I'm separating from my wife...is it supposed to be that scary?

I know how difficult it is to leave a relationship that isn't right. The thing is, not everything is wrong, it is just the most pertinent things aren't the way they need to be.

Your feelings aren't unusual or wrong. There is a change happening, and changes can be jarring. Be who you are, and part of that is being a kind and gentle person towards the person you were with.

 

I've been through this too. It is so, so hard. I miss my ex-husband every day. He was my best friend for 25 years and the grief is powerful. I hope you and your wife can both find some peace as you go through this.

 

I've been through the process to an extent. I left my wife at 43 November last year. It was very tough but with the help of counselling I found my way. I live alone but have had a few experiences with guys since coming out and it was the right decision to leave. I also realised the love I had for her wasn't true love at all.
I had a three month relationship with a guy this summer. It ended for a number of reasons but I started to feel feelings for him I've never experienced in my whole life. This sounds awful but I don't miss my ex wife at all.

 

[QUOTE="Rade, post: 6685590,
. This sounds awful but I don't miss my ex wife at all.[/QUOTE]
This is exactly how I feel. I miss absolutely nothing about her or heterosexuality. I still don’t really understand how I lied to myself all those years. I am gay and 100% satisfied being gay.

 

It does not sound awful; it sounds liberating!

 

It is really scary at first to be on your own and live independently as a single person. I depended upon my former wife for so much, I didn't really know the current prices of some groceries or how to change the vacuum bag (yes, some of the newer ones still have a bag). I had to find a local seemstress to alter my clothes and still can't cook to save my life. BUT, I have a BF now who is very sweet and generous. The last time we were together (he lives in a different city), I realized I had not had an orgasm like that in at least 20 years! It's like my body is "waking up" to being human again. I can really FEEL things again, physically, as well as emotionally. I believe this will happen to you as well, if you give yourself time. Experiencing your gayness as a part of your humanity is like coming out of self-induced coma.

 

So I know I’ve said this before but I don’t regret it all. I went through similar questions and fears while I was going through, I asked myself was it worth? I even wondered if living through it all was worth it honestly. The truth is... a couple mornings ago I woke and smiling. Everything seemed right. I was very aware of who I am, what I wanted, where I’m heading, and the hard stuff I have been through was a distant memory. It sounds so cliché but that honestly just happened. It is the first time in a long time I can remember waking up feeling like that.,. I even thought... God it’s good to be gay lol I was just happy. When you get through this you’ll see the high price is definitely worth it on the other end.

 

For the past few months I have been struggling with “working it out”. My wife and I are best friends and we truly love each other. I’ve often wondered if I will struggle with this for the rest of my life. My wife has suggested that we separate or that we live together as friends so that I can date men but she’s so jealous of me that I know that could never work. My wife accuses me of wanting “my cake and eat it too” or in other words I want to stay married and have a boyfriend. I think a closed loop relationship situation with another married man might accomplish that but thats a long shot.
I really admire your ability to do what’s right in your situation. You don’t want to live your life not ever knowing the physical love of another man.

Your not alone in your struggles.

 

To the OP....go with what you feel in your heart. Yes it's daunting and it was hard and really shit for the first six months but also very liberating. I hadn't been with a guy for 25 years till last year. And I thought what if I don't enjoy it? But I've had the best sexual experiences in my whole life these last 13 months. I don't have any shame being gay.
I gave my ex wife 20 years of my life and now it's time to be me and be real. If you decide to leave you will find yourself for sure. I was lonely at first but I actually enjoy my own company. It all becomes such a different life. I now love clothes shopping for example and put more effort into how I look, you become truly happy in your own skin.
The difference is my ex wife was controlling, I couldn't see it but my counsellor pointed it out to me. I've tried being her friend. But it works better for us if I keep her at arms length. If it wasn't for my children I wouldn't have anything to do with her, she's toxic.
I've also got used to looking after my sexual health and have regular checks, no shame.

 

JT I am so excited for you. Sure you're going to get cold feet once in a while but I've read your post and you know exactly where you need to be. I too hope that I can get to where you are now.

 

Some days ... yes. But I think staying would have gotten harder and harder.

 

Going through something similar now. Except it was my wife who decided to go ahead and end our marriage after I had come out to her. Living authentically and honestly is never a bad thing. It's been a month since she left. I miss her but I know that both of us can move on and have an opportunity for happiness. Hopefully in time we can still be friends.