Okay so a little backstory...(sorry in advance for it being so long) I have identified as a pan-romantic trans male since I was 14 so going on 5 years. Up until I found the term transgender, I had the usual feminine childhood. Ya know, long hair, dresses, skirts, I was on the volleyball team for my school, etc. When I was 13 I came out to my friends as a lesbian because that's the only thing I knew at the time. After a year the label fell off real quick. I started feeling more and more disconnected with my physical image as well as the things going on in my head. I started dressing in looser clothes that didn't show off my body, I started wearing sports bras more often because they made my chest looking smaller (though they kept growing till I was 18 T-T) and I started doing extensive research on gender and sexual orientation. That's when I found transgender and at the time it fit perfectly. I came out to my family at 16 and it was going well from then on. Fast forward to September of 2018 when I joined the army. Now, I won't go too into detail but i'll point out the big things. During Basic Training, separation of genders were heavily enforced especially for the job i chose (Cavalry Scout, it's one of the combat jobs that was opened for females back in 2016) I understood the separate sleeping bays for safety reasons but aside from that the lines get bleary for what was okay and just unnecessary. Like while we're out in the field, which is SUPPOSED to be a representation of a real life deployment, what's the point of separate sleeping areas (that sometimes move you further away from your team) and labeled porta potties. Aside from that the nighttime routine fucked me up almost immediately. During the first 3 weeks we are giving 30 secs to a minute to do hygiene while being supervised by one of the female drill sergeants. After the three weeks we have about 30 mins to and hour. The dysphoria got so bad for me that I'd try to be the very first person or the very last person. Sometimes I'd just skip it entirely (gross I know). My point is, it was a struggle for me on the gender front. After graduating June of last year (I was held back for an injury) my identity just started to slowly fall apart. I still wear primarily masculine clothes and use more masculine mannerisms but more and more I have been moving away from the masculine side of me and now I feel i'm somewhere in the middle. I still don't identify with my birth gender but i don't entirely identify as a male. There are days I dress to pass as a male. Binder, lose graphic tee and sweatpants is my usual outfit for those kind of days. then there's the days I could care less how people saw me so I would wear tighter pants or a more "fitting" shirt. Then there's the days that are a mix of wearing a binder with a more feminine outfit kind of pulling off the androgynous look. Personally, I've dropped the trans label but I haven't came out as anything different. I still think transgender fits but not to the same degree as before. I've looked into being non-binary and it seems to fit but not completely. I came across Ash Hardell's and Uppercasechase's videos on the topic and it got me thinking. Can't I just be both? I don't have a connection with the gender I was born with, I want to have top surgery at some point n my life as well as take testosterone, so that's where Transgender comes from but I don't feel as though that's all I am as a person. I want to do things with my physical appearance that are socially accepted as female, primarily grow my hair out (I've kept it super short for a long time) because that would make me more comfortable in who I am. I am just looking for opinions or suggestions that could at maybe help me figure this out. Thank you.
Yes you can be FtM and Non-Binary! Sorry to have such a short answer, but it's absolutely possible to be FtM and Non-binary. One of my roommates is
I identify as both female to male and nonbinary. I transitioned to male, and that was a very positive thing for me to do. Over time though, more of mh feminine side came out. At first it freaked me out, because I feared that I had made the wrong decision when I transitioned. I started to embrace that side of me more. I became a lot happer when I did this. Now, I still live as male and identify as male, but many think that I am a gay male. At the end of the day, I am happy that I found what is comfortable. Figuring out gender is hard sometimes, because it can change over time. So you think that you know it, but then you can realize something is different than what you expected.
I'm going they other way, but i have found that if an outfit thats "masculine" has enough femininity in it, I'll be more apt to wear it. heck, some of my looks in mu look book could easily be made that much more masculine be the swapping of pants for the skirt. If i have to 'boyish mode' it, I'll ask for "They/Them" pronouns.
Ahh, my bad, I misread the question and I'm on my phone so I don't see the details of a member on it. Same goes just opposite direction. That sounds like a good plan.
You could be Trans NB. So you identify as non-binary but you'd feel more comfortable in an anatomically male body. I have a genderfluid friend who's the same way.
