Letting go and moving on

First of all, let me just clear one thing. I am disastrously bad at letting go and moving on. From things, memories, or people. -.-''


I thought I moved on from my last ex. We dated for about a year and a half and have been apart for a half a year now. I did the 30 days no-contact to get myself together after she broke up with me. She said she wanted us to be friends, although I don't know why if by her words 'we had nothing in common'. I told her I needed some time but she was welcome to contact me later. I would not be making the first move after feeling so rejected. And I did not. She kept her contact up by making two purchases of some handmade gifts I make and sell. And requested she picks them up personally. So we saw each other then. But she got upset I didn't have time for more chatting. I was under the impression that if she wanted to have coffee she would invite me for coffee, not throw a bone and hope I make all the other moves. We went to coffee once after that and it was ok. I made the move of course.
But our contact is now zero for the last 4 months. And I was ok with that ...

But I still can't get her out of my mind. I know I shouldn't want her back but I miss her still like it was yesterday. It was not a perfect relationship but it was a good one up until the last two or three months.

Now, before you say, stop being a proud bitch and call her, let me explain the last few months of our relathinship.

I knew from the beginning that she smoked weed, but she kinda kept the frequency hidden. And when I found out I was not ok with her getting high every day. And the promises that she will make it less frequent kept unfulfilled. She started drinking more in the last two months of our relationship. After a trip with her friends to a music festival (where they were drunk and high all the time) she came home confused if she still wants to be with me. But also saying she doesn't want to lose me. I tried to be patient. I tried to be more relaxed and not let stress ower my job take me over. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and told her I want to be with her and I couldn't end it. If she wants to end it, she should end it now. This was two weeks after a man attacked me and tried to rape me. I fought him off but was very distressed and in shock. And when I'm processing things I don't show it. I have all my defences up. She did end it that time. And went on another short drinking holiday with her friends later that evening.


Am I an idiot to want her back? I know I am. I just have to hear it from someone else. I feel ashamed talking to my friends about this. They think she isn't worth my time.


Thank you for reading all that... I didn't realize I had so much to write. HUG to all of you!

 

Thank you for sharing your story!
I guess it really is ok to miss someone and not feel like you have the wrong feelings.