1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Question for all the older boys and girls out there?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by johndeere3020, Feb 1, 2019.

  1. johndeere3020

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,104
    Likes Received:
    426
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Do any of you ever get sad thinking about all the things that might have been in life. I wasted so much energy being someone else I think I forgot what it was like to enjoy life. That make sense? I know I can never make up all those years, but I am not sure, well it feels funny not to have the burden of sexuality hanging like a cloud over my head. Anyone else experienced this after coming out later in life?

    Dean
     
  2. BMC77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Messages:
    3,267
    Likes Received:
    107
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Oh, yes. I have had my moments of sadness as I ponder my past. Intellectually, of course, I know it does no good...but I still get sad.

    Then, in my case, I have profound pessimism about my future. I suspect that a lot of LGBT Later in Life types probably have some regrets about the "what might have beens". But at least they have a future. Looking at myself, and my circumstances, I honestly can't believe I have any hope of a relationship. I also honestly believe it's likely I'll die never having had sex. So...this just makes past regrets worse for me.

    Yes. It does waste energy trying to be someone one isn't. And when one is pouring energy into being someone one isn't, there may not be a whole lot of energy left to do anything else
     
    Unsure77 and Angelica g like this.
  3. Poofter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2019
    Messages:
    325
    Likes Received:
    162
    Location:
    Council Bluffs, iowa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    YES!! I am a completely different person. I was miserable and hated my life, was always depressed, didn’t like myself. I came out and suddenly I feel like I belong and the world has color again! I don’t know if I would appreciate it as much had I not gone through all the things I went through in life! Now to find someone to share the future with and make great memories.

    But I do think of all the different paths my life might of taken. I gotta lot of time to think will driving that endless black ribbon.
     
  4. johndeere3020

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,104
    Likes Received:
    426
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    COLOR AGAIN, I like that thought!
     
    Maldoone, MOGUY and Poofter like this.
  5. Butterfly6

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2018
    Messages:
    211
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Sigh, I don't know. I had/have a wonderful life - great husband and kids, I was attracted to my husband. I tried to tuck the bi part away but I didn't realize how strong it was.

    As soon as these thoughts came up all of that went up in smoke. All I think about now is being in a relationship with another woman.

    I know my future now and honestly I'll miss what I'm leaving behind.
     
    Maldoone likes this.
  6. johndeere3020

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,104
    Likes Received:
    426
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    MY bi part comes and goes, weird I know. My wife chose to accept me, thank God I don't have to keep the secret any more.
     
  7. Laconian

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2018
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    Tucson AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I’m older than most here struggling with my orientation. Having finally realized that I’m gay, I look back on my life not with regret or what might have been, but with new understanding of why things happened the way they did. Denial and repression fueled my alcoholism and isolation. Not sure where I go from here, but knowing the truth gives a perspective
     
    Thyme Traveler likes this.
  8. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,716
    Likes Received:
    728
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think it's just the nature of the beast. I came out over twenty-five years ago, pretty much right after college (by the standards of this sub-forum pretty early). Yet, what is my number one regret in life even after all this time? That I didn't come out earlier. I should have. I made a mistake. You move on...
     
  9. I'mStillStanding

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2016
    Messages:
    989
    Likes Received:
    382
    Location:
    East Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Honestly... I don’t! I mean looking back at things before accepting myself and sexuality it’s like another life! There was great parts to it, there was horrible parts. But that’s life. You can’t have light without dark. Personally I just try and stay in the light as much as possible. As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, I can’t really afford regrets... god I sound like a bumper sticker!
     
  10. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    My regret is that I didn't tell my wife sooner and it almost destroyed my marriage. I, too, feel this relief about not needing to keep the secret any longer.

    Since you started this thread. Beyond these feelings of regret for keeping the secret, and, knowing what you now know, would you have changed the trajectory of your life? do you feel you might have been happier living as a gay man?
     
  11. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I know I've mentioned this before to you. You have a life, still, to look forward to.

    I am on cloud 9 today. I reached a level of intimacy with my friend that I had not before. I'm almost sixty years old and I am learning to have a deep intimate relationship with a man.

    It is a wonderful thing and I see it as a gift. I have had two intimate relationships with men at this late stage in life. I would not trade that experience for anything. I don't know what my life would have been like if I had embraced my sexuality at a younger age. But, I do know it is awesome at this time!

    I hope you get to experience this too.
     
    NotTooLoud and Angelica g like this.
  12. johndeere3020

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,104
    Likes Received:
    426
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Well, 17 year old me in 1989, if I had come out would have never been able to handle it and would have, I'm sure, pulled the trigger after I loaded my gun. That boy in 2019, knowing what I know now would have moved to the Boystown area of Chicago, got a job, got into a college and made a life for himself.
    My wife and I have had some wonderful times and I would not want to loose those memories, however the thought of never finding "my cowboy" has been hard as well. I told my counselor the other day that I would not wish being bisexual on anyone. I would very much preferred to be either straight or gay. So, I guess that's my best answer at the moment.
    Dean
     
    Poofter likes this.
  13. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I felt that way when I was in my early twenties...hated being bisexual. But, I have to say that I lucked out. My childhood boyfriend became HIV positive in the mid-80's. Not a good time. Many of his friends died...he survived. So, I can't cry over the lost years at that time in my life. And, I have had a fantastic marriage that really required me (I thought) to banish a part of my sexuality to the depths of my subconsciousness.

    That said, I have learned to appreciate being bisexual over the years. I would never give up how it feels to appreciate an attractive man or an attractive woman and sometimes I feel sorry for those that can't feel this. It is a challenge...there is no question about that. And, I am fortunate that my life partner is willing to share me at this point in my life and allow me to experience my sexuality.

    I hope you can find peace with your sexuality in some way and learn to appreciate it and learn to allow it to manifest itself in your daily life. This is, for sure, easier said than done because it requires us to really let our guard down and this can be so hard to do after years of hiding it.

    Best.
     
  14. Rade

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Oh yes, but without my ex wife I wouldn't have three amazing children.

    But I still hope to marry a man one day! That's me unique and very individual. To wake up each morning next to a gorgeous man.
     
    maybgayguy and I'mStillStanding like this.
  15. BMC77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Messages:
    3,267
    Likes Received:
    107
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I have thought I lucked out, too, in that I avoided HIV. I didn't know/understand/accept I'm gay back then, and, of course, I have never had a sexual experience with another guy. I have thought sometimes that I was lucky--if I'd had the wrong encounter back then, I could be dead now...

    He might be dead now!
    comes a mutter from the back of the Later in Life audience. Small loss!

     
  16. BMC77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Messages:
    3,267
    Likes Received:
    107
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    In my case, I'd have preferred being asexual. What is the sense of having a sexual orientation or sex drive when, realistically, I'll never have sex? Or a relationship? All it really brings me is fuel for depression when I see hot guys at the grocery store, and realize when I'm 90 (if I live that long) I'll still be at zero dates and still a virgin.
     
  17. BMC77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Messages:
    3,267
    Likes Received:
    107
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Another possible plus to being asexual: I also have had a real struggle accepting sexuality in general. There is a part of me that is unaccepting of sex, finding it (at varying times) repulsive, dirty, etc. This is very likely due to some "programming" I picked up. (And the programming might be changeable if I stay in therapy long enough...say, until I'm 100. Sigh...) If I were asexual, it really wouldn't matter if I found sex dirty, since I'd never have any interest in having sex, anyway!
     
    #17 BMC77, Feb 4, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2019
  18. Dionysios

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2018
    Messages:
    662
    Likes Received:
    576
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I believe that is quite natural, especially for people who come out later in life, do have feelings that their life might have been wasted. I've done it, imagining how my life would have unfolded if I came out in my youth. I would have found the man of my dreams and would be living happily ever after. However, when I stopped being a hopeless romantic, I also reflected on the cold, hard facts. When I was young, being out as a gay youth was not cool. I would have been ostracized by family and friends. Jobs might have become difficult and it would have been a nightmare trying to make ends meet. AIDS was also a stalker, and had I indulged in sleeping around with guys, I would have probably gotten the disease and died an early and perhaps painful death.

    My advice for everyone coming out is to be grateful for what you had. Don't pine for what "might have been." I was fortunate to have found a good wife and we were blessed with a wonderful son. I lived a good straight life which will give me plenty of happy memories. My challenge today is forging a new and happy life for myself as a gay man. Unless we are Marty McFly with a time machine, we can't change the past. We all need to look forward and not backwards.
     
  19. johndeere3020

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,104
    Likes Received:
    426
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, Mr. Peabody's wayback machine. God I haven't thought about that in YEARS! :slight_smile:
     
  20. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,321
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    As stated in so many posts you can’t go back and you can only move forward. That being said I wish I had not buried my homosexuality so deep. Without a doubt I would have preferred to have come out as a teenager. Of course it was much more difficult in those days to be gay however I still wish I would have. It would have been wonderful to experience the joy and fulfillment I feel now as an openly gay man then. I wish I had had the courage to say that I prefer men. It is a real shame to have missed all those years by living a lie. I realize in retrospect that I should have never been with women, I was never really straight or bi I was always 100 % gay. Living a total lie is sad however I am extremely grateful that I was able to coming to terms with my sexual orientation and start to live the gay lifestyle I had longed for so many years but had kept locked in that dark, lonely, ugly closet. For sure I am aware how lucky I am to have a least now in my fifites be able to embrace the authentic me and live openly gay.