im a 27 year old woman - married the past five years to a lovely man. When I was 13 I came out to my mother, and she reacted by making fun of me and outing me to the rest of my family. I had mostly kissed girls up until that point, but then starting dating men to survive my household. I never really felt strong physical attraction to any of my male partners, and have never had an orgasm by one. I kind of just dated men who seemed fun and liked me. However, apart from some making out, I have never been with a woman. During high school and even now I would be uncomfortable with other girls touching me. And I have always been very interested in lesbian celebrities. When I got married, I didn’t really think too much about it. I was thinking “oh I will never be able to be with a woman if I go through with this”, but as I had an eating disorder for many years, I had very little sexual desire in general. I’m well now, and that has changed, and I fantasize constantly about women. Truthfully, I could never have sex with my husband again and I would be happy. Over the years I’ve had some intense crushes on women, but I’ve always talked myself out of them. As I write this I think I have found my answer - which terrifies me. I have no idea how to go about this. I do genuinely love my husband, he’s a wonderful wonderful person. Ahhhh. What do I do?! It seems like I am a lesbian. I don’t get physically attracted to men.
Hey Macdaniel, I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. It is totally unfair and mean to make fun of or out someone against their wishes, especially in a delicate and personal moment like a coming out. When someone is questioning, I usually suggest to them to start thinking about their attractions and fantasies. However, It seems you already did that, and you found out it is clear that you are interested in women. Am I correct? Have you talked to your husband about this? If not, how do you think he would react? Do you think you would be happier/more satistfied sexually in a marriage with a woman?
I haven’t spoken to him about it yet. I was thinking of starting the conversation this weekend - but I feel like he won’t react well. And I wish I knew - I feel like that’s a yes? I honestly have never felt much attraction for men, but when it’s just me, all I dream about when masturbating is women.. I’m scared I’m wrong though, and will walk away from a wonderful man for nothing. Is that a thing?! I think I’m just bought into the compulsory hereo thing. None of my straight friends think like this, or react to being touched like I do
You can plan the conversation - what you would like to say, how, using a letter, in person... We can help you to do that, if you want! No one can say what your orientation is but yourself. We can see the signals - from what you describe, it is really unlikely that you are straight, as you are fantasizing about women, and these fantasies are enjoyable/positive, correct? When you say sex with your husband doesn't appeal to you, then there's a question to reflect upon: Do you feel like you aren't interested in his body, as an individual, or do you think men, in general, are uninteresting to you, and women are more attractive? Here's what I usually say when people are questioning in the forum. Maybe it can help you: First of all, take a deep breath and relax. This is about you and yourself, there is no need to rush to any conclusions. Think about your attractions. When thinking about women, do you feel attracted to them? Sexually and romantically? What about men, do you feel attracted to them? When you imagine yourself in a relationship, do you think you could be happy with a man or a woman, or you would be happy with any of them? When you fantasize (when you are masturbating or thinking about sex), do you think about men or women? As you said you think about women when masturbating and that's arousing for you, then, by definition, you aren't straight, because you are attracted to the same gender. What do you think?
Thank you so much for your response! When I masturbate it is women I am day dreaming about for sure. I never really paid much attention to it until recently. As far as attraction, I can appreciate a good looking man, but it doesn’t turn me on. In all honesty I have never felt strong desire to have sex with a man, I’ve always just gone along with it. Women I do. But I’ve never gone there. I love the safety of being married to a man, and the friendship I have with my husband, but that’s about it. I would love some guidance on how to plan the conversation - is there anywhere I can look for references? Thank you again!
You are welcome! Then I think you got your answer right there. I think the first step would be to think about what exactly do you want to tell him. If you want, feel free to open a new thread about this (how to talk to your husband) in the Later in Life section. Most people discuss themes related to marriage there.
