Feel like nothing matters anymore

Nothing I can say is gonna make those feelings go away, and I'm not gonna give you the 'it gets better with time' schtick 'cause you wouldn't believe me even if I did.

What I will say, is that all those things you are talking about are completely and totally normal. You definitely are a man, no matter what your stupid brain tells you and - and this is the most important bit, life might not feel worth it now, but it's worth nothing at all if you give up. That's also the hardest bit of information to work with as far as I'm concerned. Your life will always feel like it isn't worth anything if you decide it's never going to be worth anything. "A stubborn refusal to look facts in the face will see us through" is the motto I try to live by...it doesn't always work, but it's better than nothing. These things might seem unbeatable, and maybe they are, but sometimes you need to say "fuck you world" and keep on going anyway.

Finally, give yourself some serious credit. You say you're too ashamed and scared to talk to anyone, but you came here. You told us. Yes, we're anonymous and at the other end of the internet, but it's a bloody good step in the right direction. You got to look for the little steps like this and admit to yourself "I did this. I made some progress." It's a slow process, so look for the little achievements.

Stay safe.

 

Hi Spot. I know how insidious that feeling of shame can be. For the longest time I wasn't able to talk with people, even a therapist. It took me a while to work up my courage, I definitely eased into telling the therapist, testing the waters a bit to make sure it would be ok. I am so glad and thankful that I was able to get to that point though. I talked with a gender therapist and the support and validation she gave me was invaluable. Since then I've had conversations with a few more people. Each time, I really have to work up my courage. The shame I feel and the fear of rejection I have makes it so hard to face. However, each time I've found that when I give people a chance to be their best selves and support me, most of them far exceed my expectations and make my fears seem silly. And each time I have the conversation, it gets just a little bit easier (still way hard, but not near as much as that first one).

My mom was so invested in our mother-daughter relationship and for a long time I was worried about what it would do to her to take her daughter away. She has indeed felt a lot of grief since I told her, it is very much emotionally like her daughter is dead. However, with time, she is able to process her grief and see that I am still here. That Kris at my innermost essence is still the same person. Now we are working through what our relationship looks like. She's not quite ready to see me as or call me her son, as she's still saying goodbye to her daughter. But I trust we can get there because I can tell that most of all she loves me, her child. It doesn't go the same for all parents, and I feel blessed to have mine. I just want to confirm that her reaction is valid as a parent, as part of her journey to support you. That fear of putting her through that will hopefully not stop you from doing what you need for yourself, and that there is hope on the other side of that grieving for a healthy parent-child relationship. Most of all it takes time and way more patience than I ever thought I had.

The things that helped me in that were to continue to take steps no matter how big or small (lurking on EC, talking with a therapist, finding 1 or 2 friends to talk to, packing and binding, etc). I kept finding ways to validate that my feelings and needs are real and to provide self-comfort and compassion through these actions.

I'm almost 40 and going through this shame and regret about where I am in my transition. I know it feels like its taking too long at your age, I guess I'd say at least you're brave enough to look at this now instead of repressing it for 20+ more years.

Medical transition is a big step, its ok if you want to take the time to figure out if its right for you. I have some T sitting on my counter right now, but put off getting the training and needles to actually adminster it for another week. I'm still afraid of what will happen if/when I start taking it and I also am so excited for the possibility of how it will help me look and feel and sound more like myself. I am short (5'3" and have huge hips), I get what you say about not thinking I could ever be a real man. I've started looking at examples and role models of short men, there are a lot of successful short cis men out there. Being short doesn't make them any less of a man. I hope that the T will help me with my hips and other shape to look more masculine eventually. It helps already, the few people I've told to hear them use male pronouns (though I'm still in the stage where that sounds a bit awkward like they're not really talking about me. I'm the one most guilty of misgendering myself!). It also helps to hear my mom say that I look much more masculine in the family photos I sent her this Christmas. She's starting to be able to see me the way I feel even without T!

I've heard that using trans tape can help for binding because it doesn't have straps and you can leave it on for multiple days. I haven't tried it yet, but am curious to. Has anyone here used it? I also have an IUD in, which stopped my periods entirely (doesn't necessarily happen for everyone). Maybe something like that could help with dysphoria?

Hang in there! I know this all is overwhelming, there is so much to do and it takes such a long time. It's hard to stay patient and it's hard to see a way through it all. Keep going, one step at a time, you can do it! (I'm also saying this for myself to hear as I've been feeling very overwhelmed lately!)

 

This is like writing to my you ger self really... I hope you don't mind me talking a lot about myself here.

First. You are not too old. I was 10 years older than you are when I started my hormone replacement therapy and I was 29 years old when I got top surgery. I did loose a lot of years but I imagine I will live something like 75-95 years. I haven't even lived half of that yet. You have lived even less.

It took a long time for me to accept I am transgender. I knew it but I fought against it. If I was offered testosterone and surgeries I would have accepted them without having to think about it. That life messed me up. I am full of scars mentally and physically. I am lucky to be alive. I don't know what's right for you but I wouldn't wish that life for anyone. I wouldn't wish being trans for anyone either. I know it isn't a correct thing to say but I wish nobody had to be trans.

Think about yourself on your death bed. When you are something like 100 years old. What would you regret the most? I have heard that people regret mostly things they didn't do because they were afraid. I try to think about that often. It gives me courage to do things. If I died now I could say I did my best. My life wasn't good but I wouldn't be bitter about it because I did what I could. I would be really bitter if I never transitioned.

I try to not to think about if I am a real man or not. It leads to nowhere. Other men accept me as a man though. Straight women and gay men have approached me and still wanted me after I told them I am trans. And I am not even those handsome transguys (like Ty Turner or Aydian Dowling). Some say I have a female body but I call it a transmale body. After some time on testosterone there are significant differences so I don't think it's accurate to call my body female.

At the end you you have to choose the option that sucks less. You have dysphoria. You can try to deal worth it without transitioning. There are a lot youtube videos made by detransitioned women. I suggest you watch few of those. Detransitioners have a lot of important things to say and I think we should respect them and listen to them.

Your appearance now doesn't define you. People do think it does but it doesn't. I have been told many times that nobody will ever think I am a man. I have been told what I can and can't do and I have proved people wrong a lot. Humans have this tendency to judge others really quickly without thinking too much.

You are on a difficult journey no matter what you decide to do I imagine. Have some mercy on yourself and don't talk down to yourself, ok? If you think you would never say something to someone else you shouldn't say it to yourself either. You don't deserve that. No one knows what happens next so you got to have some inner strength. If you talk down to yourself you are eating away something you should be nurturing and taking care of.

I wish I knew you in real life. You could come with me to spend few days in the forest. Nobody would tell you what you are and what you are not. (I hope I don't sound like creepy old man) I think you can really find your strength in nature. Othewise we are constantly bomparder by things that don't even matter but it still affects us. I often feel I can't really think clearly here in the city.