Loving men vs. loving women

Wow, this is so relatable! I've had so many of these exact thoughts. It's so difficult to wade through them and it's so confusing. I still don't have any idea what % it is that I'm gay, but like you, I feel like it's about 90% at this point. Except I got to the point with my husband where I didn't enjoy or want sexual activity with him - and wasn't sure whether that's because I'm now fully gay lol, or whether I had simply lost attraction to him due to poor communication, lack of emotional intimacy, etc. I think it was probably the latter. But I still did/do LOVE him. So confusing.

I also wonder, even after going through the separation, if I'm just always going to want what I can't have (because of course, now I miss the companionship, having someone to share my life with). But I'm also excited about the possibility of being with a woman. So that helps.

 

L8Bloomer I feel exactly the same except as a male. I am now 100% gay and involved with my BF for almost 2 years, living together for over one year. Over the two years I have lost all interest in women period. This from someone who was married to a woman for years before divorcing and then with a GF for another 2 before opening up to the realization I prefer men.
Being with a man in an intimate relationship is so much better. We are more sensual,erotic and willing to please each other than I had ever experienced with a woman. Everything is on the table between us sexually with no worries about pregnancy,"that time of the month", PMS and all the other issues heterosexual couples deal with. We are always in the mood. We are more of couple than I ever was with any woman I was ever involved with. Have not looked back on my prior life and absolutely no regret or desire to return to it. Its 2 1/2 years and I have thought of or looked at a woman since. For me 100% gay is the best thing that has ever happened to me besides finding the love of my life. It happened to be another man and I love everything about being in real relationship with him.

 

Yeah I think you might be right about taking the path that compels us the most. For me, when I looked down the road with him, it seemed dark and stagnant.. it got to this point slowly, but once it felt like that, I couldn't go back. So, that's one of the reasons I felt I had to leave - couldn't see a long, happy future with him anymore. Another reason was that I knew deep down that if a relationship opportunity with a woman(specifically the one I had developed feelings for, but also could be another woman) came up in the future, I would want to take it, and leave him. And I also took a month break and lived by myself to see if that helped with emotional clarity - it did. I was more calm and happy in my own space.

So yes, I totally understand feeling bad about the indecision. But I guess it is a part of the process. I had (and still sometimes have) a lot of it before I got to the decision. And I guess that was the final thing - I couldn't stand treating him unfairly. Leaving him in the lurch while I figured out if I actually wanted to be with him or by myself or with women. Not being able to provide warm, loving, commitment to him like he was giving me. Not feeling attracted to him. I felt like I had to initiate the separation for his sake as well. It just wasn't working.

 

This is a very interesting subject for me. I can relate to a lot of what is being said here.

I'm a big believer in infatuation driving lust and creating a level of excitement when something is new.

I believe, too, as a bisexual that this can get confusing. Right now I have a new boyfriend. I think about him constantly and the sex is so hot. I sometimes have to stop and remind myself that this is new to me and the excitement will, likely, fade. It just does for most people.

@Contented mentioned how active sexually he is with his boyfriend and compared it to past experiences with women.

I can't say I experienced it any different with my wife when it was new than with a man...at least how compelling it is. My wife and I had sex on the average of two out of three days for years. I was SO hot hot her.

For me, at least, being able to be attracted to both men and women has its own sets of problems and benefits. On one hand, I can feel something for a man and it feels separate from what I feel for my wife. This is pretty great. But, those feelings are also very compelling and choosing to only fulfill the hetero side of my sexuality seemed like I was missing something. But, now that I've experienced m2m intimacy, I know I would miss the hetero relationship even though I am lusting after this guy as I write this.

Knowing what I know now, I would be in a very bad place if I would have left my wife to explore this other side of me.

We are all different and I am not implying that this is what's best for the OP. But here's the thing. Had my wife never allowed the m2m exploration I would have, likely, left her. Having explored it some, I wouldn't leave her for it now.

 

LOL

I repressed being gay so much that I didn't know.. denial is strong.

I am not married or an expert on it, but isn't that kind of love the kind that overcomes passion?
Think about a young guy that gets married he's young good looking sucessful and super horny - his wife is pregant and not into sex and also not much fun to be around...
He goes to work and some of the younger women REALLY like him..
don't we admire him for NOT giving into his lust?

A lot of women have rape fantasies.. they don't want to act on them, a lot of fantasies can just be fantasies.

 

Well. This is the thing that can be different for some of us. What we feel for men and for women are different.

Bisexuals can set aside this lust in a similar way to your hetero guy. But, at least for me, this meant repressing a part of my sexuality. At this point, I probably could be the admired guy and go without sex.

But I could not go without some form of outlet for my same sex attractions. As my wife put it "you cannot not be gay and you cannot be gay alone". This doesn't mean, necessarily, sex...for me. But, it might for some of us.

 

So me ^^^ I'll add that when it gets to the sex part with my husband or any man, I am more likely in my head just wishing it was over or to stop whereas with the few women I was with as a teen I was comfortable in every position and participated fully as it was enjoyable.

 

From my limited experience I can totally relate. I felt comfortable and enjoyed every position with her. Hope I can find that again as sex felt so complete....

 

Yeah, I'll just add another comment after reading some. I think it is possible I would have been happy to stay with my husband if he and I had been able to work toward some kind of relationship compromise where I could explore being bi (probably incl. sex) and not have to repress that side of my sexuality.

(But also, not sure if that would have even helped, because eventually I probably also would have wanted to be in relationships with women.)

 

While I've never been intimate with a woman, I can't help but think I'd feel the same. More equality and reciprocity with the same sex, more on the same "wavelength." Sex with a man to me is more methodical and less sensual. I find men's bodies attractive to a point, but I have more of an adoration for a woman's body and I'd be more eager to show it when making love. And romantically/emotionally, I can't help but feel like so many barriers to connection that plague hetero relationships just wouldn't exist (maybe gay guys can relate to this too?). In my experience (although I know everyone's different), it's easier to get along with the same sex and find common interests, and that's part of a relationship too. Maybe I'm just being idealistic, but it seems like it would be so much easier to connect.

 

I can tell you unequivocally it’s so much easier to be in a same sex relationship. With little effort you can be on the same page emotionally and sexually without the excessive baggage women bring to a relationship. I am sure women probably feel the same towards each other.
Same sex relationships are generally easier and much more a sharing than heterosexual ones.

 

While I am reluctant to embrace generalizations, there is some merit to this idea. My wife today, as we discussed details of separating, touched on some things that bothered her (I drive too fast, I don't like shopping, I won't watch soap operas with her etc...) I then countered with a few habits that bothered me (her frivolous spending, the prolonged time it took her to get dressed, her endless chit chat with her girlfriends etc...) Many of these differences, although not major, may be rooted in our gender differences.

It is my hope that if I find a guy and have a same sex relationship, at least we won't have as many differences as I did with a woman.

 

I can almost guarantee it.

 

It is my hope that if I find a guy and have a same sex relationship, at least we won't have as many differences as I did with a woman.[/QUOTE]

I would never in my wildest dreams believed that I could connect so completely and deeply with another man. It is a mutually shared almost spiritual connection that I know would never have been possible with a woman. My BF and I are on the same wavelength 90% of time. This does not mean our relationship is without hassles. Every couple straight , gay or bi have them however our are less intense, no one upmanship and no residual hidden anger. We can deal with it once and move on. Sex is both parties truly trying to please the other, open to any thing that strengthens our bond and increases our sexual pleasure. Intimacy and romance is always on the table and willingly engaged in.
I feel like I have let in on a marvelous secret to happiness-another man! I wish I had embraced my gay self so much earlier.

 

I would never in my wildest dreams believed that I could connect so completely and deeply with another man. It is a mutually shared almost spiritual connection that I know would never have been possible with a woman. My BF and I are on the same wavelength 90% of time. This does not mean our relationship is without hassles. Every couple straight , gay or bi have them however our are less intense, no one upmanship and no residual hidden anger. We can deal with it once and move on. Sex is both parties truly trying to please the other, open to any thing that strengthens our bond and increases our sexual pleasure. Intimacy and romance is always on the table and willingly engaged in.
I feel like I have let in on a marvelous secret to happiness-another man! I wish I had embraced my gay self so much earlier.[/QUOTE]

So happy for you! You and your partner have forged a wonderful and profoundly intimate bond. It is based, not just on sex, but on an emotional and spiritual level. It gives hope to other LGBT folks. May you two and your beloved have many,many happy years together!

 

I think many of them do. I've heard plenty of women express their desires for men's bodies in very explicit terms. Then you have stuff like magic mike and Vegas shows and the like, it all just makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it's just that I'm not an overtly sexual person, but even internally it seems strange to me, craving guys like that.

 

I've always felt the same way. I've been attracted to men in the past, but never in an overtly sexual/desiring their bodies kind of way. They were most often on the more effeminate side of things, and I think my attraction was mostly based on personality/connection with them. I can remember a few crushes on some more masculine men, but I wonder how much of that was actual desire or just me acting the way I thought I should as a hetero person. I've never understood the whole Magic Mike thing, at all.