You know you're trans when...

When you go to fill out a form and pause every time you have to indicate your gender because you just don't remember what you're supposed to put down.

 

When you're scrolling through FTM websites at 4am wondering why dicks are so expensive.

 

when you go to places like an art opening and people ask your name and you respond with your real name not your birth name. and don't think about it till someone looks surprised. and you just let it go...

 

When deleting embarrassing pics of teenager years from social accounts is... particularly embarrassing.

 

You should be sleeping but you're up at 3am looking at what dick to buy on the internet.

 

You start practicing choreography at home in private, stop to pack when no one's around, then come back and dance more happily and with more energy, but get super disheartened after seeing your chest in the mirror.

And then still tell yourself you're not trans.

 

You laugh when you see a sign for STP Oil Company

 

-you have to shower in the dark bc well... dysphoria

-you’re an extrovert but you barely talk because you hate your voice

-you would give endless amounts of money to be even an inch taller

 

You're at the airport at one of those body scanners you have to stand in. You're waiting for the security women to pat you down because the scanner bleeped, but she just stands by waiting. Finally, the man from security arrives, starts to pat you down and then stops embaressedly when he realizes the alarm was because you've got a female chest and they put your sex as male in the scanner menu.

And you get extremely happy because of that and because people can't decide whether to call you sir or ma'm.

 

when you pass enough that people assume you're cis, then people precede to make jokes about trans people all the while having no clue one of them is in their midst

 

When - at some point of the conversation - cis friends start saying "oh I'm happy to have a vagina", "I'm happy, too, to have a penis" and it's a big bitter pill to swallow that tastes like death and gets stuck in the throat.

 

When getting your first packer means:
-spending inordinate amounts of time when no one's looking with your hand down your pants - ehem - adjusting things
-realizing how weirdly good it feels to have a dick?
-mathematically calculating the best size to get, which wouldn't be too small or too big but just right according to the average natal male
-critically looking at your own bulge
-striking this pose...

Spoiler

-and inevitably realizing the embarrassment of dropping your dick in front of people, or having it slowly descend down your leg whilst in public
-hoping people don't notice your bulge, yet also hoping they do?

 

>> When your birthname pops up in sites and apps where theorically you changed it, and you fumble and fight with account details, until you understand that no matter what, they're connected to your google account, which is connected to your physical address, which is connected to your bureaucratic persona, who has your birthname and is not you.

>> When your (broken) gaydar catches something about someone you like but - not having transitioned physically - you don't know if their eventual gayness is good or bad for you.

 

When you just learned painfully that the so called „social state“ only exists on paper in germany, because insurance is not gonna pay. So you wonder how to best get the money and after thinking about being a callboy, a deceiver or other criminal or being one of the first humans to test a new drug you decide to sell your body to science, since it hurts the CV the least.

 

When you're happy to see a gender non conforming child or teenager, even if they're likely cis, and think: "Yes! Follow the path of freedom *fantasized high five*"

 

When your voice has dropped since starting T, that people are thoroughly confused when you have to give your legal name. Particularly on phone calls.

 

When you are literally eating but you're planning out the next time / thing you can eat. #Me with my oatmeal thinking about buying a milkshake and veggie burger as soon as I'm done eating...

 

I'm already like this before being on T, I can't imagine what's gonna happen after... XD

 

...that new binder struggle

 

When every time you get an assignment from the teacher and you put your real name rather than your birth name down and keep it there until you have to turn it in.