It amazes me how some days I am so confident and joyful. I love myself and who I am. And other days it’s a chore to get out of the bunk and get the rig pointed down the road. The times of self hating, the times of second guessing myself, the times when it seems the whole world is against me. But day by day. I learn to be me a little bit more, I learn that I am who I am and that’s ok. But some days the struggle is real. Lena Horne said “It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s how you carry it.” I am constantly trying to find new ways to carry it so my down days get fewer. I had a bit of an outburst yesterday picking up my kids from their mother, it was uncalled for, unnecessary, and just plain wrong on my part. But I was already down for the day. It was just a twig that broke the camels hump. Amends made and all is good with our friendship. But I ask this. As a 40+ crowd dude, does it get easier? I feel coming out was the only way for me, and I also feel it was the right decision. I couldn’t imagine not being me. But after 40years of being a straight guy, and then in 2 straight marriages. If feels damn near impossible to start a new life somedays. Especially this late in life. I really appreciate EC in all the support here. Thanks for letting me vent some. Y’all are awesome and the advice is always appreciated.
Liked, because I have nothing to add. I think I'm close to turning the corner, but I don't want to say anything until it's done.
Venting is always good. It is never too late to start living the life, where you can be your true self. Sometimes, it takes some time before things start to make sense or some questions that might have popped up earlier and never found an answer, but do now. Letting go of internalised homophobia, fears and self-doubt is a process. As you continue being yourself, and joy the new possibilities you will likely find that the contrasting feelings will disappear.
Nietzsche would advise us all to embrace "amor fati" or, the love of one`s fate, no matter what that fate is. In other words, in his thought-experiment, if your life were to somehow recur eternally, would you want to live your life again exactly as you are living it now? Would you love that eternally recurring life? If such an eternally recurring life were possible, what would you then do in the present moment to make that life one that you would want to live, over and over? The past, that is, our memory, is something we are continuously re-creating in the present. Memory is an event that is happening in the present, with all its biases and blind spots. Perhaps that is the load you are carrying, the one we call regret, or the burden of uncertainty. But maybe, just maybe, we may dare to ask: what if there were no mistakes? What if you were meant to live your life exactly as it is unfolding, from moment to moment? What if all of your energy and focus were placed not in rumination but on a crystal-clear focus on what you are able to do now, in this moment, to create a life and a fate worthy of your love?
Wow that gets a little deep. Maybe I am on the exact path I should be on. And got here exactly how I should of. As I said I’m on the right path. It’s just relearning things. It’s like someone with a TBI has to relearn life functions. It’s much the same when you have trained yourself to live one way for so long, you have to learn to do it a different way. And while that way feels right, your clumsy and you fall down a lot like an infant trying to learn to walk...but at 40. I dunno it just hit me bad the other day. But we dusted off and are burning bright today.
All learning is a little death, isn’t it? Paradigm shifts, uncomfortable truths, cognitive dissonance, all the mourning one goes through by the abandonment of erroneous assumptions and false beliefs, it can be trying. Beginnings are hard, but the human spirit strives anyway, because there is no better way than the truth, however difficult it may seem.
I've been at this process for some time now. Recently (within the last 3 to 4 weeks) I've made two major observations. Both observations have stunned me. The first was a felling of absolute and total bliss. I FELT total acceptance that I am gay and ALL PAST WRONGS & HURT DID NOT MATTER. I said to myself, ~"holly shit" this feels good. I sat down and enjoyed the feeling(s). The second feeling was total 100% acceptance that living with a guy, a guy I was in to, a guy who complemented me, a guy I could joke with, a guy I could be intimate with was all ok, perfectly natural and this is what I wanted going forward. Again I sat down, reflected a bit and said to myself I'VE NEVER SAID THIS TO MYSELF, EVER. (I've never wanted to live with a girl so I've never wanted to live with anyone.) . So I will close, there are ups and downs but ahead, around the corner, there may be attainment of pure bliss and hope. It's starting to happen for me - finally.
I can relate as well...40+ and still trying to figure myself out... The confidence factor is huge as well; I lack confidence in all of my past straight relationships but when I start to come to terms with this other side of myself it feels like a volcano of suppressed feelings ready to pour forward.....
@Poofter I few months back, my wife and I had dinner with a 75 year old bisexual. He and his wife had been married for 40 ish years and had raised a couple children. His wife and he decided to divorce for reasons not related to his sexuality over 15 years ago but remain friends and still live together some of the time. In his sixties, he met a younger man. They've been together some ten years and are very happy. He told me he has had two lives within his one life and they have both been amazing. I think the trick is to avoid thinking of our past as wasted time. Sure, there are things we should have done. But, those years are what make us who we are. We can use these experiences as a way to build a better self going forward. There is no age to say "it's too late". We cannot know where life takes us or how incredible our lives can be. At sixty, I have a relationship with a man a generation younger. While I don't see this lasting forever, my life is so much richer, than I ever thought it could be at this time in my life. Look forward.
Yeah, since I started coming out I cry more. Like I’m grieving my past sometimes. But I am so excited for my future.
Very well said, I really try to keep looking forward and stay positive about things. Some days just overwhelm me. I can’t wait to turn the corner and have one of those ah-ha moments.
Some mornings — especially the 4-5 mornings a week i spend without my bf in my bed — I wake up still in fear of hiding in the closet and being outed, only to feel relief a moment later when I remember I took care of all this myself 6 months ago! The process is long, slow and never-ending, but it has gotten better and I’m confident it will continue to do so. You do you, and all will be well.
