Lesbian relationships not for the faint of heart

My advice would be to not leave your marriage for a person. If you do that, then even if you do find a way to be in a relationship with this woman that is placing a massive extra burden on the new relationship from the onset. Gay relationships have even more pressure placed on them than heterosexual ones!!!My experience is that having a gay relationship with a woman with children and myself having children and distance between us has been stressful enough...do not underestimate the feelings that come up when (in my case both) women are coming to terms with the power of their sexuality, whilst at the same time ending their marriages. We are like teenagers and yet we must endeavour to behave as adults. My girlfriend and I are pulled in every direction EVEN without the additional layer of leaving for each other, as we had already decided that our respective marriages were over before we met online. Both of us were lonely and craving connection that we have indeed found in each ohers' arms. But the road is hard to navigate and extremely rocky - and - whilst there is joy in expressing our true sexuality with each other - there is also immense stress and pain. Every time we part it hurts terribly. But I cannot just jack in my life to be with her as I have a responsibility to my children to make sure they have as much contact as possible with their Dad moving forward. I can only give her so much as I have to fulfill my parental duties. Also consider who will support you emtionally if you choose to leave your marriage? My girlfriend's parents were upset when here marriage ended and extremely stressed by her coming out to her children, but they and her siblings live close to her and have now rallied behind her. They have met me and treated me with warmth. However, my news has been met with bitter criticism by my parents, especially my Dad, who don't want to talk about it any further and (already remote grandparents) have become even more absent in my life. They do not want to acknowledge that I am having a new relationship. I have heterosexual friends who have been kind but ultimately I feel pretty isolated in this path.

 

It sounds like you already know what you want and need to do, but you are torn about causing hurt to your family. I think your marriage, though you say it is happy enough, is not fulfilling you in the way you need to be fulfilled, and even if this woman had not entered your life you would still not have been 100% happy. I am not sure either by what you've written if your husband understands the depths of your feelings for her, hence his desire to brush it all under the rug. I think you need to tell him that no matter how much you love and respect him as a friend, you are not in love with him any longer, and that you are with this woman. He needs to fully understand that this is not an infatuation or a crush, and it won't go away. Denying it is not going to solve your marriage problems, even though it may seem easier in the long run. Your children also need to know their mother is happy. I know if I knew my mother had stayed married for me as a child, despite being unhappy, I would have felt a lot of guilt later if I found out. How old are your kids? How they would take this or understand it depends a lot on that. If they are old enough, it may be necessary to explain to them similar to how you tell your husband, that the reason you need to separate is not because you don't love or care about them, but that you need to be happy too and you are unhappy in the current situation. Do your husband and children know your friend? If not I think you should make a point of introducing her. Is your friend interested at all in being, along with you, still involved in your families' life? Because I think if you could all develop at least a conciliatory and cordial relationship it will make all of this much better for everyone. Since she is asking you to leave them to be with her I think she owes you this. She has children of her own you said so I am sure she understands. She may still even be in contact with the children's parent, and if so, all the more reason for her to be accepting of you continuing to be friends with your husband. I think she is going to have to relax expectations, if she wants you to be able to move into a relationship together without it turning into something traumatic for your family. There is a way to do this in a gentle transitional way, but it will also require compromise on her part, not just from you.

 

I think this is the answer you are looking for.

 

I see. But in order to be with her, which you want to, you would have to leave. So she still is asking you to do something that is difficult for you and she needs to be sensitive to that. I do think you should maybe try to get your husband and her to become more friendly with each other. Especially since they are both important to you. I hope they can maybe come together for your sake at least. In the end, you should do what makes you happy. I am sure whatever you decide will be the right choice for you. Though I realize how difficult an ordeal this has been, I hope you find the happiness you so obviously deserve.

 

I am responding to this post as a daughter who lived through her mother ending her marriage because she realized she was gay.

I was 22, my brother 18 when my mom sat us down on Thanksgiving (I had just moved to another state a month earlier, and this was the first time I was back home) and said that her and my father were getting a divorce. I sat there, stunned...WHAT? Then my mom started sobbing and saying that she was gay, and that is why they were getting a divorce.

To say that it was a shock is an understatement. I spent the next year or two convinced my entire life was a lie. My mom kept saying that dad was her best friend and she loved him, just not in the way he needs. I understand it now as a very confused person regarding her sexuality, but I didn't understand as well then. All I saw was my dad's anger, for years. He is a sweet man, and never EVER spoke negatively of her, but I could feel the anger, you know?

Now (many years later), I think he isn't angry anymore. I still feel sad for him because I think he got the raw end of the deal. I get why it took my mom so long to realize she was gay. She had me when she was barely 18, and spent the next 22 years of her life raising two children.

Sorry, I didn't mean to rant on my own past. My point being, is that staying together for hte kids isn't always the best option. I am not sure how I would feel if my parents divorced when I was still a child, so I can't speak to that--but I do wish for both of my parents' sake that it had been figured out earlier.