1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The classic “I’m gay. Now what?” I have a few ideas, but I suspect some are terrible...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lyman, Jul 19, 2020.

  1. Lyman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2020
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Munchkinland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So basically the only thing stopping me now from coming out is fear. I don't know exactly why, but I've ended up bumping again into this excellent post by Musicteach, which is very useful at this moment:

    Deep inside, I know that this is silly, that there's nothing to be afraid of and that I'm not doing myself a favour by letting fear paralyse me. These past few days/weeks, I've been trying to defeat fear through a logical process, as Chip explains in this pertinent post that I've just discovered:

    The same way my “Shred” thread was the nail in the coffin of my absurd attempts to deny that I'm gay, let's try to go through what I'm afraid of... There are essentially four things:

    1. That I'm not gay and just confused. Objectively, I know this isn't true, but sometimes this comes to my mind. But let's be clear: even if I didn't use the perfect wording for 1, 2 or 3 of the items on the first post of the “Shred” thread (which is probably not the case), it's extremely unlikely that I have generated such a big misrepresentation of the whole picture. So I'm sorry, but all the “Maybe they misunderstood you because you didn't express yourself well enough” are bullsh*t. Plus, it's myself whom I had to convince, and deep inside I know the truth. I know it every time that I'm attracted to nice men or that I'm not attracted to nice women.

    2. That people are going to laugh at me for having taken so long to come out, given that I live in an extremely LGBT-friendly country. Okay, it might come as a surprise to some of my acquaintances, but anyone that doesn't respect me and my process doesn't understand at all LGBT causes. So such a person wouldn't have been good support even if I had come out years ago.

    3. That I'm not going to find understanding, like in “Oh, come on, being gay here is a non-issue. Why are you struggling?” This is basically the same as #2. Plus, the only reason for supporting me a real friend should need is seeing me suffer, no matter what they think about the causes of my unhappiness.

    4. That maybe I misunderstood my parents repeatedly and also the gayish things on Edward's social media, and that he's straight, making the fact that I come out to Aunt Emily come across as extremely weird. But seriously... What are the chances? My parents have repeatedly said that he's gay, that his mother says so, that his grandpa knows that “he'll never marry [a woman]”... And all the pictures that Edward has ever posted are with women or gay men, including one in which he's wearing a hat with a rainbow flag.​

    All in all, I believe there's nothing to be afraid of. As a result, waiting to take my first steps is unnecessary and counter-productive. If I don't change my mind once more, my short-term plan consists in:
    • Eventually texting Aunt Emily this Tuesday.
    • Coming out to Oona on Wednesday in our rescheduled call.
    As a last remark, I think it was Ian McKellen who said he'd never met one person that regretted having come out (with the likely exception of those who put their lives in danger). So I think it's unlikely that, if I've got this far, that I'll regret having come out as gay or having done so “too soon,”isn't it?
     
    out2019 likes this.
  2. musicteach

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2019
    Messages:
    519
    Likes Received:
    88
    Location:
    Mid-west
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    F.E.A.R. Has two meanings:
    F**k Everything And Run
    Or
    Face Everything And Rise.

    Which meaning do you subscribe to?

    I’ll tell you a story from my Navy days. We were set to perform for the president, and several of us being new were scared out of our minds. Imagine how much dear we had, doing something we loved to do.

    Our Chief was a poet in a sailor’s uniform. He told us that he understood fear, he understood what we were feeling. But when we got out there into that field, it wouldn’t matter, it would all melt away. Our instruments were our shields, our music was our voice. All we had to do was start, and let the music take over, fill us, all we were doing was channeling it. All of our fears melted away, because we knew we’d be ok, we knew we’d come out on the other side.

    So tell me. What’s your voice? What’s your shield? Channel it.
     
    Lyman likes this.
  3. Lyman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2020
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Munchkinland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, Musicteach. Thanks for dropping by! Your last post nudged me into eventually doing something...

    In order to grant Chip’s request of making sure that “Everybody is in the loop” (in the words of Gordon Sondland), I’m going to type out which meaning I’ve subscribed to...

    I’ve Faced Everything And... Now I sometimes feel like running, but I know it’s just irrational fear. So I hope that I’ll rise.

    On Tuesday I was super scared and I didn’t muster the courage to text Aunt Emily. Wednesday came and Oona completely forgot our call, to such an extent that I believe she hasn’t even realised as of now. I can’t blame her because she’s under lots of pressure, as she works in a hospital with many coronavirus cases at the moment. I think I might have come out to her had the phone call taken place, but we’ll never know.

    During the next 24 hours I couldn’t stop thinking that I was ready to do it, and that I shouldn’t let Oona’s unavailability stop me. I also happened to read Musicteach’s “F.E.A.R.” post while logged out, getting very good vibes and energy thanks to it. So I started to obsessively proofread the draft of my message to Aunt Emily and, after a while, I decided that it was fine and clicked on “Send.”

    To prevent unnecessary anxiety (i.e., being glued to a screen and/or being caught by my parents), I asked her not to reply with another message, but with a phone call. And then I headed for the gym. She was so quick that she phoned me when I was about to leave home... I then ran downstairs and then ran a bit more outside until I reached a safe-ish place and spoke to her. The only thing I did was agreeing to meet at a certain cafeteria on Saturday to talk about “something.”

    As I had to ask her for confidentiality, when I texted her, I indicated that it wasn’t anything bad, and that it hadn’t to do money, drugs, crimes, illness, death and so forth. Despite that, she was super concerned and thought that some disgrace had happened. I tried to reassure her that everything was alright and that it wasn’t a big deal. The thing is that I was super nervous and f*cked up a little bit at the beginning, so I was like “No, it’s not a big disgrace... Well, I mean it’s not a disgrace of any size”, but then I managed to explain myself better.

    Then I continued my 30-min walk to the gym and most of that time I was absent-minded and feeling like crying. If I wasn’t in public, I would have cried for sure. If I was wearing a face mask, I wouldn’t have been able to breathe well.

    But as soon as I started warming up, I started to feel well again, and the prospect of coming out became a source of excitement, rather than dread. And I kept feeling like that while I repeated mechanical movements in that beautiful outdoors gym until sunset.

    Since then, I’ve been okay. I don’t think about it too often (as I already know exactly what I want to say and how I want to do it) and, when I do, I know that it’s happening, no matter what. Among other reasons, there’s no turning back because I can’t think of any secret to tell her instead. So even the chickensh*t inside me knows I have no other option.

    Folks, it’s happening.


    I love this story. You are a poet in a sailor’s uniform. :wink:

    My voice is truth. What’s more powerful than that? I know that, once I start speaking to Emily, truth will take over and that I will channel it. I know that I’ll say for the first time “I’m gay” and that, although it’s going to be extremely weird at the moment, it’s something I’ll never forget.

    My shield is self-acceptance. My shield is knowing that there’s nothing to be afraid of. My shield is knowing that love is love. My shield is knowing that tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life. My shield is a better tomorrow.

    I’d better stop writing now — my eyes are literally getting wet. Wish me luck, EC members! I hope to see you all on the other side of the closet.
     
    #23 Lyman, Jul 31, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2020
    LostInDaydreams, musicteach and Chip like this.
  4. musicteach

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2019
    Messages:
    519
    Likes Received:
    88
    Location:
    Mid-west
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    No no no no no no no no. I’ve long since hung up my Navy uniform in exchange for a conductors baton and band polos that say “the pride of the brigade”.
     
    Lyman likes this.
  5. Lyman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2020
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Munchkinland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Awwww... “The pride of the brigade”. What's cuter than that?
     
  6. Lyman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2020
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Munchkinland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So something happened yesterday… And I’m going to describe it as succinctly as usual.


    The first thing I want to say is that I was given the final push to go ahead thanks to the following piece in another thread. Anyone considering coming out should read this paragraph:


    And now, what you all were expecting, the story itself.

    The notion that there was no turning back made me assume that I was meeting Aunt Emily no matter what and, that way, be very positive about it during the hours that preceded that moment. However, in the last minute something unexpected happened…

    My dad (who is Emily’s cousin) received a very mysterious phone call and he acted in a very strange manner, running away repeatedly so that I couldn’t overhear anything. As I could only perceive it was a woman’s voice that was similar to Aunt Emily’s, I started to do what a sensible and mature person would do… Completely freaking out and thinking that it was the end of the world. Fortunately, I managed to calm down and devise an experiment — I phoned Aunt Emily while I was watching my dad talk on the phone from a distance. Fortunately, it soon became clear that she wasn’t the one speaking with him. Biggest relief ever. So I just pretended I needed to confirm the time we had agreed to meet at and said “see you”.

    The time came and we met where we had agreed, but we had to make four attempts before we found a cafeteria that was open (you know, Sat first of August, in the middle of a pandemic…). As we walked the streets, I made sure we spoke about irrelevant things, other family members and so on. When we finally entered the cafeteria, we sat down at a very remote corner, which provided lots of privacy, maybe with the exception of the nosey waiter. He was nosey also literally because he didn’t know that face masks are supposed to cover more than your mouth, sheesh.

    As soon as we had our drinks, I went straight (pun unintended) to the point. My feeling at the moment was literally of “truth taking over” — I don’t remember the exact words, but I know that it went all very naturally, as I perfectly knew what to say (although, as I’m quite seasoned in public speaking, I never prepare the wording). I do remember that the beginning was on the lines of:

    — I’m sure you’re wondering what we’re doing here and I’m aware that the text message I sent you was a bit confusing. Apologies for that, but there’s something I’ve never told anyone and that I can’t keep hiding, and I need the first person to whom I reveal it to react positively. I’ve chosen you because of something my parents have repeatedly said about you over the years, or rather about Edward. I hope it’s true because otherwise this is going to be a bit awkward… Is Edward gay?

    (Very quickly) Yes.

    (Even more quickly) So am I. And I’ve been living a lie for 25 years.​

    I actually had planned saying that “I’m sure that I’m gay 90 % of the time”, but at that moment all my doubts were gone. I was ready to face the truth. Who would have told?

    We spoke for a bit less than 1.5 hours and it was simply perfect. I couldn’t have imagined a better first coming-out conversation. She made it an extremely easy and beautiful experience. Highlights:

    • Turns out that she’d studied a BSc and an MSc in psychology while she raised Edward as a single mum. So she’s even cooler and an even better choice for coming out than what I had anticipated. In fact, she confessed that she thought that was the reason why I had contacted her (however, I expected her to have figured out, as the mother of the only conspicuously LGBT+ member of the family).

    • Although Edward has always fit in every single stereotype about gay males, he literally had zero clues until he was 21. The funniest part is that he even tried to date a girl (at least, I never did that). Emily, in turn, suspected that Edward was gay from a very early age and always used neutral pronouns when referring to his future partners, while hinting she’d be accepting in other ways. She also did that when she made him blush to the roots of his hair on his 18th birthday, when she gave him a box of condoms “to play safe whenever you feel ready to enjoy physical intimacy with another person”. I wish so badly my parents were half this positive… But unfortunately they know nothing about sexuality and human relationships and emotions.

    • She agreed that I have to get the hell out of my parents’ home, regardless of their threats and hostility to the idea. She encouraged me to do it as soon as I start working. By the way, I’ve recently found a job, starting in September or October. It’s basically getting paid for what I was already doing for free (modern day slavery, #myfreedomday and so on). It’s minimum wage, but it’s still better than nothing. The only thing I can afford is a room in a shabby flat and I’ll have to do a lot of maths with my food expenses… But living with two super aggressive bullies & control freaks is far crazier, isn’t it? The fact that every day I have several moments of “I can’t cope with living here anymore” is a fairly good reason to leave, I think. Plus, by living elsewhere, I’ll be able to be completely out of the closet months or years earlier. But I’d appreciate any opinions on this.

    • It seemed reasonable to both of us that she tells Edward, so that he can also be there for me.

    • She’s going to be my safety net, in case I receive negative reactions in the future when coming out.

    • I only felt nervous during a few very short moments and, when I did, I said it out loud, to calm myself down. But she was so good at not making a big deal about anything that there was almost no room for fear while sitting opposite her.
    Before we parted ways, we elbow-bumped and the last thing I said was: “Thank you so much for this. It was really important for me”. We went in different directions and one second afterwards I was already on the verge of crying, so much that I had to stop nearby and sit down in a quiet place to process what had happened. I didn’t get to cry, probably because I was debating whether I was sad, happy or what. Then I went for a walk because I didn’t want to go to my horrible home to break the magic. After that, I lay on a hill in the middle of nothing, under a cherry tree, analysing what had been the most emotionally intense experience of my life… And how perfect it had been.

    I spent a really long time there until, out of the blue, a black and white creature came to remind me that reality still existed… It was a Dalmatian. Despite my lifelong admiration for those dogs, that was my first time touching one. I identified with him when I realised that, the same way a crazy woman with two-coloured hair wants to make a fur-coat with his skin, 15+ countries want me dead. So, if the Dalmatian isn’t afraid of being the beautiful creature he is, why should I be afraid of being who I am?

    The Dalmatian went away while I had that epiphany and I suddenly realised that it was quite cold and that the sun was setting. I went back home; but, when I got there, I wasn’t the same person that had left the building 3 hours earlier. I was gay, I was aware of it and I was happy with the idea.

    I’m on cloud nine since then. I have strong urges of telling the world that I'm gay! Of course, I know I have to do it step by step and that I have to prevent my parents from finding out while I live with them. But I’m not going to stand still for very long.
     
    old tacoma, Pavel and out2019 like this.
  7. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am curious did she indicate why she suspected?
    very inspiring thanks!
     
    #27 out2019, Aug 2, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2020
  8. Lyman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2020
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Munchkinland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    P. S.: Thank you so much to all the people that have helped me to be able have this wonderful experience, by replying to my various past threads (Welcome · Lockdown · Ew/Meh · Ace · Shred · Now what).
     
    out2019 likes this.
  9. Lyman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2020
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Munchkinland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You're very welcome!

    Think of every possible stereotype about gay men... And that's Edward.
    Very sensitive, soft and high-pitched voice, effeminate mannerisms, played with dolls as a kid (only with dolls and with nothing else), all his friends were girls with no exceptions, had nothing in common with the boys, bullied at school for being “gay”, never into any kind of (macho) sport...

    And, interestingly, items #1 and 2 from your thread also hold for Edward, especially #1. Edward's social media profiles are contain lots of albums of Naomi Campbell and other female models with different outfits. And he loved dressing his dolls with nice dresses.
    Emily said that she new that, of course, none of this was strong evidence, but that “statistically, it was positively correlated” and that, given that years went by and she started to “see things that were actual evidence” because “a mother knows if she wants to see it”, it became pretty clear. She's super elegant and she would never say or make me say anything too explicit, so maybe that's why she didn't elaborate any further with regard to what those things were. I didn't feel compelled to ask, so I'm afraid I can't tell you more.

    But I reiterate that none of those stereotypes are sufficient or necessary conditions for being gay. For example, I'm the opposite of all of them, except for being very sensitive (which I am).
     
    #29 Lyman, Aug 2, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2020
    out2019 likes this.
  10. Lyman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2020
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Munchkinland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    P. P. S.: I love the new Out Status on my profile. Next station: “Some people”.
     
  11. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    my gut reaction to this was (besides being happy for you) was not 'jealousy' but wishing it was me.

    A lot of people say once you admit to yourself you're gay, it's pretty hard to put the genie back in the bottle.
     
    old tacoma likes this.
  12. musicteach

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2019
    Messages:
    519
    Likes Received:
    88
    Location:
    Mid-west
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    lol we’re fierce okay


    Actually though what it comes from is that all of our athletics are named The Brigade. The band is the public face of that.
     
  13. Lyman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2020
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Munchkinland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sometimes, when I read posts you write, it seems that I can envision the fight between your unconscious and your conscious self... What do you wish exactly?

    Well, it's not a bed of roses. There are still some residuals of denial and internalised homophobia on the other side of the closet.

    Okay, okay. That also seems to make sense. :slight_smile:
     
    out2019 likes this.
  14. musicteach

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2019
    Messages:
    519
    Likes Received:
    88
    Location:
    Mid-west
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So the band really has two nicknames. The first being “The Band of Distinction” and the second “The Pride of the Brigade”.
     
  15. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The feeling you had after you told your aunt.
     
    Lyman likes this.
  16. Lyman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2020
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Munchkinland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    How it started... And how it’s going

    I wanted to post a follow-up here, at my last big thread, because I guess it’s nice for EC folks to see how the support you give is useful. :slight_smile: Plus, I might inspire anyone with some of this.

    The last thing I’d told you is that I had come out to someone for the first time, on August 1st (full story: here). That person was Aunt Emily, who then told her son Edward, who is gay.

    Since then, I’ve actively come out to 12 people that either were important to me before that moment or that are LGBT+. That increases the count of individuals who know to 15 (I’m counting a guy who supported me online too), to which I should add 18 irrelevant-ish people from whom I didn’t bother to hide it because it didn’t make sense in the corresponding situations. This is actually my first time doing the math — good to know my numbers!

    Highlights of those coming out stories:

    ■ The first person I told post-Aunt-Emily was a random stranger, whom I met while having dinner by myself at a gay restaurant while travelling. He’s become one of my most valuable friends, despite the age gap (he’s 42). We explored a lot of places together and, although at first he was *very* interested in doing me, he ultimately was content with the idea of just being a friend, once he understood better the life stage I was at. We talk a lot on the phone (unfortunately, he lives quite far away) and we’ve built a very meaningful and intimate friendship. (Remark for our youngest members: this made sense because I was very careful/paranoid, to prevent any danger. Never trust strangers!)

    ■ The second person I told was Oona (see the original post for some context). My gut was super right about her — she’s the absolute best at giving sensible advice and, what is more, it turns out her only sibling is a lesbian 2 years older than me, who got as late to the party as I did.

    ■ The third was Jan (again, see that post), right after holidays, because I didn’t want to run the risk of being mutually awkward and being forced to spend days together. He’s a straight guy that knows absolutely nothing about how coming out to oneself works, and yet he was super soft and supportive, and showed genuine interest. He surprised me very positively, as he usually does.

    ■ Then I told a mutual friend of Oona and mine, who is gay... Actually, at that point I already considered him an ex-friend (he’s the one I’d mentioned before) and, well, I wasn’t mistaken in my judgement. I opened up to him because Oona insisted on how much of a good guy he is and how helpful he’d be, but I learnt a lesson — if someone doesn’t give f’s about you before coming out to them, they aren’t going to change afterwards, no matter how gay they are.

    ■ I also came out to the two girls I “liked” (the ones I’d described elsewhere). I have to say that I have great taste because their reactions were wonderful, and both of them have been supporting a lot me ever since. Our friendships have reached a new level of mutual trust, and it was a great relief to confess to them that I “liked” them. Since them, I’m completely sure it was all bs and I’m really happy of not being perceived as a threat when I just want to be their a friend. Fun fact: I hesitated a little bit with one of them, when I discovered that she has tattoos of my favourite cartoons when I was a kid and that she's the only other person on earth as obsessed with that as I am.

    ■ I told my best (straight male) friend from my college days and, ugh, the whole thing was clearly uncomfortable for him and he reacted with a “Ew, discussing feelings!” panic attack. He even said “Uhhh, I hope you aren’t trying to say that you like me”, sheesh.

    ■ With the other straight male friend I discussed the topic with, my approach was simply saying one sentence about it. But in this case it was different, as I wasn’t looking for support (I was already done with the short list of people I wanted to tell about this) and was just explaining what was new in my life.​

    Other things from the original post I’ve tried:

    ■ Chatting a bit more with Zachary, the activist that had supported me. As expected, he doesn’t care much about me (he’s not my friend!) and we might never talk again — I have no plans of contacting him again and I’m sure that he won’t do it.

    ■ Interacting with the LGBT+ association that Zachary dislikes. I must admit he was completely right about these people — they are, indeed, “complicated”. Meeting them was a remarkably bad experience and I don’t want to see any of them again.

    ■ I’ve asked friends about how hookup apps work and, ugh, I still want to avoid them. It really makes no sense to me — I’d strongly prefer meeting guys at a bar or whatever. On the other hand, I don’t have plenty of options, so I might end up doing it.

    ■ I had a wonderful chance to stay at a gaybourhood, and it felt really, really good. I felt super happy and accepted. Zero shame and zero fear. Since them, I find the same warmth as long as I manage to talk to one of my 2.5 gay friends from time to time.​

    More things I’ve learnt:

    ■ Literally no one expected me to be gay. I thought at least some friends would have considered it as a possibility. Hello? I’ve never ever done anything that indicated the faintest interest in girls...

    ■ Apparently I’m wayyyyy more (conventionally) attractive than what I thought. In hindsight, it makes sense because I’m very tall and exercise a lot — and, well, I received quite a lot of attention in the past for someone who tried to avoid it as the plague.

    ■ I’ve been back to “Maybe I’m not gay” crises twice over the past few months, both of them in the aftermath of negative experiences related to coming out or experiencing new things. I did have more than two episodes of “Why am I even doing all this?”, but then I see something like two 16-year-old boys hugging at a park (it happened on Monday, and it was the cutest thing ever!) and realise that I don’t want to be 35 someday and look at a 26-year-old couple thinking that I don’t want to waste another decade. Moral: progress isn’t always linear, but it’s unstoppable if you really try.

    ■ The “Once you tell some people, the ship has sailed” mantra is quite true. Knowing this, I’ve been careful to only come out in two social circles, both of which are relatively isolated from my family, despite the smallness of our town. I’m really grateful that being gay is totally safe at the point of time and space I live in; otherwise I’d already be in trouble.

    ■ It’s far easier to masturbate without shame, doubts or post-orgasm guilt. At first, it took a while to figure out how often to do it for it to be healthy/convenient, but everything was fine after a while.

    ■ I’m unblocking more and more memories regarding evidence of me being what I am, like how I felt as a kiddo watching commercials of a semi-naked David Gandy with Achille Togliani singing on the background.

    ■ All it takes to have social life (especially if you don’t have lots of friends to begin with and work from home) is not giving up and keep trying. It's even possible to do it safely during a pandemic.​

    The dynamics with my parents is significantly better now, but they still don’t know. I’ll leave the details for future threads.

    Overall, zero regrets. Stay tuned and take care! Keep being fabulous!
     
    #36 Lyman, Dec 17, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2020
    out2019, old tacoma and Unsure77 like this.
  17. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for posting your updates- I have found your journey inspiring and informative!

    I used to not think it was important to engage in the community, but now I know how important it is. When I am with someone whom I feel its safe to share that I gay, I no doubts, regrets, I feel super happy and so natural.... the good thing is once you get a little taste you're motivated to engage in it more.

    This is the only thing I find unusual. I had a couple of girlfriends, a couple hinted they thought I was gay, I am sure when I come out to one (I am planning to) she'll say she knew....

    It's so interesting to see how doubt is actually fear -or negative experiences can cloud our judgement.

    Oh yes! Genie is out of the bottle, train has left the station.. sometimes it's frightening but it's also a very freeing feeling.

    This is still what I worry about so I abstain because I am afraid of going back into denial.
     
  18. Lyman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2020
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Munchkinland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, Out. Glad to hear from you again. Thanks for appreciating! I'm not sure if I've read all your recent postings, but you seem to be doing better, according to the ones I've read. Aren't you?

    The best part of now having a gay intimate friend in his 40s is that, although he has some issues on his own, he has quite a lot of wisdom to transmit, as a result of having been out of the closet for many years.

    We were once commenting how being way too much interested in the “Personal life” section of Wikipedia biographies is a universal experience for many young LGBT+ folks figuring out (like me in the past), and his take on it was that “it responds to the need of feeling that you aren't alone in the universe”.

    So I wouldn't say I need to engage in the community to feel good at this point, but I certainly find it necessary to have gay friends around with whom I can talk from time to time. I don't even need to talk about anything gay with them. Just hanging out and being reminded of their existence feels great.

    Ikr? I was convinced that three girl friends were likely to know. But, well, according to my gay cousin's semi-humorous remark, “it's natural that they assumed you were some kind of romantically-dysfunctional oddball, given that you're so much into (something stereotypically nerdy that I don't need to disclose).” He made me laugh with that one.
    I'm sure that both my parents know or strongly suspect, either consciously or subconsciously. I have plans regarding them, but that will be future thread fuel.

    It's amazing, yes. There's perfect correlation.

    As documented at the beginning of this thread, I first considered working with that strategy for your same arguments, but then I listened to Chip and forgot about it.

    At the beginning, I was scared of going back to denial, but I've been fine. Having a minimum of LGBT+ people around is the only “trick” I need right now, and I'd probably be mostly fine even without it.
     
    out2019 likes this.
  19. Lyman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2020
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Munchkinland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've just realised that I forgot one of the most important ones:

    ■ Fear and shame die if they can't feed on secrecy. I'm proud to say that now, for the first time in ever, there's nothing in me that is a secret unconditionally. By this I mean that, for each of my secrets, there's at least one person on earth with whom I've decided to share it. I don't need everyone to know each of them, and so far I haven't found anyone with whom I've wanted to share everything (but there are a few people that know almost all). I used to feel ashamed of the sexual kinks I have (which are actually quite normal), of having a type of guys I like (well, of liking guys, for that matter) and even of a health condition I have, to name a couple, but not anymore.

    It feels so great! 2020 has been a year of great liberation, far beyond sex.
     
    #39 Lyman, Dec 27, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2020
    out2019 likes this.
  20. Lemony

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2020
    Messages:
    317
    Likes Received:
    138
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I read all of this. Everything. I am so proud of you. So inspiring.:hearts:
     
    Lyman likes this.