I don't know what's wrong with me, I stopped looking for relationships of any kind, I don't have friends and I don't see that as a problem, I'm not even looking for a partner and I'm not interested in anyone anymore, I always think about myself and rarely others, I'm pretty sure my father is a sociopath because he only does good things if he knows he will get something out of it and he doesn't care about how anyone feels but himself, and I can't blame him because I know his mother is also a sociopath and I think it's a circle in my father's family, I know he is a good person, but I don't want to be like him, I want to care about others like I used to, but i'm starting to think like him now, if there's no benefit for me then I question why I do it, I want to love unconditionally but I forgot how to do that and I'm starting to believe it doesn't exist, how do I get out of this?
You seem to be in a rut, I have been there. To love is hard and to love unconditionally is even harder, but the shear thought and want that you speak of to want to love is enough. While where you are now seems to look really rough you possess the mentality to want to change. It is human nature to think about the self, don't be so hard on yourself in that regard. For me I just made it about others, I live for other people and I help as many people as I can, I made it an impulse to think that way. Start with simple little things like asking people how their day is, we tend to be so isolated and pessimistic. Being nice to people isn't easy, I won't lie. People will get angry and misplace their anger onto you and you will wish to amputate any relationship with that person, don't though. Love is also a thing I am struggling with, if it wasn't obvious by being here. I am only 18 and have been in my small town for my whole life, but come college I wish life will have more in store, so at the very least friend look for something to live for because that will give you something to love. I hope this helped, and I pray everything gets better for you.
I stay with homophobic parents in a homophobic environment and am not out to anyone at work or in the extended family. Due to those circumstances and more, I haven't really been on dating apps or haven't searched for people to date in over a year. I've even stopped hanging out with fellow gays as well. I've had days where I wondered if I was perhaps asexual or wasn't gay anymore since I had no urge to have a physical relationship or date at all. But then I realized I wasn't in a mental or physical state circumstance-wise, environment-wise to let the actual, inner gay-me out and engage fully. Perhaps you're in a similar situation as well? Where the environment around is isn't really helpful for you to do the things you want to do?
