned you that girl was bad for you" Will I ever recover from this? it's been OVER A YEAR!!!!!!!!! Any tips to get over this?

 

I also forgot to say that I came out at 14 and have been very confident about my sexuality but this knocked me back and I never feared being alone, she did. Now I’m scared to be alone so this is all so new for me. I feel as though I’ve lost my innocence! Even people don’t interest me anymore

 

I am in therapy! I just wanted some tips on how to deal with my first heartbreak

 

Thank you for your response. It’s made me feel better that you were shocked by this and it’s not me overreacting. This woman was also my boss and would always use me for money as well and take advantage of my kindness. She is one of the most vile people
I have ever met. I am trying so hard to heal but she’s my boss and I cannot leave my job and I have to communicate with her still so it’s horrible and I’ll be feeling fine then when she calls me about work it all comes back to me. When I left her house that day she said about “what I am is wrong” I called my mum and my mum said “she sounds like a cult leader get home and don’t see her again” I think this made me feel even more anxious. It’s so strange the whole situation and I cannot make sense of it. I won’t say that I’m perfect as I do think she may have feel for me and I denied her because before she said that stuff she said “if you love someone you should tell them” and I said I don’t and that’s when she lashed out and said that stuff. Ah it’s all so vivid to me still and I’m trying so so so so hard to get back to my normal hopeful self! Hopefully time will heal! But it was July 2019 so it has been a while but I feel better than I did. At one point I had to up my dose of anti depressants and was in a right state but I feel like I learnt a lot as well and will not let anyone hurt me again. But like you said about me trusting her, that’s what hurt most!!!!! I also don’t get why if she wanted to be my friend why did she want to change me!!!!! It’s so odd!!!!!!!! I asked her why she did it once and she simply said “because I was curious” I dunno what that means???????

 

This was the post I made on her the day it happened:
https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/disturbed-by-encounter-with-friend.479789/

To be honest I just re read it and it was hard to read and made me nearly cry and I’m not even a big crier but the pain is still there a bit and it’s horrible. I’ve been through the angry stage where I felt so much HATRED for now. Now I don’t feel much but confusion about why she did I? There’s been no closure as well. She will randomly text me you make me happy etc... I don’t want anything to do with the damaged loser

 

I was in such a bad place after that. I remember crying for days on end. I cried so much I didn’t know it was possible to cry so much. I don’t know if it was the hope of me and her being together being diminished, I don’t know if it was because I was betrayed by a friend I trusted, I don’t know if it was the pressure she put on me to have kids, I don’t know....

 

A lot of people have said to me that it says more about her than me in regards to what she said but it still hurts. I trusted her and loved her. But now I see clearly, she is the most vile, disgusting human I have ever met and that's why she is with a man like that, they are perfect for each other. I am trying so hard to get over it but she took so much of my innocence and I have lost myself from it. Thank you for your response and for reading my post It means a lot.

 

Thanks for your response. Before I met this girl, I was innocent and she took a lot of my innocence. She seems very unhappy and projection is a real thing, I feel as though I've took on a lot of her fears and I am trying SO hard to get over it but it isn't easy. I have never ever suffered from depression like this. She deserve him, she is a cruel disgusting person and they are perfect together and I wish Her nothing good in life.

I'm just waiting for time to heal. Also Saturn return, I'm 28, so that could be making me feel very lost as well.

Thank you so much for your time and for response

 

Thank you so much for your response! It means a lot!

I feel as though this girl has took a lot of my innocence. She is a vile disgusting person that's why she is with a man like that. I do feel as though I learned a lot from her and will not trust people in the future so I guess that's good because I know next time to not like anyone hurt me like she did. I will stay away next time from straight girls I think... they seem awfully confused. As a lesbian I wouldn't flirt with a straight man because I know nothing would come from it. Funny thing is, I attract a lot of gorgeous women so I have no clue how I feel for her as she isn't even attractive. It's so strange and I can't wrap my head around it but I guess you want what you can't have???????