Not quite sure what I am looking for here, but I am certainly happy I found this site. Its been pretty awesome reading the story of so many people that have been place where I am currently. I am 39 years old, going on 12 years of being married to my elementary school (5th grade) sweetheart, my first kiss, my best friend. We have twin girls, 5-1/2 years old and they could not be any more perfect than they already are. From the outside looking in, we seem to have a pretty darn good life. And in most areas, we do. Except one, one area that seems to grow larger as each day passes. One part of me that I feel is screaming to get out. Consuming most of my thoughts each day, telling me “it’s time”. And as much as I try to ignore it, it grows stronger. I have never actually said the words out load. I have never told another human being; about the secret I have lived with and kept bottled up for much of my life….I’m gay. Even just typing those two words is difficult. Not difficult because I believe there is anything wrong with being gay, quite the opposite. Inside, I long to be able to live my life openly. To be able to wake up each morning and see someone I am crazy attracted to. Someone that gives me butterflies in my stomach each time I see them. Someone I look at not just as a “best friend” but as something much more. What makes those things so extremely difficult to type, is I know that once I open that door and those words come out, there is no more hiding it. Inevitably, because of the past decisions I have chose to make, I will hurt the 3 people in this world that I love the most, my wife and girls. That right there is something I just can't imagine doing. I am truly not sure what my next step should be. What I do know, is the way I am living right now, and the way I am feeling inside, is something I don’t want to do it anymore. I am not living my truth, and I hate it.
Reading your story, I felt your words deep in my soul because I was there at 39 and even at 49 and did not come out til after 50 when my kids were much older and are still getting used to having a gay dad who is with this man they just recently met who isn’t a big part of their lives. If you come out now, your kids will always remember you this way and if you’re lucky and find love, they will have grown up with your partner and will always know him as part of your & their life. My advice would be to live authentically ASAP. It will not be easy but you’ll go through the darkest of times as the man you truly are, and when you emerge, you’ll be at peace. saying “I’m gay” out loud to someone else was the most traumatic yet liberating moment of my life, and being an openly gay man has helped me discover so much more of me that I had hidden not just from the world but from myself. Hugs & best of luck in whatever you decide.
I can totally relate to this. I have always had issues with my gender and sexuality. I guess it’s nature over nurture. Raised as a traditional male, rugby, football (soccer), drinking beer and being a real man. But I never felt comfortable with it. I always felt different to my friends, less at ease and lacking confidence. I dressed as a child and in to my twenties with my then girlfriend but never truly expressed my feelings to anyone. I’m now 47 and have struggled for years with loneliness (despite being married with two amazing kids) and friendships. This whole pandemic has allowed me to reflect on why I have been sad, why I have been unsettled. I need to change and find my happy. I have sexual attractions to men but only as my true female self. I don’t want to hurt the three most important people in my life but if I don’t do this I may end up doing something that will hurt them even more. I won’t be here. It’s tough guys. It’s scary. It frightening. I hope I have the strength to see this through. I told my wife about some of it last week but not the whole transgender thing. I’ve started the journey xx
Hey there. I completely understand where you are at. Gay here too and I am realizing a straight marriage is too difficult to maintain. I don’t want to hurt anyone but can’t go on like this...
I think about this constantly, my current age and my kids and where they're at in life. Something inside is telling me, if I wait much longer, it would just be that much more difficult for them. And the thought of being able to live openly, no longer having this secret weighing on everything I do, it seems almost unimaginable. Thank you so much for the advice, I really appreciate it.
We live with all this pain, fear guilt etc. bottled up inside us with nowhere to go. Sometimes I feel like my life is taking place inside a pressure cooker and the valve is about to give way. Your last sentence couldn't be more reflective of the place I'm at in life, times 10, "I don't want to hurt anyone but can't go on like this."
Completely agree with you on the loneliness aspect. Married, two amazing kids and good friendships, yet most times it feels like I'm living my life on a deserted island with no one to talk to. I truly hope you're able to navigate your road ahead with as much ease as humanly possible, and you find strength you didn't even know you had, in order to see it through!!
It's funny how we all go through the same thoughts and feelings. Guess it's just a wired in trait for gay men, I wish I had sorted my life out years ago. But I think it's easier for gay men today then it was when I was growing up.
I tend to agree with you on how it seems "easier" for lack of a better word, compared to when I was growing up. I'm sure by no means is it easy today and I definitely don't want to minimize anyone else struggles by using that phrase.
