Some updates

Hi there friends, so... I’ve turned 40. Yesterday was my birthday. That brought on quite a lot of emotion. The day before I actually had a raw counselling session where we talked about my childhood, the abuse that happened when I was little, being closeted. And the whole day leading up to my birthday I felt quite raw and vulnerable, and I had a lot of pain surfacing relating to all the time I’d lost through my life because of being closeted.

I even reached out to my ex girlfriend to talk to her about it and that comforted me to share those feelings with her. She knows all of that history and it helped me to talk to her for that reason.

Anyway, then my birthday... it was probably the perfect birthday. I had time to myself in the morning, so relaxing, then loads of time with my daughter, more than normal for a Tuesday, so that was wonderful. Then I went out last night with this girl I was crushing on, I had absolutely no expectations but thought she might be interested. First of all, I only told her that day it was my birthday and she brought me a lovely gift! Which she’d put thought into, a lovely basket that she’d put together with a simple gift inside. We had a really nice conversation for hours and then went dancing... it was phenomenal, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and then I took her home to my place... I am buzzing from the feelings of having her in my bed. I feel like we are both in a similar place just coming out of breakups (both of us) and we both talked yesterday about how it’s not healthy to rush into things with people at the stages we are in.

I learned a few things that have me feeling really good about the fact that I’m exploring and taking time to meet different women. First the differences in women’s bodies and moans and the way different women kiss and make love, it’s really amazing to discover all these things. I have limited experience of course but I’m really enjoying that I’m learning this. Second, I felt it was totally natural yesterday to be the one initiating everything, a new experience for me.... I’d offered to buy her first drink, and then another and she let me do that so I took that as a sign that she viewed what we were doing as a date. A simple signal that made me fell really comfortable to digest dancing nearby which I knew would give me the chance to kiss her. We started off dancing and within one song I had my arms around her and I was dancing closely, then I kissed her, and again and then we couldn’t stop. And then after a while of being in the club, when it was getting later, I tried for about 15 minutes to gather my courage and then finally said, do you want to come back to my place? And then when we were there I led the whole thing. I was feeling really open and, you know how first time sex can be awkward? This was so comfortable, I felt really open and just really.... good. It was incredible.

Afterwards, I felt a bit of an, I don’t know, something different, in terms of not having that buzz of love that I had with my ex, I mean obviously I’m not in love with this woman. So bit having that closeness felt a bit strange. But we did lay with our bodies kind of on top of each other. Age is a really awesome person by the way. The stuff she does (like her writing and her creative stuff) is so damn cool.

The other bit of a weird feeling I had afterwards was, just a bit of those feelings I’ve been posting about, thinking about how I keep things casual and wondering if I’m doing things the right way in terms of considering all people’s feelings including mine. I’m supposed to see a different woman Thursday, she’s coming to my night out with my friends. We’ve been talking with the intention of dating, but we’ve only so far met briefly and had no intimate contact, not even a kiss. Anyway, I’m just thinking about that a bit.

So, that’s a bit of an update. I have a lot of feelings about things so I will likely be back to check in again soon.