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Pretty sure im straight but

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Haribo, Aug 28, 2018.

  1. Haribo

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    Don't even know where to start.

    Basically, I'm pretty sure I'm straight. But like the other day I was talking with a gay friend and some of the stuff he said just sort of chimed a bell in me and made me wonder.

    (ive copied a bit from my intro post)
    Like in this day and age, at least where i'm from it's not even a big deal if someone isn't straight but like it was when we were 15/16/17 everyone would realise what they are and it's just not a big deal, but maybe that's just from my point of view. Like in our friend group there's gays and lesbians and like a trans guy and we just don't care like it's not even thought of.

    So like this weekend at a house party once everyone was settling down for the night, I was chatting with my friend who was gay and we talking about how its weird that like we were we lounging around on each other like but how you wouldn't see 2 straight guys do the same. Like he was resting his head on my lap and stroking my leg and it wasn't like flirty or anything other than 2 mates being comfortable with other but we were just saying how if he was straight that's not even possible because the label itself is like a barrier with how close 2 people can get.

    And I asked him how he knew he was gay and he said there wasn't really a moment he was like oh no im gay he said he just always thought he was straight because that what everyone was until he was like 12/13, and he knew he liked boys but didn't know that was gay or he wasn't straight. And then one day a boy who was out kissed him and started asking him like do you like girls and he was like 'I don't know not really' and they spoke and that was like his realisation of ohhh im not straight but he said it wasn't like this massive revelation just like someone telling you the name of something you already understand.


    It was just when he was on about 'knowing girls are attractive but not finding them attractive' and 'knowing boys were attractive and actually finding them attractive' but it took someone to make him think about because he was just on like auto pilot of 'being straight'.


    And I know I like girls and I've had girlfriends and I definitely get off over girls but just made me think like do I like guys too? Because like when he was talking about it and I could see him like laid on me I think I liked that he was stroking my leg and we were being like a bit more intimate than I am with my straight friends.


    And I know when guys are attractive or like good looking but I don't know if I FIND them attractive. And I don't know how to like test the theory I guess.


    A part of me really doesn't care. Like if it was as easy to say to someone, I've never been with a guy, I wanna try it to be sure and it was like yeah ok, no big deal then i'd just do that I guess. But even with my open minded friends its still like YOU'RE GAY NOW?! or something.

    Like how can I find out without causing drama I guess.

    This is super long. Sorry.


    TL;DR

    A gay friends story about realising he was gay made me wonder if I could be bi or something.
    I just don't know how I can be sure if I am.
     
  2. smurf

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    Tell your friend that you want to experiment, but you need to be kept a secret for now.

    A friend of mine came to me with pretty much the same request. He just wanted to try it and see if something happened. Gave him a blowjob, blew his damn mind, and at the end he figured out that he isn't repulsed by guys and he enjoyed it for what it was, but definitely nothing more than that. Nothing has changed between us since then.

    From your post, it seems like this is something your friendship with your friend should be able to handle
     
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  3. Haribo

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    Urm I don't think real people do this stuff? lmao
    And if they do I think my friends are off limits.
     
  4. Chiroptera

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    Hey Haribo,

    This is something i usually suggest when someone is questioning his/her orientation:

    First of all, take a deep breath and relax. This is about you and yourself, there is no need to rush to any conclusions.

    Think about your attractions. When thinking about women, do you feel attracted to them? Sexually and romantically? What about men, do you feel attracted to them? When you imagine yourself in a relationship, do you think you could be happy with a man or a woman, or you would be happy with any of them? When you fantasize, do you think about men or women?

    Try imagining yourself having a romantic time with a woman (kissing, cuddling, etc.). How do you feel about it, do you like the idea, or do you feel repulse? What if you imagine the same situation, but with a man? How do you feel? What if it is more than just romance, and we include sex in this imagination exercise? Do you feel repulse when you imagine a man, do you like the idea, do you think it might be interesting...?

    Remember: You don't need to tell anyone unless you want to. Take your time!

    Experimentation may help in some cases, but you don't need it to reach a final conclusion about your orientation (and some people are still confused even after experimenting). Try this mental exercise and take your time (minutes, hours, days, weeks) exploring your thoughts, feelings and attractions.
     
  5. Haribo

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    I guess when I'm thinking about stuff it's always been women. Duno it's hard to picture myself with a guy, not because it doesn't feel right but it's like just something I don't think ive done.

    I think sometimes when like I've seen my mates bodies and stuff. If I really really think about it I get an urge to like idk wanna touch them. But I've never consciously thought like yeah that's hot yano? Like just to know how their body feels coz its looks idk like duno just like im intrigued to know how it feels.

    My stomach does feel a bit churny thinking about that actually. like anxious churns.

    Like sometimes if im really close with a mate (guy mate) like the one I was talking to about how he knew he was gay, sometimes I just like wanna be close, like physically. Like bring it in for a hug type thing. But also sometimes I part of me just like really wants to know what their skin feels like (#notamurderer)

    ugh I duno. I'm sweating now thinking about it. :sweat_smile:
    I never get anxious about things lol
     
  6. Chiroptera

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    Don't worry, questioning is not an easy process for most of us (it certainly wasn't easy for me!). Like i said, just take a deep breath and remember you are just thinking about this, inside your head, and you don't need to tell anyone about it. It's about you and yourself.

    Try to continue with the mental exercise i suggested and see if your thoughts become clearer. Don't rush it, do it at your own pace. If you discover you are straight, then great! If you discover you aren't, then that's great too! Try not to sweat it too much (but don't feel bad if you do worry about it - it is normal :slight_smile: ).

    You can also try fantasizing about guys during masturbation. I wouldn't recommend porn because, while it may help with your fantasy, it is something designed to please you, so there is the risk that it may end up being more confusing than helpful. Try fantasizing and picturing a guy in your head and see if that arouses you.

    Of course, if you are anxious about it, it may not be clear at first. But, from what you describe, you aren't automatically feeling repulse or lack of interest, you seem to be confused or anxious about it. Therefore, it is a good thing to explore these feelings so you may slowly make things clearer in your head. Just take your time. :slight_smile:
     
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  7. Haribo

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    Sooo I've spent the day trying to think about stuff, not forcing myself but like just really trying to see exactly what I feel when I do feel whatever it is im feeling. It's weird coz I still get that super sicky anxious feeling in my stomach but I seem to like come back to picturing the same thing over and over.

    And its weird coz like I feel the sicky anxious feeling in my stomach, I feel confusion in my head but then I feel a tingle...elsewhere.
    But then its like is it just a nervous tingle? Like im 19, a strong breeze would probably cause a tingle.
     
  8. -Michael-

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    Howdy and welcome.

    2 things stuck out for me there


    Sounds like you've got in your head you're straight and therefore you shouldn't be feeling this.
    In reality, you absolutely can be straight and want to be physically close with other people. EVEN GUYS!

    Maybe the first step, instead of thinking arggh what am i?!
    Question why being straight means you can't go and give your guys friends hug.
    I know you've alluded to maybe wanting more than that and not being sure, but it could be you and your friends, as open minded as they sound, have this concrete definition and rules as to what identity can do with what identity.

    Plenty of hets are close to fellows hets. My friends are super touchy feely with other and when they get a bit TOO intimate they call it a bromance to make their delicate identities feel manly again. Do i think they're gay or a bit bi? No. I think they love each other so much they need to use physical intimacy to show it but because 'the label itself is like a barrier with how close 2 people can get', they need to qualify their actions with the label 'bromance'.

    Maybe consider that angle but don't fall into the trap of YES THATS IT and then suppress the curiosity you're currently feeling.
    Explore my angle, explore Chiroptera's and explore anymore you can safely.

    You're doing a great job questioning what you're feeling as opposed to dismissing them out of convenience, carry on doing that.
    Explore the tingle, is it nerves? Is it your body telling you something your minds not caught up to yet?

    Explore why you get that anxious feeling. Would being something other than straight be problematic for you?
    Maybe your family life? Maybe your friends?

    Pop a message if you wanna chat and use the anonymous section if you feel shy sharing!
     
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  9. Haribo

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    Yeah I get what you're saying but I don't get that feeling that I love them so much I need to show them in ways not 'straight' lol.
    Like we hug and stuff and we're the type who are half naked 4 to a bed at a stayover.
    Duno, I get what you're saying but it just feels more than that if that makes sense.
    Like I feel stupid going into detail coz its like a big deal for me but obviously for people who know they're bi or gay or w.e its like....and?
    but like I keep picturing my friends torso.
    He's got like abs and tanned skin and like peach fuzz I guess but its weird coz like a lot of my friends have abs, I've seen abs its not the abs that im like yeah that's interesting its just duno. something about his body inparticular I just like wanna rest my head on his belly lmfao.
    Like id say we're a good looking group lmao as a whole its just something about him that I just like wanna be close with him.


    And I know im not in love with him lmao. Like we're really good friends but he's not like yano.
    I just like wanna treat him and act with him sometimes like I wanna act with girls I like.
    But obviously with the girls I can be like yeah she's peng but with him its like
    I know he's good looking but am I attracted to him? duno lol
     
  10. -Michael-

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    So is the friend you have these feelings for gay?
    So you're saying the barrier not being there is what has let you consider you may be having more than just friendly thoughts.

    I gotchya.

    Your posts read like you're embarrassed by what you're saying, maybe getting out your full feelings in detail will help clear your head.

    You say how you wanna act with girls you like but what does that mean? Could mean your kidnap and murder them! If it's that embarrassing to share with strangers, like I said earlier there's an anonymous area. Or maybe even just type it out and delete it or write it down.

    You could be deep down wanting to rip off his clothes and take him there and then but right now you've got to liking his belly and you let your nerves take over and stop you exploring that thought.

    Just go for it. It's in your head, there's no consequence!
     
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  11. Haribo

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    I am SUPER embarrassed by what im saying.

    What I mean by acting like I do with girls is like, acting how people do when they're attracted to someone.
    even in a relationship or dating. Like sometimes I wanna spoon him and have my hand rub under his shirt.
    And ive realised after the conversation we had (the one I mentioned in the OP) I've had that urge SO many times before. Like I there are several times I've actively spooned him and definitely felt the urge to touch him but didn't and its mental to think at the time I didn't think anything of it.
    Like I put it down to being so used to spooning the girls I've been with and doing it with them that it's almost like been conditioned into me that that's what I do when I spoon someone.

    Theres a running joke in the group that I gaybait because I always pick him for things like doing daft stuff or to share a bed with and I've just put it down to not wanting to share a bed and stuff with a straight mate or a girl.

    Like how am I gonna know without just asking him if I can do that. What if I ask and he's like wtf no. What if I think im bi and then im like yeah lets do stuff but then im like wait wtf no this isn't right.

    If thats to me, read the first post its pretty clear
     
  12. HardToSay

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    Wow... I was expecting "and so we kissed"... Nope... You went straight for it...
     
  13. HardToSay

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    Hi Haribo! Great name, by the way!!! :slight_smile:

    I would just talk to your friend and be open... See what he says...What Chiroptera said was very valid, but I think you might be a lot more leaning towards romantic infatuation than sexual attraction... I don't think there is a reason to sexualize your (possible) feelings... Love manifests itself even without sex...

    Just my two cents...

    Good luck! xxx :slight_smile:
     
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  14. Haribo

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    He's having people over tonight so if we end up having a chat again idk I'll see what I say lmao.
    I said in the group chat the best part of parties is the spoons and chat at the end when everyone goes to sleep and he messaged me privately saying he'll reserve his bed for me, like jokes obviously. That's just the banter but I feel like if he said someone else was already gonna get the bed with him like i'd be pissed off.

    Like am I jealous lmfao.
    I was thinking maybe its because of the attention he gives me. Like I've been with a loooot of girls and had like 1 or 2 'serious' relationships but they don't even come close to how close we are. Like even my best mate who I've known since we were kids doesn't compare sometimes. Like he just seems to be able to read me so well like times I've joined everyone and been happy and jolly and I just see him staring at me and then get a text like 'somethings wrong, whats wrong?' and i'm like how the fuck does he know lmao.

    Like this makes a LOT of sense, but when I went to bed last night I was thinking about.....stuff and I had a physical reaction, if you catch my drift but I didn't like follow up with is....if you catch my drift
     
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  15. HardToSay

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    It could be you are gay or bisexual :slight_smile:

    Kisses
     
  16. -Michael-

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    Hardtosay might have a very good point.

    It could you're just experiencing things usually reserved for loving relationships and you really like it.

    That being said I have female friends who are very good emotional support, without the physical side of things you describe and I don't see them in a different light as anything other than a good friend.

    Might be because you're so used to hetero life of being shut off from your emotions?

    If you feel comfortable, talk to your friend. Maybe go in-depth about how you appreciate how close you are and he might unknowingly help you find the root of your feelings.

    If it's a party you're on about going to, maybe don't stay sober so you don't do or say something you regret.
     
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  17. thinkreal93

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    Hi Haribo.
    Reading through your posts in this thread, it seems like you're straight, but are open to a gay experience. You have this gay friend who you've formed a bond with, like bromance, but since he's gay, your mind has processed this as something more than bromance, thereby allowing you to embrace a sexual feel as well. Correct me if I am wrong there.

    One of the reasons I'm saying this is that if you were really into guys sexually, I'd say you wouldn't doubt it by now. A bisexual guy or gay guy would get sexually excited and be mesmerised looking at guys and maybe even start fantasising about guys by now.
     
  18. Haribo

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    Update if anyone cares lol
    So last night wasn't so much a party as it was just a big chill night but we still had fun.

    This is so long, I just panic rambled. Theres a TL;DR, just scroll.

    Theres more backstory but its probs boring for you so....

    For reference though, earlier in the night another friend (girl) comfronted my gay friend and said he's a bit too 'comfortable' around me and treats me like i'm his boyfriend and there was like a lil awkward encounter. Anyway

    So we were in bed and watching this god awful film on Netflix (For the record ridiculous 6 is shite) and I notice he's not his usual touchy feely cuddly self and I could see he wasnt really watching the film or trying to sleep and had something on his mind. So I put my arm around him and laughed and said stop overthinking everything (ironic I know) and he just said yeahh but doesn't really move closer or anything. So I like jiggled my arm hinting for him to like snuggle in and he did but didn't look overjoyed.

    I felt my heartrate shoot up which its never done before and I like full on had a erection so I like raised my knees and my heart rate went even faster coz I was like shit why do I have a hard on and what if he feels/sees it and gets the wrong idea and probs because I was nervous but for some reason I couldn't control it and then I couldn't seem to get enough air so I was like breathing heavily but I didn't want him to know that so I was taking shallow breaths and then my chest hurt like it wasnt getting enough air so I was like quietly dying. Duno what it was but felt awful.

    And he said something like 'I know you're straight and didn't think it was a problem but now im worried i'll end up liking you and I don't want that.
    And I was like oh god please don't feel my heart beat freaking out so I just asked why even though I knew why
    and he was like coz you're straight and it can't go anywhere so its just setting himself up for hurt.
    and I said well I like how close we are but if he wants to take a step back that sucks but sure
    and THEN I said 'but I think i'd be jealous if you were like this with someone else'
    and he said something like 'that's coz you're a gaybait'
    and I said I didn't think so I just like being close with him
    and I could see the cogs turning in his head turning at full speed and he just asked why
    and I said I didn't know I just look forward to seeing him and like he's around but in a different way to when I like my best (straight) friend around (who I've known since we were kids) and again I could see him like working 1000mph in his head.
    And he asked in what way specifically do I like it and I was honestly and said I didn't know, but a different way.
    And he asked what was different and again I was honest and said I didn't want to cuddle up with my best friend but I do with him
    and he asked if im just saying these things because I like attention from people (like romantic attention) which not gonna lie, pissed me off. Like is that the impression I give people? Why do I give people that impression?
    so I rolled my eyes and sighed and didn't say anything and he could see that annoyed me
    and he was looking right up at me like into my eyes and im just watching TV coz he's pissed me off lmao
    and he asked what it is that makes me excited to see him and I was pissed and I was said coz usually you know whats on my mind but clearly not if you think I like attention
    and he said sorry but he just doesn't understand what im saying and I said that I don't either
    and he said he had an idea what I was trying to say but it could be wishful thinking making him think that
    and I knew what he meant like I KNEW but I asked what he meant and he said it sounds like im trying to come out to him
    and I just laughed a little but didn't say anything and it was probably a 3 second pause in talking but it felt like 30 minutes and all I could hear was my heartbeat and i'm wondering how on earth is not feeling my heart literally jackhammering.
    and he said 'are you?' and I said 'no' and asked what is it then and I said I duno.

    And I was just honest I just said I liked spending time with him, I like it when we're in bed and spooning and I like wrapping my arms around him and him resting on me and leaning on me and stuff and then I said 'and sometimes when we wake up and we're just looking at each I get the urge to like...' and then stopped.


    and he was like urge to what? and I said nevermind forget it and he kept asking and I just said I don't know
    and looking back now literally 9 hours laters im like fuck it you know what sometimes I wanna kiss him
    sometimes I just wanna take his lil stupid face in my hands and kiss him and touch him but like 9 hours ago I couldn't breath and couldn't speak so I just kept asking if we could drop it and then asked him a bit later if he wouldn't mention it to anyone (even his best friend) until I know what im talking about and he said theres nothing to tell coz he doesn't even know what there is to tell and I was like yeah sorry and I trust he won't tell his best friend but now im terrified to interact with anyone in the group because im like THEY ALL KNOW. But like know what? I didnt' say anything? did I just heavily imply I wanna get with a guy? Do I wanna get with a guy?


    So this is gross but when I got back home a few hours ago, I was like MUST. BEAT. MEAT. so I beated that meated and I full on was thinking about my friend and without going into detail it was a big gay fantasy and jesus Christ...what a ending.


    So I still don't think im bi....I don't think its denial...I just think maybe I wanna bang my friend who just happens to be a guy
    and maybe if I did i'd be like cool yeah was fun but not for me? Or maybe its just like one of those taboo things and im like oo I shouldn't so therefore I do. Or maybe I am. But I don't feel this way about any other guys. Like I know what someone is good looking but I don't wanna do anything I think I wanna do with my friend. Is that how things start?

    TL;DR

    I almost came out to a gay friend I might fancy even though I don't even know if I do. Though I think I might coz I beated the meated afterwards thinking about him and didn't feel gross or weird after.
     
  19. Totesgaybrah

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    Wow what a ride!

    It sounds like you both have really strong feelings for each other.

    My question is after you masturbated how did you feel about the whole situation?

    There’s literally nothing wrong with being bi or gay so you shouldn’t worry about if you are or not.

    No matter what happens you two have a special relationship and it would be a real shame if something happened to mess that up. Relationships like yours don’t happen all the time so it’s something to cherish.
    -------------
    Ok I went back and read the whole thread.

    It seems like you feel closer to him than you have ever felt to any other guy or girl, even girls you’ve had “serious” relationships with.

    It seems like the only thing keeping you from fully embracing the potential of this relationship is “that’s gay” “I don’t want to be gay”.
    Don’t let labels hold anything back. Your friends won’t care at all in fact I’ll bet they would be really happy for you.
    -----------------
    To me it sounds like love. You didn’t just meet him so it’s not just lust and you’re have physical reactions so it’s not just platonic. Just think, and keep an open mind.
     
  20. Haribo

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    I don't know. Almost relieved. Usually I find my attraction (at least temporarily) drops after I've masturbated over someone but I felt the same way.

    Like right now I feel a huge urge to just tell him (about how I feel not the....beating of the meating) but I know it'll change a lot of things.
    I considered talking to his best friend as maybe he's confided in her and she could say whether im at risk of hurting him by trying to find things out or if he'd handle it well if in the end I was like woops sorry #nohomo
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    Yeah it feels that way. Like I know 100% if he was a girl it'd be a TOTALLY different matter, id have already made my move.
    But I just don't wanna be like hey I want this right but then hours,days,weeks,months later be like actually this isn't what I want at all.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    And im totally the type who likes new shiny things so many im rushing into something I was scared of 24 hours ago because im like oo this is new and different but when I get the new toy i'll be like umm the chase was more fun than the finish.
     
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