1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The terrible shocking feeling...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by out2019, Sep 2, 2018.

  1. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    of realizing ... you really ,.. want to be gay....
    It's hitting me tonight... I want to be intimate with a man.... not just any man... and that's even a little bit scarier, I may not be generically 'gay' like a fetish for guys, but long to be with a special guy.. I don't know if I am making any sense...
     
    Limiteded likes this.
  2. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,464
    Likes Received:
    2,320
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yes, the feeling is overwhelming. To finally acknowledge you want to be with a man Romantically, sexually, and intellectually is awesome. When you find that special guy it is beyond words. Good luck.
     
    Limiteded likes this.
  3. r2de2baca

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    53
    Location:
    Over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes I know exactly how you feel and I thought that by exploring my gay side I would find that too. That special relationship with a special guy and no matter what I did Or tried or waited or whatever it never happened. Overall I feel like there are indeed great guys that are gay but its a needle in a haystack to find them. Longing for something special actually has made me depressed and lonely. I sadly have accepted that the most I can expect from any guy is just something physical. Sure you can find someone nice but doesnt mean you are going to be into them. Trying to find someome special that I am actually into seems likes its just too much to ask. I havent settled yet for just saying screw it and joiningn the masses of random hookups but I have accepted that what I am looking for I probably wont ever find/meet. It sucks.
     
  4. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is my biggest fear going through all this and ending up like that.
     
  5. A Seraphim Moon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2016
    Messages:
    133
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Johnson City, TN USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Don't resign yourself to a fate of loneliness just yet. Also, don't settle for just anyone. Romance isn't a cure all for loneliness nor is it when depression is concerned.

    I may be lacking in the romance department... But, in truth that is an after thought. I needed to take care of me first and foremost. It took me a long time to find me and figure things out.

    It's hard to do, but it is possible. Possible to be happy being single. It doesn't mean you'll be a confirmed bachelor for the rest of your life. It just shows confidence in who you are.

    I don't need someone to fulfill me or be the other half of my heart. I don't have a half heart to begin with. I want a companion to share my life with.

    It may be silly advice or even naive hope. But, either way... I'd suggest try being happy for none other but yourself. Find happiness and confidence in yourself. Don't rely on the possibility of a relationship to bring you happiness or the lack of a relationship to cause unhappiness.
     
    #5 A Seraphim Moon, Sep 5, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2018
    SevnButton and Pole star like this.
  6. r2de2baca

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    53
    Location:
    Over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    well the fear is real. wanting something special is like ordering something custom at mcdonalds...it takes forever and usually it comes out wrong. it could happen of course and maybe I have just had bad luck in dating but its really been miserable. Its like I feel gee I risked everything to have these options.... I often wish I never even decided to pursue dating men. I feel like a woman who has everyhing going for her but keep meetig oversexualized jerks. As a guy being. into women, I had so many more options of meeting successful attractive women that were looking for someome special and not just a screw and carried themseves with dignity and class. As a guy seeking the same thing with guys its been horrible. Just a bunch of guys that were socialized about dating and sex from hookup apps and porn so they bring that same element to "dating". Also not much going for themselves. Its pretty dismal.
     
    justaguyinsf, amiready and Nickos like this.
  7. r2de2baca

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    53
    Location:
    Over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    yes but there is only so much alone time and self betterment time you can stomach before you feel lonely.
     
  8. Limiteded

    Limiteded Guest

    Perfect sense I’m with you 100%
     
  9. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    so what are you going to do?
     
  10. fadedstar

    fadedstar Guest

    I can completely relate to this. Life can feel so rough sometimes especially when it seems like everyone else is able to find that spark with someone, and you just can't seem to find it in a way where those feelings are reciprocated.

    In my case I think some of that longing comes from not having the best family dynamics growing up and not having many close friends/being kind of a social misfit. When you've lacked those feelings of unconditional regard or acceptance you crave them even more as time passes. Ironically when people pick up on this need in you it often puts them off. Which is fucking unfair and cruel but that's how life is apparently.

    I'm in my late 20s and getting ready to give on the idea of someone special and just sleep with whoever... I just hope I don't do that and then fall in love right after causing me to regret my choices. But knowing my luck that could happen. I think eventually you just have to take life as it comes and accept what is.
     
    #10 fadedstar, Sep 7, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2018
  11. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Throwing out for debate. What I'm reading in the above quoted material is the hurt part of the anger, hurt equation that's so common within closeted gay people (or anyone else who's going through conflict). Your homework assignment is to study "internalized homophobia".

    This is another clue. The hurt feeds upon itself robbing one of energy.

    A couple forces are happening here. Hurt again. And if you present this "throw in the towel" approach a perspective partner is going to run fo the hills. (unless a perspective partner is the type that likes a challenger and likes to fix people - yes they are out there)

    This is a repeat. There is "something" inside you that is hindering your own feelings. See below for suggestions on how to identify what that something is.

    Hurt and internalized homophobia.

    Here are some suggestions to self help yourself. Not all inclusive.
    a) Start a routine exercise program. Walk or run and cycle. No less than 3 times a week, no more than 5 day a week.
    b) Eat right (hint ditch junk food - it's shit) and drink lots of water and get good sleep - 8 hours.
    c) Leave the alcohol and "other" destractors alone.
    d) Get out and join LGBT groups and become involved in said groups.
    e) (borrowing from meditation techniques - yes I attend official sessions) As I exercise I think about how wonderful parts of my body are. I start with my hands and finish with my feet. I think how wonderful my body is, for being able to do what it is I am doing - exercising. In my case cycling. Concentrating like this, going through the exercise, takes energy but in my case I have noticed benefits after 2 to 3 sessions of body thanks. (this is called loving kindness in Buddhism)..
     
    #11 brainwashed, Sep 7, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
  12. r2de2baca

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    53
    Location:
    Over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Your homework is to stop labeling people as homophobic! You know what?! I am bloody tired of people like you that want to throw some internalized homophobic label on anyone that voices any struggle or uneasiness about finding a mate in the gay world. Of course its something they are doing wrong or some internalized homophobic mindwarp that is making them single. Well tbat's bloody wrong and you need to just stop! You do not have a clue and your knee jerk dime-store words are meaningless. The fact remains that as gays you are in a minority and very small minority and that makes it a lot harder to find what you like because there is simply less options around and many of the available options arent all that great or conducive to starting a serious monogomous relationship. That's a fact. Maybe in your candyland world of unicorns and rainbows everyone is happy go lucky and coupled but in my and many other guys worlds its a challenge to find a partner due to the sheer numbers for one and other issues that are specific to the gay community. So that doesnt mean a person that voices these conerns is homophobic. How in the heck is this a safe place when you voice sadness or dispair you are slapped with a INCORRECT negative label "internalized homophobia". You do not know jack sh!t about what I have or have not dome in the gay community to meet someone so save your store bought terms for someone else. This really sickens me and is so beyond not helpful!
     
  13. r2de2baca

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    53
    Location:
    Over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am not going to do anything. I have tried every angle I know to meet the type of person I would like. It did not work. So if someone is interested in me they can put themselves out there but I will not any longer. Oh and to the a-hole who is going to say "when you stop looking thats when you will find love"...been there done that, did not happen.
     
  14. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's quite an indictment on a member here who has been posting for years, and has read thousands upon thousands of posts from fellow members. It is practically impossible to avoid internalized homophobia as a part of the self-acceptance and coming out journey - indeed it is the primary cause of the fear that keeps us in the closet and a primary component of denial of our sexuality. IH (Internalized homophobia) seeps into so many areas of our psyches and personality that it can take years and years to fully eliminate it. And yes, IH may still be a continuing factor to consider when attempting to date those of our same gender. Having read many of the OPs posts, it's clear that IH is affecting the OP as well.

    Not every comment on a thread will resonate with every member, and some may even disagree. It's just opinion. If you disagree, you also can just scroll past it and move on. No need to bash anyone for their opinion.

    Perhaps IH isn't relevant for you. Brainwashed also gave you some concrete suggestions that could help. Ultimately, you should consider that your comments in this thread are defeatist. For example, "I sadly have accepted that the most I can expect from any guy is just something physical." There are countless examples of gay people finding meaningful and lasting relationships. That doesn't make it easy, certainly. But rather than just accepting that's all you can expect for yourself, some examination of your life, your personality, your dating process, your environment, and your past issues with IH can be instrumental in helping you find what you're looking for. Or you can whine and just decide you'll never find it. Hope is powerful.
     
  15. r2de2baca

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    53
    Location:
    Over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I don't care if they have been on here for a day or for ten years you should not label people negatively without facts. It's harmful and to support someone doing this if equally as digusting. So say it is is an indictment on someone who had been here for years mean what exactly? You can be here for years and push someone into a corner with attacking incorrect words and labels. Great so I am to blame once again. What kind of help board is this.You push someone into a corner and hurl insults at them and get surprised when their Velvet Rage comes out. Maybe you both should read the book because you would know throwing these lables at people incorrectly can be very hurtful and damaging.
     
    #15 r2de2baca, Sep 7, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
  16. r2de2baca

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    53
    Location:
    Over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    from I'm gay: "Or you can whine and just decide you'll never find it. Hope is powerful."

    Oh great thanks for telling me that I am whining. How in the (insert choice word) is that supposed to be supportive??!!! I merely was just sharing my current feelings of loneliness and struggles which I thought this place was supposed to be a loving safe place to do so. So if I am "whining" then so is everyone else on this da$n site. So is every gay or bi man that married a woman and now three years later discovered he likes men and doesnt know what to do with his wife and kids. So are all the "late in life" gays over 50 that are closeted and trying to come to terms with their sexuality when society and especially gay society says they are over the hills and their best years are behind him. If I am whining then so are all the younger kids that are scared to come out and depressed about even being gay. How effin dare you attack me and call my struggle "whining". You represent a major problem that many new or newly coming out gays have with the so called "community". You attack your own!!! You forget where you came from and how hard it was for you to even make one step forward. How hard it is for some of us to even get out of bed in the morning. You have the nerve to give "tough love" when a supportive hand and kind ear is needed. You know nothing about support. You are why people turn away from the "community". Gotta get on with it....move faster... jump out there....put blinders on like everything is perfect and exactly like being straight...well you are wrong! and if voicing sadness or dispair at real life experiences is not welcomed here by people like you, then you are the problem not me. Ill continue to sit in my authenthic self and place and share my authenthic feelings and if you call that whining then you are exactly the reason me and many others "whine" about the realities of so called gay community.
     
    #16 r2de2baca, Sep 7, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
  17. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you for giving honest answers, it helps me realistically approach this.
     
  18. justaguyinsf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2016
    Messages:
    603
    Likes Received:
    375
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I totally agree with this. It's a big problem among gay men (e.g., https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/gay-loneliness/.) Women generally expect more out of life and relationships than gay men, and I sometimes think they bring a necessary depth to a relationship that is lacking when it is only men. Not universally true in every situation, but frequent enough to notice (and apparently inspire articles). I think it's generally better to be straight than gay if what you want is a relationship and the good stuff that goes with it. One of the things I'm working on with my therapist at the moment is how to live a fulfilling life despite the handicap of my sexuality.
     
    #18 justaguyinsf, Sep 8, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2018
  19. NewHaircut

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2016
    Messages:
    72
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Melbourne, Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I can't help but think there's been a misunderstanding here. My understanding of IH is that its not a label. And certainly not a negative thing to say about someone or suggest to them. If I suffer from IH (which, by the way I do, to a small extent, like a huge majority of the LGBT+ population also do), it doesn't mean I'm homophobic. It doesn't mean that I go about treating others in the LGBT+ community badly. It means that the all of the homophobia (and in my case, biphobia and bierasure) that I have encountered in my life, directly or not, causes me continued suffering internally. Not because I continue to dwell on it, but because it is impossible for it not to in some way, however small, shape my views of myself, my views in general, my thoughts, and my actions. And usually I am completely unaware of its impact on me.

    I just wanted to point this out because somehow this thread went downhill really quickly. And I only started reading it because I was completely in awe of Amiready's story. I'm so happy for you mate, beyond words! I read you other thread all the way to the end, because I was going to respond to a question you'd had right back in your first post, and by the time I got to the end, it was like you were the lead character in some epic movie drama - I was totally hoping you'd "make it", so-to-speak, and elated when you did. You should be super proud!

    Yeah, life sucks at times, but there's no way I'd ever want to go back to a time when I was attempting to lie to myself about all this. Whatever happens, at least I'm not also continuing to fight against myself and feel like a fraud 24/7. That was far worse.
     
  20. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    (not a lot of time to respond. - sorry) Internal homophobia is a condition not a label. Internalized homophobia is offered on this thread so people can do their own research and learn and reflect. I have answered so many questions about myself by doing my research - basically this is called reflection. Like anger, what's going on when someone gets angry? To break down anger I think of cause / effect. The effect is anger, so what is the cause? (its reverse thinking)

    I am not an expert here but I am actually fascinated when someone show's anger and the type of anger. Showing anger is a clear flag that "something" is going on. (a flag is way better than someone sitting there in a null state) Example: I get extremely angry when I see someone hitting a child, young person. I come unglued and have been known to intervene - thats really something for a runt to intervene. On different occasion I would begin to shake. Other times I would curl up in a ball on the floor. I kept asking myself why do I these things? The answer is I was (in a nut shell) abused when young. Beaten. Neglected. Yelled at. Etc.

    By noting my anger, reflecting, journaling, I came up with theories. With time my theories firmed up. I now consider some theories about my anger facts.

    Anger can be debilitating. @r2de2baca I encourage you to see a therapist. Why? It's my view that a therapist may be able to get at the root cause of your anger.