I'm extremely internally homophobic and it causes a lot of issues for my well being...especially finding out I'm more lesbian than bisexual. Don't get me wrong, I love and adore my LBGT friends but it's not something I wanted for myself. I keep telling myself so what? You're gay, just move on but I feel so depressed. How did/do you just go on with your happy lives?
Hi there! Self-acceptance and letting go of/overcoming your internal homophobia can take a while, and might need some efforts. You have a good starting point for starting to work on overcoming the internalized homophobia you are experiencing in that you seem to have some good, strong friendships who identify as LGBT. That is something to hang on to, and to try to remind yourself of. When you think about that group of friends, is there a role model, someone you could look up to? Have you tried standing in front of a mirror, looking into your eyes and saying out loud: 'I am gay, and that's good'? what goes through your mind when you do that? How do you feel? Are you working with a counsellor or a therapist by chance? If not, it might be worthwhile to consider trying to make an appointment with one, that could help you to work through your thoughts, feelings associated with it.
What kind of counsellor would you suggest? I have worked with therapists in the past and I just feel like they don't understand LBGT people. I guess at this point I'd prefer a woman is lesbian/bisexual herself.
Butterfly6.....A therapist/counselor is an excellent idea. I came out here on empty closets in December 2014. I tried to work through so many issues just by talking to my incredible LGBTQ Family here on EC, but even with so much encouragement, I just wasn't making any real progress. I hadn't yet come out to anyone face-to-face. A year later I finally went to a therapist. My coming out to him was just as difficult as when I came out here...and he was my "First". With his incredible help, I started making progress. The "me" of those days would hardly recognize who I am today. He has helped me see so many things that were negatively affecting me...things that I didn't realize were there. So yes...find a therapist! OK, how to find a "good" one! ! Use good 'ole google to search for T. in your area. They will have information on their pages about the kinds of things that they specialize in. Look for a T. that states that they work with the LGBTQ Family. I was fortunate to find a T. who not only specifically works with the LGBTQ Family, but is openly gay himself. It was incredible to be able to talk to someone who understood everything I was dealing with, as he had gone through the same problems. You won't be sorry! .....David
I see a therapist who identifies as straight but is super cool and open minded and has a lot of experience working with LGBT folks. I’ve also seen a lesbian woman therapist. While I felt like the lesbian could relate more personally, I ultimately connected more with the straight woman. I think it’s a huge advantage to find someone gay, but it’s also possible to find someone who is just really good at these issues. When searching, you can look for LGBT as a speciality area (at least on psychology today’s listings). And, for what it’s worth, I relate to being open minded toward others but not yourself. This realization changes a lot for us! And I think many/most of us have some internalized homophobia based on societal pressures and norms. But it sounds like you know what direction you need to go, and that’s half the battle.
Dear Butterfly6 All of the above advice is excellent and well-worth exploring. We have such poor conceptions of ourselves, and we often make such rigid assumptions as to who we think we are...and then along comes this...thing...these inexplicable and unwelcome desires that perturb the neatness of our lofty conceptions of what it is to be normal. But whatever we think we are, one thing is clear, thoughts and beliefs about ourselves are but abstractions: abstract ideas, abstract words, abstract labels, etc. this includes our abstract concepts about the words we don't want to have anything to do with... This cognitive dissonnance, which appears to be the cause of your discomfort, arises from the gap between your concept of "normality" and your concept of "gay", but normal and gay are just words. Being is so much more than what we think we are, and being "gay" is so much more than what anyone thinks it is, or could be. You asked how we all got on with our happy lives...we aren't necessarily happy all the time...but it took a radical letting-go, a radical acceptance of something we cannot change, of something that is simply beyond our control. This letting-go liberated us from our conceptual cages, it has allowed us to just be, as we are, unapologetic and free to act upon our deepest desires. I just recently learned that the great pop singer from the sixties, Dusty Springfield, was bisexual. She was never known to have a male companion. Here's how she spelled it out during an interview in 1970 (which, at that time took a great deal of courage): "I don’t go leaping around to all the gay clubs but I can be very flattered. Girls run after me a lot and it doesn’t upset me. It upsets me when people insinuate things that aren’t true. I couldn’t stand to be thought of as a big butch lady. But I know that I’m as perfectly capable of being swayed by a girl as by a boy. More and more people feel that way and I don’t see why I shouldn’t." "There was someone on television the other night who admitted that he swings either way. I suppose he could afford to say it, but I, being a pop singer, shouldn’t even admit that I might think that way. But if the occasion arose I don’t see why I shouldn’t." I just love the precision of her words, and of her careful delineation of what she doesn't want to be seen as, which is the stereotype of the "big butch lady" (an abstraction). She just knows that she is "perfectly capable of being swayed by a girl as by a boy." She just knows, without judgment, without fear, and in this interview she takes a brave stand: "But if the occasion arose I don't see why I shouldn't." The place you are in may be uncomfortable, even distressing, but I wouldn't consider it bad. Confronting the reality of our being is difficult, but it is part of the life-long and often difficult objective of becoming who you are and letting go of illusions...it may not even be a happy place, for a while perhaps, but it is real; as real as the ground beneath your feet, or the warmth of a sunny day...
Hi, I'd suggest a councellor who has a specialisation in providing support to the LGBTQ community. Working with one who specializes in supporting LGBTQ can make things easier in opening up or even beginning to broach the issues.
For me it took time (almost 3 years), being on EC, riding an absolute rollercoaster of emotions and being in a relationship with a woman I loved and desired. Those things brought me to a place of peace with myself. Be patient and kind to yourself and trust that in time you will get through this period of anguish and come to love yourself.
