My therapist wants to out my boyfriend...

People come out on their own terms to whom they're comfortable telling. In my case, i'm okay telling certain people, but others i won't. If and when they feel ready to come out to certain people, they will, i don't know why she's saying that, that's frustrating. In terms of advice, i'm not sure how exactly to tell her, but that is wrong.

I get the circumstances and it would be great if he does feel ready to tell them, since there is a time crunch, in a way, so i see that side as well, but again, it can be damaging to be pushed out before you're ready. Anymore than a parent or grandparent should tell someone to get pregnant already because they want you to have kids before they die, your body and pregnancy and preparedness don't function like that lol.

 

Wait a minute... did Tracy actually think Spencer should come out during the graduation party because a lot of his relatives would be handy to come out to during the party?

This seems confusing and messed up to me.

Also, what makes her think it's healthy and safe for you to consider breaking up a valuable long-term relationship? I'm really disturbed by that. It sounds like Spencer is a big part of your support system. If your boyfriend is out to key people in his life, who've got his back if things get dramatic, then why does he need to be out right away this second, to people he doesn't see that often? You don't need to lie to your therapist, but I think standing up for the important relationships in your life is right.

I don't know how this is usually handled, but Tracy's attitude seems to devalue something and someone super important in your life.

If coming out is really important right now, you can help Spencer draft a letter to his family. But as DirectionNorth said, that is his choice to make.

 

Maybe I'm not understanding what a gender therapist is supposed to do, but I thought Tracy was supposed to be supporting you as you navigate your relationships and identity yourself. It is not up to Tracy what your relationships look like, is it? Whenever she talks down about your boyfriend, refuse to play along. Do not respond to that kind of speech. It's basically negative gossip about your own boyfriend, with your therapist! She should not be encouraged in that vein. Just shut down on her when she does it. If she persists, tell her outright, as many times as it takes, that you will not participate in that kind of talk because you believe is not only not therapeutic, it is unprofessional and unkind.

If that's where she's at, I wouldn't even discuss Spencer's coming out with her, one way or the other! If she asks, you can tell her that her negativity about him has made you decide he's off-limits in therapy unless *you* bring him up again.

He may question his sexuality for a long time, and he may never identify in a popularly accepted way. As long as Tracy is your gender therapist and not Spencer's, she has no business judging his choices. For that matter, she has no business judging your choices, either. She's there to facilitate your transition, isn't she?

 

And by the way... I have not gone through hormones or surgery, but if you want to, you can tell Tracy, and Spencer, that you have been talking with a trans male who's been married to a straight-identifying cis male for over 22 years, together for years before that. My husband is completely supportive of my gender and orientation identity. If I were to change physically, we'd still be rock solid.

Heck, everyone changes physically throughout their lives. Relationships are about making conscious choices to see the person you love and interact with them in an honest way that meets both of your needs.

(Edited to add: if Tracy is like one of the therapists I've had, she'll say, Well, that's rare.
And then you can say flatly, Uh huh. that's interesting. And change the subject.)

 

A therapist isn’t supposed to give advice? Isn’t that the whole point of a therapist? What does therapy even do if you can’t get advice from it?

 

I my opinion, a good therapist should guide one into having the strength to be able to confidently make you own decisions not push anyone into doing what they are not ready to do.

 

I guess I just interpreted my therapist's guidance for advice. Like for instance, I have anxiety about what's coming in the mail everyday so she suggested that I download an app called "Informed Delivery" which photographs what's coming in the mail every day and emails it to you long before the mail comes that day. I guess you're right, my therapist suggests a lot of things but never really tells me what to do.