Gay and married

I can relate to most of the comments on this thread, by fellow posters. I have a difficult marriage, and with a young child as well it adds significant pressure to things.
To be quite honest, things started to go wrong for me and my wife more than 5 years ago. We lived and worked in separate countries for almost a year, and she resented me a little for having to move back with me and then having difficulty in finding a job. Then after a few months she gained a position in a company that was quite unrelated to her career, and she immediately changed with me...no touching, kissing, holding hands, sex, even sitting close to me. And another tell-tale sign, she hid her phone all of the time. Despite my best efforts she refused to tell me what was going on. I had to hack into her email account to find out that she was having an affair with her boss and was trying to convince him to leave his wife. So upsetting it was unreal. I confronted her and she ended it, but never properly apologized. I lost trust and faith in her after that, and then my sexual desires for guys took over. Although I'm still with my wife (she got pregnant a year later, a mistake but a nice one as it turns out) and as I realised that the spiral effect of lack of love and affection from her fueled my homosexual desires, I decided to start acting as she had done, and have my own little life in secret. I'm not proud of myself, but I don't beat myself up over it either. My wife became more and more argumentative after the affair ended, and probably resents me for finding out. And I am into guys sexually a lot more now, and masturbate to gay fantasies. But I can still get aroused by women, just not my wife unless I make a real effort to get hard for her sexual pleasure. But I have a child now, and the responsibility to make things work and be a tight family unit are overwhelming, more so than any gay thoughts or feelings. So I will suffer in silence for a while, try my best to get the marriage back to a good place, and that will help things along with my fantasising less frequently about guys. But if she does not want to go back to the good times and continues her angry and argumentative nature, and continues to put 100% effort into our child and zero into our relationship, then it will fail.
Would I settle down with a guy if I did split with my wife? I don't know, is the honest answer. Sexy women still turn me on, but not like before...however, the truth of the matter is that I'm too closeted with internalised homophobia and fear of being negatively perceived by friends, family and work colleagues to want to consider that option and "come out" to them as a bi-gay or gay man...that's my honest assessment of my particular scenario.
We all have our own lives to lead and decisions to make in life. There's no magic wand, no crystal ball, no guarantees. You just have to muddle through as best you can.

 

Do you feel that your life is in Limbo? Do you think that you might move on to a new world? Or do you feel that the Sword of Damocles is hanging over your head?
I'm asking because there are so many conflicting thoughts going on in my head, even now, eighteen months after coming out to her. All seems to be smooth and quiet, and if I'm honest, that's comfortable; not scary in the being-in-the-street-way. But. If I'm truly happy with the situation, I ask myself why did I feel the need to go and tell her in the first place?
Because, I guess, I am gay. Probably not bisexual, which is where she and I finished this conversation.
So: married for nearly three decades; thoughts torn between a man and my wife. No actual man in the frame, so I stay where I am.
Of course, the dam maybe silently creaking on her side, and it'll burst one day, and I'll have to go.
A tiny part of me wants that to happen. It would force me to do something about this.
On the other hand, I don't have to do that.
Marriage. Constant concessions. The other side of the fence really doesn't necessarily have greener grass.
I need to talk to a few more guys who have experienced the separation from their wives.
Is there a forum here?

 

@Maldoone, I'd suggest you start a new thread with a title that would draw the right guys in. "LGBT Later in Life" seems like the right forum. There are definitely lots of men who could chime in. I'll be watching, but I'm still on the other side, not yet clear enough or bold enough to start the conversation with my wife.

Good luck, man!

 

I keep thinking about the movie, "Matrix". Do you want to take the blue pill and live a comfortable life that's an illusion? Or take the red pill and see what's real?

People who are fully out are often really positive about living a life of authenticity. I'd prefer that people around me be "out", whatever that means for them. Still, there's no guarantee that being out will make life easy, or even easier.

So, red pill or blue pill?

 

I have been off here for quite a long time . In my view I would only offer the thought that open and honest communication is the key to any succesful Mixed Orientation marriage to make it that is most important component . Again this is solely my view based on my extensive reading and actually living in a MOM marriage as we speak .

 

@BiBarefeet, my situation is SO much like yours, only neither my wife nor I ever cheated, and I'm further down the road than you. My wife has a lot of pent-up anger, and when she get's frustrated, say, with one of the kids, she cuts loose on me. And, over the years she's quit taking care of herself, and I'm not sexually attracted to her. We haven't talked about my same-sex attractions for 20 years. Our marriage has been rough but we keep it together because it's tolerable, and to have a stable home for the kids.


I often ask myself whether it's my suppressed sexuality that has lead to the struggling marriage, or if it's the rocky marriage that motivates me to explore my sexuality. But it doesn't really matter because it doesn't change my path forward.


That path forward is to look for the light and joy in life, be true to who and what I am, and be fair, kind and honest with those around me.