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Becoming Authentically Bi

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SevnButton, Jan 3, 2020.

  1. SevnButton

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    Empty Closets has been SO important for me to learn that I'm not alone and that being a bisexual family man is OK. Posting my truth and discovering my authenticity has been priceless, as I venture out of the deep closet. After becoming fully out here on EC, my next step was to go face-to-face in a simple way. I spent a year with an LGBTQ+ counselor, and now I'm going a monthly bisexual meeting. I've come out to just a few people. That's been amazingly helpful.

    It feels like the next step is to bring my authenticity into my daily face-to-face world. But how? l don't want to be ALL about being bisexual, but I also don't want it to be a deep, dark secret.

    What has worked well for you?
     
  2. Nickw

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    I’m interested to learn this too. I’ve never met an “out” bisexual man. I haven’t found a safe place to be out as a bisexual so it is really difficult to expand that to the real world.

    When I am with my boyfriend I can be an “out” gay guy. But, my “gay” life and my “straight” life don’t ever interact. It’s like I’m two people. I haven’t discovered what you seek either.
     
  3. SevnButton

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    I've thought of things like wearing a subtle but clear sign, like a pin with the bi flag colors. Too bad I don't wear ties and tie clips anymore!
     
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  4. Ninny

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    IDK if it's considered superficial or what, but I kind of like the cuffed jeans trend! :blush:
     
  5. Nickw

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    I don’t even know what the bi colors are. Ironically, when I was 22 and bought my first new car I found this really cool decal in a shop in CA. It was this rainbow thing. I had it on the rear window of my car for 5 years and didn’t know its meaning.
     
    #5 Nickw, Jan 3, 2020
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  6. SevnButton

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    Well, sometimes a rainbow is just a rainbow! I love your story, @Nickw !

    I'm trying to upload a bi flag image, but I'm not sure it's working. The colors are red across the top, blue across the bottom, and a narrower purple band across the middle.
     

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  7. justaguyinsf

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    That strikes me as TMI. I know we live in an age were personal privacy has been greatly devalued (right, Alexa), but do you really think everyone needs or wants to know your sexual orientation?
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    To be fair, unless people are looking for it and know what it means, I really don’t think people notice.
     
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  9. MBM4K54

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    Like others have shared here, I too have never met an openly out bisexual man.
    Nickw shared about being gay with his boyfriend and straight with his wife and the 2 lives never meeting. I can so relate to that.
     
  10. SevnButton

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    Hi @justaguyinsf -
    Right! That's the problem. To connect with the right level of information, authentically, without hiding. It doesn't need to be with everyone, maybe just a few people. But I need some such connections in my face-to-face world.
     
  11. justaguyinsf

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    So maybe considering the context and relevance of the information in that context would be a useful way to think about it. Obviously it's highly relevant and useful when you're going to a meeting with other bisexual people. It's also relevant to your wife, whom I understand already knows. For acquaintaces or friends, maybe if you're sharing something about your journey and you think the other person is open-minded and the information wouldn't be off-putting then you might say something about it. I would give a thumbs-down to the idea of a pin or symbol of bisexuality ... or any sexuality for that matter. I don't know any gay people who routinely display some sort of symbol that way ... they just are what they are and live openly.
     
    #11 justaguyinsf, Jan 4, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2020
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  12. Lexa

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    I don't hide it but I don't mention it either unless my bisexuality becomes relevant in the conversation. I think it gradually becomes clear anyway by being who I am.
     
  13. Nickw

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    @SevnButton

    Thanks for this thread. It has caused me to think a bit about what it means to me an authentic bisexual. I haven’t come up with an answer for myself on what that means yet.

    a couple months back I found myself sitting on the sofa between my wife and my boyfriend while we watched a TV show they are both into. I had my arm around my wife and my hand on the knee of my friend. I remember thinking at the same time how both right this felt and how strange it was.

    I also remember the first time I saw my brother sit with his boyfriend together on the sofa during a family function. Of course we all knew they were a couple but it felt like uncharted territory. A decade later they got married and we all celebrated it and it felt completely natural to us.

    Even though I feel my sexuality is a private thing, without expressing it in a more public way the bar never will move. There will never able to be a time that it is socially acceptable to be able to love both a man a a woman until some of us begin to make bisexuality more public.

    I’m terrified to do this but I do recognize the value. Go ahead and wear a pin, Svenbutton.
     
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  14. DecentOne

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    I just show up in LGBTQ spaces, do the LGBTQ hobby stuff, and wear a wristband a lot. I’m completely out at work for nearly a year now (longer with co-workers). I served on a couple panels during LGBTQ-friendly trainings in the community. It really helps me feel authentic. I’ve now met a very few other guys who are married and bi (well, I think one says he is gay).

    I know me being out is likely too much information. My identity as a Dad is way more important, and as a husband, and I chat about that too. I’ve had plenty of folks tell me being bisexual is just a part of me, but I figure this part of me is asking for recognition, so I’m making sure that happens. It feels right, as if I’m more centered with that approach. I don’t like it when I feel closeted or with an invisibility cloak.

    There are some days I’d probably like it if somebody couldn’t see past the part that is bi, as if it was the biggest part of me. (Hmm, maybe not, now that I think of it there is one person I came out to through work who can’t seem to go a week without mentioning it, and I don’t really need that but it seems necessary to that person).
     
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  15. LostJedi

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    I think that this is perhaps the most compelling reason to be out as bisexual. I'm absolutely certain that if bisexuality was more visible and better understood when I was younger, then I would have identified myself and would have been spared decades of shame, anxiety, and depression.

    It certainly feels like I owe it to future generations of bisexuals to do my part to help normalize and destigmatize bisexuality.

    But where I'm at now is feeling a little like I've run out of steam. I've had nothing but positive reactions and support from people I've come out to, but pretty well each time it has felt like dropping a bomb because I've had to introduce it as a non sequitur.

    So, I decided that I would introduce the topic when a conversation even re.otely touched upon sexuality, sexual identity, LGBTQ+, etc. The thing is, it almost never comes up. Not because all the people I know are repressed or conservative, because they aren't. It just doesn't come up.

    Every month or two I have lunch with a lesbian friend I've known for a long time. We talk about our kids, politics, and work. I have yet to come out to her because there hasn't been a segue.

    This hasn't caused me any stress, because I do feel perfectly comfortable and happy with who I am. But being more out is something I've been thinking about, so this thread was pretty timely to come across after being off this forum for a while (because of nothing more than having very busy work and family lives keeping me quite occupied. New Year's resolution to be on this site more and go more frequently to the bi meetings where I am).
     
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  16. BothWaysSecret

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    This. So much this. I'm tired of living with it as mostly a secret (a few people know) but I also don't want it to be all about my bisexuality if I ever do come out fully. Even with the friends who do know, I feel like most of the time, it is about that (all of them who do know are LGBT), because I feel like they get it so that's what I talk about a lot even though I don't want to be one of those people where my sexuality is my entire identity.
     
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  17. brainwashed

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    Still working on it. Within the last two weeks, I've learned something about me, my conscious me did not know. My subconscious me was on it's own course, saying what my "all me" craves - human companionship and intimacy.

    This lead me to ask, ok why aren't my conscious & subconscious me not talking? What gives? To answer this question, I will post my response today on ECs. Stay tuned, still formulating how to word this important notification of progress in my head.
     
  18. Rin311

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    For me personally, I feel like I don't have to make a big statement about being gay. People figure it out anyway as they get to know me. I made a promise to myself to never lie about it. When someone asks, I answer truthfully. I don't try to hide myself anymore. I don't throw it in people's faces, either, but I definitely don't hide it. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
     
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  19. Jakebusman

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    I wear a Bi Pride bracelet its not loud or in your face
     
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  20. IslandMama

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    I feel much the same way as what's been expressed here. Tired of feeling invisible. My husband supports me in my quest for personal understanding, but he also seems uncomfortable with anyone knowing too much of our "personal lives." But I'm like, how will I ever get with a woman if no one knows I like them??
    We had a big fight last week because I put a rainbow sticker on the car I mostly drive.... even though we live in a place where rainbows are a broader part of the culture and don't necessarily mean anything queer (IMHO).

    Not sure what my point is. Just saying I understand the struggle, and I guess I'm glad not to be the only one.
     
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