Ceased caring...

I'm not any sort of counselor but I used to watch a lot of Frasier, so I'm going to give this my take.

I think you do care or you wouldn't be on this forum discussing how to meet men and discussing issues around your sexuality. Giving up is sometimes, often, the easy answer because it allows us a way out even if, ultimately, we have not ceased to want those things.

Several people, me included, have suggested making incremental changes in your life to move towards your goals. Looking at your life, honestly, have you really done this?

Depression can definitely have crippling effects that shouldn't be minimized. You are being treated and depressive symptoms can be reduced with proper treatment. Hopefully, you are seeing some results and the feelings of hopelessness become less.

I don't want to understate how debilitating untreated depression can be. But, I also see, sometimes, that this disease can become an excuse to not try and change things about your life that aren't working.

Do you have a passion? Something that you love that puts in in a place of joy, or peace? Mine is my bike. I can get on a bike and no matter what I can watch that wheel go around and around. It is a constant in my life and it allows me reach for other goals because I can always go back to this place.

Find a passion. Maybe it's a hike in the woods, or a book of poetry, or music or faith. Build on that passion. Find someone who shares it. Doesn't matter if it's a gay man. Start to build relationships. Because one relationship will lead to another and pretty soon you recognize you can achieve what you desire.

 

Nickw is spot on all points! Just reposting your account reveal you really do want to meet someone. You need to deal with this depression. Confidence and optimism are powerful magnets to attract the notice of others. Being depressed does the opposite.

You can turn your life around, but it will take time, change of habits and a newer ATTITUDE. Stop focusing on what you lack. Be grateful for what you have and how you can make your life happier. It is possible!

 

Perhaps this is a contrarian opinion, but it sounds to me like you are making progress. Not giving a fuck is actually a powerful place to be. It means you are no longer a slave to your problems. When you accept the current situation, in all its shittiness, you are finally free to start moving past it. You’re no longer overwhelmed by the prospect of a terrible future, and can tolerate the slow process of self improvement.

I hope you can experience this feeling as a kind of freedom, rather than nihilism or despair. From reading your previous posts, it seems clear that you are stuck in virtually all aspects of life, not just sexuality. See if there are small changes you can start to make for the better.

 

Wish I could you give the biggest hug!

This is such a complex topic.

Listen, romantic relationship are bullshit. So if you want to be okay with never dating again then fucking yes go for it. Give up on romantic relationship for years if you so want.

BUT then take all the energy you invested in romantic relationship and put it into something else. Focus on meeting people with your same hobbies or likes, volunteer, meet other people and make friends. Do things that bring you JOY!

From the sounds of it, sounds like depression might get worse.

What are you doing to get out of it as much as you can? Are you exercising? Talking to people about it?

 

It seems to me that it's pretty definitely the depression getting worse. I feel like I've been there. It's been thirty years but you don't exactly forget that feeling. My senior year in high school I couldn't see a way forward. I couldn't see how things could change; I couldn't see how they could stay the same. I just looked out and saw nothing. I tried to kill myself. Luckily, my Mother for no reason other than intuition literally got off the freeway on her way to work and just came home for no reason other than that she felt she had to, and found me in time to have my stomach pumped. I was practically catatonic for three months. I didn't go to school. I didn't go to work. I just laid there. So I feel like on at least some level I get it...

But I'm not there any more and so it's hard for me to read your posts without shaking my head and thinking "of course things can change." And I think most people in responding are coming from that place. I simply have a hard time believing that your position is such that nothing better can come of it. The thing I am willing to acknowledge, however, is that as long as you truly believe that your situation cannot change, you're probably right. And given that frame of mind I think there are worse things than accepting the things you cannot change. Keep working on what you can--therapy, are you able to see a psychiatrist? In the meantime I'm not sure feeling extra bad about it is really going to accomplish much. If you've really stopped caring try to enjoy whatever freedom that imparts...

 

@BMC77 look man, life will only be what you make of it. I busted my hump changing oil on school buses to working my way up to being a manager at a freightliner dealership. Everyone told me I wouldn’t amount to more than a lube and brakes guy. I also made it to be an NCO in the army after I was told I would never graduate basic training. I threw my management life away and went to driving a truck because I hated the life I had. And now I make more than I have at any job I have had and I love doing it. All because I chose to make a change.

But I also understand how bad Depression can suck. Been there and done that. I feel for you. But man the honesty of it is. If you want a change. You got to be the one to make it change.

 

bingo, you hit the nail right on the head

 

maybe try non-traditional counseling, like a horse, who is one of the best listeners. trust me, I know how frustrating "and how does that make you feel" can be, so I work on cars or ride horses because they can't ever tell me some old tire out ineffective phrase stolen from a textbook

 

My clinician has a PhD. My last one had a PsyD. Neither can prescribe, as most of us know. Your thought about psychiatrists is mostly correct. I talk to people in depression workshops and they state that they are "in and out" of their psychiatrists' offices in 15 minutes. They mostly do medication management. I'm on a simple regimen that has worked for me for many years for general depression and for some insomnia. My primary care doctor has just continued that regimen at my request because it has worked. If you feel that any medication you take or have taken has lost its luster then you should tell your clinician who will then refer you. The wait to see a psychiatrist can be long. Another type of clinician who can manage medication is a mental health nurse practitioner, who is a RN. You might also be looking at a copay.

I think one important thing for you is to try to get out of the negative circle that chases its tail. The tape is a hard one to stop playing and to just plain shatter. You should address the circular loop you're in with your clinician. Mine thinks I've got some circular things going on though they are different. There are also free depression workshops and support groups out there. Most of them are welcoming. They are fairly diverse. Mostly, they are much safer than not. Every once in a while, you hear a story of someone who is no longer there because they were asked to leave. You're not alone and I think you know that.

 

So true about the attitude shift. So true.

 

To be honest, that is pretty much where I was heading. Again, I don't know that my experience was even comparable. From what you've said my depressive episode was quite a bit more extreme, so the comparison may simply be an apples to oranges one. But for me, the medication was absolutely the gamechanger. I had come to a point where all I did was think about "my problems." I thought about them pretty much non-stop. But what I couldn't see was that I never actually thought anything different about them. It was all circular, spinning around in my head over and over. And anything else that tried to get in, my counselors, my doctors, my family, my own better nature, it all hit that circular thinking and just spun off. It wasn't even like I dismissed it all. It was more like I actually couldn't even hear it. And then I started the meds and after a while I started to have moments where I didn't think about my problems. Maybe I didn't think about anything at all, or eventually I actually started to think about other things for a few moments. And gradually I started to be able to actually hear some of what was going on around me, my counselors and doctors and family. And eventually I could actually hear myself again and when I did think about "my problems" I started to actually think different things. And then I came out of it--and was able to actually get up and go to school and work and life again.

Like I said, it may not be relevant to your situation at all, but I took psychiatric medications for about 9 months and it absolutely saved my life...

 

Unfortunately, yea, that's all psychiatrists do anymore. At some point they figured out that they can make twice as much money doing 4 15 minute med checks in an hour instead of a 1 hour counseling session, so they pretty much all stopped doing counseling and doubled their salaries. Coincidentally, psychiatry used to be one of the easiest specialties for a physician to go into...and now that the salary is suddenly $400,000 instead of $200,000 it's become way more competitive....meaning the people who actually like psychiatry are getting pushed out and the jobs are being taken by the "I'll take whatever the pays the most" medical students who before would have gone for surgery instead.

 

I suppose it is possible that there is nothing that can make your life better. I don't know all of your situation and why you cannot move from where you are (physically, mentally, emotionally). You mention that you cannot share all of your info because it would be too telling and someone who knows you would figure it out.

I know on EC we are here to respect the privacy of other posters. That's very important. That said, if someone figured out who I was it wouldn't be that big a deal for me. I would lose a few clients and a few friends but would survive just fine and I risk that to have the sort of help that has been provided to me here.

So. I'm going to be really blunt here (hmmm...totally out of character for me). What is it about your life that makes it impossible for you to improve on your life?

 

Destin

My wife is a Psychiatrist and what you wrote is only partially true. Most insurance companies don't reimburse well for psychiatric services. Psychiatrists are trained in medication management and medical based treatment. So, most folks should have both a Psychiatrist and a therapist and most insurance companies recognize the value of this. There is a shortage of Psychiatrists because it continues to pay very poorly relative to other specialties because reimbursement rates are so poor.

 

While of course I can't argue with your wife's experience, the statistics of medical students I've seen recently (I'm pre-med) are showing psychiatry and emergency medicine as the two fastest growing and most increasingly competitive specialties there are based on USMLE step 1 scores and which students are trying for which specialties. I wish I could find the graph i saw recently about it, the USMLE step 1 score required for psychiatry currently is about 10% higher than it was 5 years ago, and the reasonably obtainable expected salary has jumped from $220,000 to around $280,000 if you choose the right places to work (mostly rural). If you set the number of hours worked as a psychiatrist equal to a surgeons hours and assume maximum efficiency for profit, it's comparatively more like $340,000 in potential income for a business savvy psychiatrist which is in the same range as general surgery. That's awfully tempting to students for an objectively pretty laid back specialty where you can set your own hours and open a private practice while other specialties are stuck in a hospital their entire careers.