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Did your parents have their suspicions before you came out?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Canterpiece, Apr 3, 2019.

?

Did they?

  1. Yes.

    42.9%
  2. No.

    24.3%
  3. I'm not out to my parents.

    17.1%
  4. Other.

    15.7%
  1. Canterpiece

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    I found it somewhat amusing that when I came out to my mother, she wasn't shocked by the news, but by my timing. She was expecting me to start a coming out conversation in my early to mid twenties. However, I came out when I was eighteen. The fact that the shock was "Oh, you're coming out now? Wasn't expecting this for a few more years" rather than "Wait, you're gay?" made me think.

    Now, growing up I did notice a subtle switch in pronouns when discussing potential future relationships. At first terms such as boyfriend/he/your future husband were used exclusively. However, over time that started to change.

    "Your future boyfriend" became "your future boyfriend...or girlfriend" and then "your future boyfriend/girlfriend". Similarly, "your groom" changed to "your groom/bride". I started to wonder about this switch, and thought perhaps this was because there was a lot of LGBT stuff in the news at the time. That it made them think about the terms they were using, so they were covering their bases just in case.

    My parents weren't the only ones doing this. I noticed that my sister was not so subtly bringing up LGBT subjects, presumably as a way of showing support. Ellen getting married to Portia, Marceline and Princess Bubblegum etc. Often out of nowhere.

    When I was in secondary school, I got German homework where I had to write a few paragraphs for a speaking test. I was practising at home. The topic was on our ideal partner. Obviously since I was still closeted at the time, I used the pronouns for he and sometimes they in my work. My mum asked if my ideal partner was a he or a she, and in awkward shock I just went quiet for a moment before continuing to read my paragraphs.

    I never said I was gay, but I didn't deny it either. So I was stuck in a position where I knew that my family seemed to have already figured it out, but it felt weird that I'd never officially told them somehow. That's why I decided to come out.

    Personally, I find it interesting that people tend to react differently when I come out. Sometimes it's surprise, a lot of the time it's a "Oh, OK", but now and then I get "makes sense, I got a vibe".

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    Cue feeling weirdly insecure and questioning how you look/act/whatever on Earth could've possibly lead to this person getting a vibe. Especially if you ask why they get a vibe, but they can't pinpoint anything in particular. Yup. That stuff still sticks with me.
     
    #1 Canterpiece, Apr 3, 2019
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2019
  2. Ram90

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    I tried coming out to my parents at the age of 16. While it confused all of us, and shook them into complete denial, blowing up in my face as well, We never spoke about it again and I went into the closet for the first time.

    Ever since my parents have been dropping hints, trying to cryptically ask me if I was ok and over "that phase". So naturally I assumed they've always suspected ever since. It was easy for them to put two-and-two together when they read messages on my phone and I had to come out to them at the age of 28.

    To date, they haven't told me anything about their suspicions, so I'm not sure how much they've realized over the years.
     
  3. Chip

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    My favorite story in this vein is my friend Joel, who was really concerned about coming out to his grandmother, who he was really afraid would be judgmental and unhappy. So he put it off forever, and finally one day, he came out and told her. Her response was "Oh, Jesus Christ, Joel, I've known for years. He was relieved and they both laughed about it later.
     
  4. DarkWhite

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    My parents never had any idea which is kinda strange since I never wore dresses, makeup etc. I always wore boyish clothes and loved having short hair. Hell I even said I would prefer to be a boy multiple times when I was little.

    Well I guess they've just dissmised it as bunch of childish blabs. My mother was completely shocked, she couldnt believe it, my father was rather shocked as well.

    My friends, however weren't surprised at all. They told me that the signs were always there. And I fully agree :slight_smile:
     
  5. I'mStillStanding

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    Everyone in my life knew (even my ex wife) except one of my younger siblings (not even the youngest) she always thought I was just metrosexual. She said, “you told me you weren’t gay... why would I think you’d lie?”

    My mom knew she talked to several of her friends about it since I was like a little little kid. She struggled with it because of her faith. Sometimes she was trying to encourage me to be me, while others when she was scared I was about to come out she was kinda pushing me back in. I remember when I was 16 about to be 17 I had finally had a girlfriend. Kissed her and felt nothing. Called mom because I was staying at my friends. Told her we kissed and I felt nothing she was like you realize teen boys don’t call their moms to talk about this stuff and we laughed. She said it’s fine you’re different she’s just not the one. I said well she’s a girl with boobs and I’m a boy I should have felt something... I think she knew what I was thinking though she’ll never admit it. She said, “don’t worry God’s got a special GIRL for you just be patient.” It was the first step in shuting me down again. Took 11 years really to really open back up.

    Dad also knew and hated it. I always felt like he hated me and I guess part of him did. When my uncle came out. He said to dad, “maybe you should use this as a way to get ready to go through this as a dad.” Dad was like what are you talking about. My uncle said everyone talked about how I was special even dad had and he knew what he was talking about. Dad punched him in the face and said, “no son of mine will ever be a queer.” He told my uncle he was never to have anything to do with me or my brother. And honestly he always kept his distance. It was sad because he was always my favorite and even though he wouldn’t spend much time around us at family stuff because I thought he was the coolest.

    So yea my family knew... I think they thought it was settled when I got married. I’m a person who sticks out his commitments and they thought well even if it comes up he won’t dk anything. He will feel obligated to stay because of the vows. The vows is the very reason I felt obligated to come out to her. I knew I couldn’t be the husband she deserved... she deserved someone to love her in every way detailed in those vows and I couldn’t do that.
     
  6. Mihael

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    Parents and long time friends were not surprised that I'm trans. I had lots of male friends and wanted to be a career woman instead of having babies, enjoyed competition and sport, had a dislike for skirts, frills, and "girly" hobbies.
     
  7. Doopz

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    Yeah, they did, apparently after I was born they would think "Yeah, he's likely gonna become gay". So, I have to say they suspected it.
     
  8. smurf

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    Most parents get suspicious. I mean, if you are lgbt then it fucking shows. Its hard to hide it when you are a little kid. Adults will teach you how to behave and they will correct you when you get it wrong. We don't learn to hide it out of nowhere haha

    There are some studies that suggest that many gay men have bad relationships with their dads because many fathers try to get the gay out of their kids from a young age without admitting that's what they are trying to do.

    My own parents say they didn't know, but after I came out they told me they had no idea how they hand't connected the dots before.

    My dad said he "had no idea" but he would literally teach me how to walk like a "man" guys! Like my mom would say "you need to teach him how to walk correctly. His steps are too short" bruh lol My dad would spend hours teaching me the correct stride, what to do with my hands as I walk and everything. And yet they were literally surprised I came out gay.

    Even if you weren't feminine when you were little, adults teach you that at certain point you should be chasing girls and they will start asking the performance out of you. They will suggest cute girls, teach you how to flirt with them, how to ask them to a dance, etc.

    Denial is a powerful thing.
     
  9. gravechild

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    My father SAYS he did, while my mother saying "I wouldn't care if any of you were gay" or something to that extent. Apparently I was quite effeminate as a child, and spoke in a "high pitched voice" (sometimes attributed to being raised around only women).
     
  10. Destin

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    Not in the slightest bit. I don't think my mom was expecting to have to change from criticizing me for sleeping with too many girls to criticizing me for being in a relationship with a guy within the span of one year.

    My dad would have had to ever be around for him to have a suspicion.
     
  11. Totesgaybrah

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    According to them, no. But I find that a little difficult to believe.
     
  12. Love4Ever

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    Weirdly enough, yes. I came out to my mom over text, (I know, maybe not the best way) and she said she knew. This was in spite of the fact I used to be boy crazy and obsessed over male celebrities. What tipped her off was when I started to be visibly uncomfortable and avoid opportunities to be with men in real life that I think she, (and I) really knew that I wasn’t straight. My dad still has no idea.
     
  13. Mihael

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    Same but opposite. I was being tauht how to walk like a woman. *sigh*
    I apparently walk like I had balls, lol. But idk. I have no idea.
    Mom taught me to swing the hips. Oh man...
     
  14. Winter Maiden

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    Yeah, my mom had a feeling that I was neither heterosexual nor cisgender way before I ever came out to her
     
  15. Melancholy

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    I'm certain that most of them know, but I haven't come out to anyone. Things like my mum and sister's weird reaction to me starting my period made me really ashamed of things puberty-related. Even if I liked guys I still wouldn't make any reference to relationships around them.

    My mum has mentioned a couple of times that she'd be fine with it, but it sounds more like she's just saying it to fit in but is actually extremely uncomfortable with it.
     
    #15 Melancholy, Apr 4, 2019
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 4, 2019
  16. Andrew99

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    I picked other.

    My mom knew since I was little. My dad was totally surprised. They are fine with it though.
     
  17. 18breanna

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    I'd have to ask. I was quite a tomboy as a kid but that was kind of a phase stemming from my own misconceptions. I guess not because my mum acted really surprised, or maybe that was disappointment or defeatism? I definitely had some interest in males when I was younger but after a while it became pretty apparent it was all pretty shallow
     
  18. johndeere3020

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    The kid down the road the road and I used to go hiking, one day dad said, "You ain't holding hands are ya?" I should have run away as fast as I could and had my own life. :frowning2:
     
  19. Nordland

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    Yes ever since I was about 14/15 it went from "when you get a girlfriend/wife..." To "when you have a partner" or "when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend" - although this was just my mum, who later told me when I came out she had her suspicions, although my dad never showed any signs of knowing
     
  20. gravechild

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    You know, looking back, this is true of me, too. I remember someone once saying they became a lot more comfortable around the opposite sex after coming out as gay. No more pressure or awkwardness