Married and questioning! Help!

You're definitely not alone. I had no idea how many people are living the same way, there are A LOT of us.

Reading the posts here should help you feel a little less isolated, and validate your feelings.

I know it is easier said than done, but we have to try to forgive ourselves for everything we didn't know.

 

You are most definitely not alone! I'm really glad you found this place. Last summer I found this place and stories similar to my own and it really helped me normalize both my feelings and my process.

My situation has some similarities and differences. I'm in my mid 30s, just hit ten years of marriage and have two young children. Like you've I've questioned my sexual orientation quite a bit this past year. After identifying as straight for my whole life (while knowing I'd experienced attraction to women) I finally owned up to the fact that I am bi. BUT after doing that, I definitely questioned whether in fact I'm actually gay, if my feelings for my husband were mostly friendship and from heteronormalization/societal expectations etc. It's been a long process of sorting through feelings, talking to a therapist, talking to close friends, and looking to the wisdom represented here. So I'm going to give you some things that have been helpful for me, but I want to emphasize this is all a process and I totally get how much you're freaking out right now and it's soooo hard and scary. I want to assure you that you're okay. You will be okay. You may need to go through some really hard things and your marriage may go through some hard things, but if you are taking care of yourself you will be okay. I hope you can give yourself the time and space to sort through these things with compassion for yourself, and that ultimately you find yourself a better person, better lover, better parent with more self-knowledge because of it.

Okay...first thing to consider is your marriage has been completely ROCKED with the addition of a child. Yes, it's the most normal thing ever, but kids totally change the dynamic of your marriage. Are you guys getting to go on dates and finding ways to stay connected? After being nearly seven years into this kid thing my partner and I finally had to to heed the advice to date your spouse. We finally get what that means and how necessary it is. It is really, really normal to feel disconnected from your partner right now. Less time, less energy, a huge change in roles, hormones if you're breastfeeding. That's hard on a marriage without any orientation issues. I've talked to a ton of straight friends who have experienced the same type of waning in their relationships. I also found that as I stepped into mommy world I was around a ton of women all the time! How strange that I suddenly felt my attraction to women increasing during that time! I was around all these hot mamas in the same stage as life as me, of course I found myself more drawn to them. It's not bad, it just is.

The other thing I've been able to draw on when I get scared about my marriage is, "I don't need to be attracted to a bunch of men. I just need to be attracted to ONE MAN." It honestly doesn't matter if I don't find another man attractive for the rest of my life. (I'd say my attractions right now are about 75% women, 25% men.) Can I live with and love my husband? If the answer to that question is yes, then we're good. If the question isn't yes, that's where there's a problem.

That's been my experience thus far. In this forum you're also going to find people who realized they were gay and had to slowly and kindly extricate themselves from those relationships. That may be the case for you, or it may not. I know it's scary. Try to take things one day at a time, even one hour at a time. Give yourself room to sort. I've found journaling and therapy helpful. Deep breaths, getting outside, knowing you don't have to figure this out right this second.

We are here for you to support you no matter where your process takes you!

 

I wish I could give you a hug! You’re not a horrible person. The fact that you’re here and you’re hurting shows it. The fact that you’re conflicted but choosing to be kind to your partner shows it. I can definitely relate to wanting to be with a woman so I could know how it is. The heteronormative myth is a powerful one. If we’re on this part of the forum it means we bought into it along the way and we have to mourn our losses from it. When we’ve missed out on our true orientation it really is a grieving process.

 

@Kristy , you are SO not alone! Thanks for joining us here and reminding the rest of us that we're not alone too. Even with each other, this is not an easy path, but it's way better with people who understand.

 

I can empathize with not wanting to come out and be wrong—I worry about that, too, as I'm married with kids. I'm only out to my therapist. It seems to be a confusing time for those of us in the same boat as you. And no, you are not alone!

 

Hey be kind to yourself, you are not alone and you didnt do this intentionally.

It is a difficult thing to sort through. Perhaps something to think about is regardless of thinking of future relationships could you see yourself in your current situation for the rest of your life?

 

Good to hear that you talked to him.

 

Hey that is a really positive update. I am sure there are many people who could love you. I understand why it is all so difficult but you never intentionally hurt anyone. I am sure when time has passed and you look back you will also see the good in the time you had together.

 

My advice would be to be honest with your husband and unless he decides to end things, just take your time.

 

Haha, you sound EXACTLY like me. Down to the details. I'm wondering what to do too, that why I'm here. Just know that you aren't alone! I'm glad to know I'm not..

 

I actually made a post and then requested for it to be deleted because I was so embarrassed about my situation and no one had said anything.

I've been journaling and thinking about it all day every day which stresses me out to no end. I think I know what I need to do but I can't bring myself to do it, and I'm currently working through a lot of shame and self hatred right now...

Thanks! I LOVE Harry Potter. Haha.

 

Hey, welcome. I think a lot of people sign up and then wonder what made them do it but often it turns out to be a really helpful decision. Take some time, read some stories or if you want some help with something specific write and thread and we will help where we can.