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First hookup gone horribly wrong

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Leah061, Oct 5, 2018.

  1. Leah061

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    Fair warning, this will be a long post in which I recap everything that happened to me tonight. I just got home from what would have been my first hook up with a girl. I've never even kissed a girl. I've been dying to just get all of these "firsts" over with, so that way I can know if I really am a lesbian. I feel fake right now, and that has been eating away at me for months now. I'm so sick of it, I hate feeling like this. This last year has been the most confusing year of my life and even though I know so much more about myself now, I feel like I know nothing about myself. I have been pining after one girl this whole time, and I know I have to get over her, and see what it's like to be with a girl who isn't her.

    So I've been on a dating app for a while, and tonight, after months of getting absolutely nowhere with any of my matches, I finally matched with a girl who wanted to meet up. I had already settled in for the night, and hookups are not something I generally find myself wanting to do. But, as my many whiny posts on this site can attest to, I am so. fucking. sick. of wondering if I'm actually attracted to women, and I am so desperate to put these feelings to the test, that I agreed to meet with her.

    I wasn't even thinking about it, I just agreed to it, and started getting dressed. I asked where she wanted to meet, she wouldn't answer me for an hour, then finally gave me an address. So I called the uber, and told her I was on the way. This all happened literally an hour ago, so it was late, and I was by myself, and the driver couldn't see the numbers on the houses, so she just dropped me off on the street, not at the address.

    I was scared and told her I was on the street but not her house and she told me to just wait under the bridge on her street. She then said the address was actually her group of guy friends' house and that they were gonna be around, which made me feel a little uncomfortable, especially since she waited so long to mention that. She wasn't even at their house, she was on her way from her house. So she said to just wait, which I did, and then this guy walked past me and was looking at me. I turned around, and he was standing a bit further down the street, just staring at me.

    Obviously, as a woman alone at night, having a guy just stare at you, especially when you're already on edge, like I was, I was scared. So I pulled the whole "pretend to be on the phone" thing while I walked away. I wasn't actually going to leave, but I was thinking about just going home because a) I hadn't really realized that I had agreed to having casual sex with a woman I didn't know, at a location I didn't know, and b) she waited until I was standing out by myself to mention that we were actually at this random man's house to hook up.

    So as I was walking away "on the phone" she texted me and said she knew I was walking away and that I was being dumb for not waiting under the bridge like she said. Apparently the guy watching me was the owner of the house and texted her what was going on. She kept bitching at me for walking away, like it was so ridiculous of me to be afraid in the situation. I told her she was being ridiculous and it wasn't my fault that I didn't know who that guy staring at me was. She kept saying "I don't have time for these games," like I was being unreasonable. I was finally done, so I told her off and blocked her and took an uber back home.

    I know this was a long post. I just can't talk to anyone else about this right now, and this was kind of a big thing I did tonight. There are a lot of thoughts in my head and I feel like I can't get them out anywhere else. I feel a little stupid that I acted like that. I know I'm going to be mad at myself for not going through with it tomorrow. I feel embarrassed for some reason. And ultimately, I know that all these girls I keep trying to feel something for are distractions from the one girl I really like, who I know I can't have. I'm just as confused and frustrated as ever.
     
  2. Destin

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    That wasn't a hookup, and you're lucky you left when you did. You were almost certainly being set up for something. The hour delay before she gave you the address was probably verifying something with other people to make sure they'd be there. I doubt the girl you were talking to even really exists unless you spoke on the phone, you only mentioned texting. That was all super shady and the whole 'wait under the bridge' and then her instantly being notified by a scout like that guy and getting upset when you left the bridge thing makes it sound like a rape/kidnapping/organized crime type of situation.

    Nobody is going to send you to a random friend's house for a hookup, they would either send you to their own house or some public place like meeting in a car in a store parking lot.

    Really sorry that happened to you, and please try to be more careful on apps so you stay safe.
     
    #2 Destin, Oct 5, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2018
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  3. Leah061

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    I'm not crazy right?! That was super sketchy but she kept making me feel like I was crazy. I mean, when she told me that it was her guy friends' place, she said it was because she lives with her parents right now and didn't want to bring a girl back to their place to hook up, and she said that if I was uncomfortable, she would tell her guy friend to leave. But still, why the fuck would she wait so long to mention that we weren't actually going to be at her house? I feel so stupid, I cannot believe I agreed to this. I wanted to take a risk for once and it ended up being this fucked up situation.
     
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  4. Lin1

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    You absolutely did the right thing by leaving. But PLEASE next time you do meet up with someone, do meet up in a public place FIRST, if you ever want to go home with her after that's totally fine but don't meet someone you have never seen at their house as there is always a chance you could be being catfished and get hurt. Sorry you had a bad evening and don't feel guilty for leaving when you did, that was 100% the right reaction.
     
    #4 Lin1, Oct 6, 2018
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  5. Leah061

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    Thank you for saying that, I feel so stupid now, like of course I shouldn't have gone to a stranger's house. I feel like I'm spiraling and making all of these bad choices.
     
  6. Lia444

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    I’m glad you’re safe. I would never meet someone off an app not in a public place, at least first for a drink / chat. You never know who is on the other end. By all means meet someone for a hook up but meet them in public first to make sure they are who they say they are and that you still want to go through with it as some post fake or old pics too and it might not even be a women you’re texting.
     
  7. Leah061

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    Also, I keep looking through old matches on this app, and I realized I already matched with a separate profile for this same girl with similar pictures, and she talked the same way, like the same punctuation/smileys, everything. Then I saw on a different app that I'm also on that I matched with a fake looking profile (but a different girl and different name, Anne) and she sent me a similar message as this girl I was supposed to meet with tonight. I asked Anne who she was and if I had matched with her anywhere else, and she immediately blocked me. So I know something is really up. I'm also worried that whoever this person is, they have my number and know the neighborhood I live in, although it's a big city I live in.

    I don't know why I did this, all of my other friends hook up with people they've never met on these things all the time, and nothing sketchy has ever happened to them. I guess I thought that meant it was all totally fine. And I've always been mad at myself for being so cautious about everything so I made myself do this thing that I wasn't sure about to begin with. I don't know if I'll be safe by just blocking this person. I don't know what to do now.
     
  8. Leah061

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    You're right, and it's not like I didn't know this. It's not like I've never been taught how to be safe on the internet, and yet I made this ridiculous choice tonight that could have gotten me raped/killed. I don't know what got into me that made me agree to this. It's just that everyone else I know does this and nothing's ever happened to them. Maybe they're all just incredibly lucky and stupid, and I'm stupid for assuming that I'd be fine doing the same.
     
  9. Destin

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    It's pretty rare for something like this to happen on an app honestly, you just got very unlucky. I meet strangers on apps at their house somewhat often with no significant issues, and I'm a small dude so am equally vulnerable as a girl would be to danger. I don't think this is your fault, it's just a good idea to be more careful going forward.
     
  10. fadedstar

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    I don't have any experience with dating apps myself but it sounds as if maybe you were being targeted/groomed by a specific individual or group of individuals as Destin mentioned. I would think about reporting this if you think it could be suspicious as they might go after others they deem vulnerable (if that is what's going on.)
     
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  11. Lin1

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    Now you have posted this, I wonder if the guy who was looking at you wasn't the "girl" on the app. He could easily pretend to be a girl meeting up with you at a friend's house so you follow the guy home assuming the girl will join soon except there is no girl, especially since "she" knew you were leaving as soon as you did and was upset you were scared of that unknown guy. Please be careful in the future. I am very glad the taxi dropped you off in the street and not in front of the house as it could have had a very different ending.

    And not to scare you but in my home country there is currently a national search for a girl who disappeared while visiting an apartment on her own. She went to visit it and the guy killed her (he is refusing to admit it but there is proof he has) and now it has come to light that two girls went to visit it a few days before but because they came with their boyfriend the owner never showed up nor answered the phone to them again.

    In the future if you ever do this again tell someone where you are heading as well as a screenshot of the profile to your friend for safety purposes and in case someone does hurt you
     
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  12. Broccoli

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    That sounds very scary and I'm glad you're OK. You were 100% right to leave and it sounds like you removed yourself from what could have been a dangerous situation. I agree with @Linning's advice below - your safety is really important.

    On another note, you don't have to kiss a random female stranger to know you're a lesbian. Do you think that straight girls are desperate to kiss a random guy because they don't know if they're straight or not until they do?! Take a deep breath and take it easy. I'm sorry you're having to get over another girl you like but I suspect a random hookup isn't going to make it any better.
     
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  13. Ram90

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    OMG. I swear, you are so lucky and I'm so happy you were alert and all. My first meet (not a hookup) was like awful. It took me a while after that to actually start trusting guys on the dating sites, let alone meet them. I was kept waiting for almost an hour at the corner of a busy intersection outside a local mall. And then the guys shows up and he's someone totally different from the pic he sent me. I was blindsided and catfished. I still gave him a chance, but he took me to a roadside tea stall to have a cup of tea without asking me what I wanted. After waiting on the road, standing for almost an hour in the hot sun, I wanted to go to a nice cafe and have some iced tea while sitting down. But he wasn't bothered lol. I was too polite so I listened to his bullshit for half hour, and then told him I had to leave. Blocked him and was very scared after that.
     
  14. Leah061

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    I mean that's what I keep thinking, that there was never a girl to begin with, and just this guy (or possibly group of guys). But he walked right past me, and then he just watched me from afar. Obviously that doesn't rule out that it still could have been a sketchy situation, but that would at least make a bit more since in the story the girl from the app was giving. He could have just been waiting outside for her to show up and let us in. I know that doesn't sound likely, but it makes me feel a little less freaked out knowing that it could be true. That I wasn't actually almost killed last night.
     
  15. Destin

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    To me it sounds like the guy in the road was just an employee, told to be there and watch you as a scout to make sure you didn't leave before the 'boss' got there. He might not have done anything because his boss told him not to in case it scared you away. If the guy in the road was the girl on the app he wouldn't have had a reason to wait, he would have just done whatever he wanted right then. I have a feeling if you waited much longer you would have met the boss, who probably isn't a girl, and something shady would have went down.
     
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  16. Emmareld

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    That was probably a good decision you chose to leave because that seemed rather messed up, and like something else was going on.
     
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  17. Leah061

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    So I really need some advice on what to do now. I blocked her and reported her. I even deleted my account and everything in it. I sent a message to the app service support.

    This person has my phone number, picture, first name, and knows the neighborhood I live in. I’m really scared right now, I haven’t left my apartment since I got back last night. I feel like I can’t tell anyone about this because it would involve me admitting that I tried to hook up with a girl last night and I would have to admit to making these idiotic choices. It’s embarrassing.

    I tried google image searching her pictures but I couldn’t find anything.
     
  18. Lin1

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    There is nothing embarassing, what you have done is pretty common and nothing to be ashamed of. If you are too scared maybe report it ? But otherwise I don't think it's likely the person will go out to look for you.
     
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  19. Emmareld

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    Yeah, like Linning said, they probably won't come looking for you or anything like that, it would be a lot of effort on their part, and they probably just would be interested in an easier situation so they would move on to the next (as messed up as that sounds) it'll probably be alright. But its good that you blocked them and all that.
     
  20. DirectionNorth

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    I went through something kind of similar, not that scary though, but if you live in a big city, and if your first name is kind of a common name, you'll probably be safe if they do happen to be persistent. Which I do not think they will be, I think they want someone dumb who just walks in(or follows their orders without thinking it's weird.) They often don't want smart people who can get a sense of "this is so weird, I'm out." And that might be why they could've been using that bullying, intimidating tone, as a last resort to get you to stay because they would have failed and had to go back to the drawing board.

    Are you scared of telling the police because you'd be outing yourself? While I get that fear, this was something organized and weird, and I urge you to try to report it. Do you have an LGBT centre in your city? Maybe see if they can help you with that concern and give advice on how to teell the police.
     
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