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Asexual?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Cleo mc, Mar 3, 2018.

  1. Cleo mc

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    I recently turned 15 and I just realized (I know, took awhile) that I might be asexual. I’ve been reading a lot about it because I don’t want to say I am and then be wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sexual attraction but my problem is I don’t know what it is. Maybe I’ve felt and don’t know. I’m cisgender female and I’m straight (probably) and I think it’s unfair for me to claim to be part of the LGBTQ+ community if I’m not.

    I like guys and I know when they’re attractive but I’ve never really been ‘turned on’. I don’t feel anything when I imagine having sex or doing something but I’m worried this could just be age. Could I grow into it? I got my period 4 years ago so I would’ve thought I’m a good way into puberty. I’ve always wanted a boyfriend but I’m realizing that it’s just for the emotional connection. I’ve thought of kissing and making out but all I can think of is how awkward it would be. I feel kind of ashamed because I’ve never even kissed a guy but I’m thinking now that is only because of pressures of society.

    Everyone around me seems to be talking about sex all the time and I joke with them too and no one has ever questioned me. They just think it hasn’t happened yet. I go to an all girl school and half my friends aren’t straight so I’m not too worried about coming out. But I just don’t want to be wrong. They might say I’m only saying this to get attention and I’m worried that I am.

    Can someone please explain or tell me how I would know if I’m really asexual?
     
  2. Chip

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    It is very highly likely that you're simply an ordinary person with ordinary sexual urges for your age. Unfortunately, a loud but very small minority of people have managed to spread the false narrative that asexuality is far more common (and is defined as something much wider) than it actually is. While it absolutely exists and is well documented, it is also rare (less than 1% of the population) and, if we're using the widely accepted definition, is a complete absence of any sexual attraction or desire whatsoever. So from what you're describing, you don't sound like you fit the description.

    Most likely what you're experiencing is simply a function of age and hormonal development. In any case, no one competent would assess you as being asexual at your age, simply because of the variance in hormonal development. The awkwardness you imagine is also very, very common among most if not all teens, and the same with the fears. People your age will talk and brag about a whole lot of stuff, and most of it is baloney.

    Honestly, normal sexual arousal and attraction is on a spectrum, and you're on that spectrum, from what you describe, likely just currently toward the lower end of it. My guess is that will change with time. I wouldn't worry about it, and I certainly wouldn't label myself asexual (nor any of the even less recognized, science-free labels propagated by some groups) if I were in your situation.
     
    #2 Chip, Mar 3, 2018
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  3. Cleo mc

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    I never said I thought this was common or anything. I agree with you to an extent although I guess it doesn’t matter because I was never going to identify with it outwardly. I’m confused because you said I can’t identify as asexual because I don’t match the description but then you described it as something I identify with. Maybe I didn’t make it clear the first time that I really don’t think I’ve ever felt sexual attraction and you said that’s what asexual is. I also get the age thing except I’m going through puberty, not just starting. It doesn’t seem right that I feel NOTHING.
     
  4. Chip

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    What you described initially I did not read as a complete absence of sexual attraction. You like guys and want a boyfriend. Someone asexual (using the widely-used definition) would not have those experiences. That's why, from what you described, you don't meet the criteria.

    Additionally, at your age, even though you may be 4 years into puberty, it is actually quite likely you simply haven't reached the stage where strong sexual attraction kicks in. For some people, that can actually be into their 20s.

    Finally, a significantly lowered level of sexual arousal/attraction is strongly associated with anxiety, depression, childhood trauma, and other factors. If any of those factors apply to you, it is highly likely those are contributing to what you are experiencing.
     
  5. Cleo mc

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    Yes I’ve wanted a boyfriend because everyone says how awesome it is to have a boyfriend. Who wouldn’t want some unconditional love. I don’t have very many friends so that idea is pretty fucking awesome. I like guys cause they’re cool and way less annoying then girls but mostly because being straight is the default and I’m not attracted to girls. I don’t think I’m depressed or have anxiety. If anything I’ve always been told I have a huge lack of empathy or sympathy for people. Maybe that’s completely separate and I’m just a horrible person. I do think there’s a large probably that it’s age but this doesn’t feel like it’s going away.
     
  6. Chip

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    For many people, this can be a learned trait, and in some cases, our families of origin may have, for whatever reason, not helped us develop those skills.

    But here's something interesting: Empathy requires vulnerability (and, conversely, vulnerability pretty much guarantees empathy). And vulnerability is necessary in order to feel deep, emotionally connected love. So if you are having difficulties with empathy, it makes complete sense that you would have difficulty feeling sexual attraction... which, in this case, is a byproduct of a learned behavioral trait, not a hardwired sexual orientation.

    So I think that may be the key as to why you are feeling the way you do.

    If you're interested in exploring the empathy/vulnerability piece more, I highly recommend checking out Brené Brown's amazing TED talks
    "The Power of Vulnerability", "The Price of Invulnerability" and "Listening to Shame". It will take about an hour to watch all three, but I think you might find it will have a pretty profound impact on you.
     
  7. Cleo mc

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    Thanks, very helpful. Although this kinda makes me feel worse because it turns out I’m just horrible person but still good to know I guess.
     
  8. Chip

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    Well, I understand how you feel... and at the same time, it absoutely shouldn't. Remember that we are a byproduct of our experiences. And one thing I forgot to say above is "A learned behavioral trait means we can change it. The reason Dr. Brown researches this topic is because the issue is so pervasive. I think if you watch the videos you'll understand a lot better how we come to be that way, and how we begin to make changes.

    The lucky thing for you is people pointed it out early. IT's much easier to change in your teens than later in life.
     
    #8 Chip, Mar 4, 2018
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  9. AmyMouse

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    Don't categorize yourself as a horrible person. Who has told you that you lack empathy and sympathy? Has this "criticism" come from reliable sources in your life? Do you, yourself, feel a lack of empathy for others? Or sympathy? Talking through some of this with a therapist (if that's an option) may be beneficial as well.

    I think you said something pretty powerful right here: "I feel kind of ashamed because I’ve never even kissed a guy but I’m thinking now that is only because of pressures of society." The pressures of society (and on women in particular) can really take a toll during your teen years. Try to not feel ashamed because you haven't kissed anyone yet. There's absolutely nothing wrong with not having kissed anyone yet. Also, you make the decision to have (or not have) sex on your terms. Again, I know the societal pressures are there, but you have to stay authentic to yourself and navigate your own feelings at your own pace. You may consider a therapist just for some outside perspective on the sympathy, empathy and sexuality pieces. It's always helpful to talk things out. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Cleo mc

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    No you guys got it wrong. I’m not angry about this. I’m probably just a little apathetic but there’s no root problem. I don’t have depression or anything. I’ve always been very honest with others and myself. My family is awesome and I’ve mostly had friends. I don’t have any childhood trauma so I don’t think this is really a problem that’s caused by anything or can be fixed. As I said I think I’m actually just a horrible person.
     
  11. silverhalo

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    I think it's very unlikely that you are a horrible person. What things about you make you come to this conclusion?
     
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  12. Chip

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    That's absolutely a misperception. And Gabor Maté MD, a brilliant physician/therapist, does professional trainings (I've seen him work) where he asks anyone who thinks they had a perfect upbringing to raise their hand... and within 5 minutes, he drills right down to whatever childhood issues there are (and there are *always* some) to bring awareness to the person.

    The point being... none of us had perfect upbringings, and who we are is a byproduct of our parents and the environment in which we were raised. At 15, your mind and personality is quite moldable, so it's simply not true that you're a horrible person. What is true is that you may need help in understanding the issues that stand in the way, and that's something you do with a therapist. So I'd talk to your parents about getting into therapy so you can explore what's going on for you.
     
  13. Cleo mc

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    Now you REALLY don’t understand. This was probably all blown of proportion. I am extremely antisocial and socially stupid and I am so uncomfortable around people when they’re really sad because I usually think it’s for a stupid reason. That’s one of things I just suck at. Empathy is hard. Sometimes I too honest because I don’t realize people will be hurt by what I’m saying. I say I’m a horrible person because I say and do stuff that most people don’t because I’m too socially stupid to realize I shouldn’t.

    My family is actually awesome. My parents are really supportive and have always pushed me to work hard but also let me do what I want. They’ve sent me to great schools and let me play a lot of sports and even drive me around at 5 I’m the morning every weekday. This is not a childhood issue. Yes they’re hard but they need to be. I’m an honours student and a competitive hockey player and rower and that’s because of them.

    I don’t need a therapist because honestly I don’t know what I’d tell them. I’m an open book. I tell everyone everything because I hate secrets. There’s nothing my friends don’t know except that I’m on this site.

    Also I don’t have time for a therapist. This is my therapy. Although none of those videos helped. They said I had to be vulnerable and have shame or whatever but they didn’t say HOW.
     
  14. Chip

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    OK, not to beat a dead horse here but... first you say

    ... which is exactly what people go to therapy for.

    And then you say
    ... which is ridiculous. You don't not go to therapy because you don't know what to say. No one knows what to say when they start. It's actually really simple. You tell him or her exactly what you said above, s/he starts a conversation, and begins to provide you with insight that will help you overcome those issues, which, in turn, will help develop the empathy that leads to vulnerability that leads to feeling emotions, that leads to a relationship.

    You don't develop empathy and vulnerability from watching videos. I gave those as suggestions to help you understand the issue. Once you understand the issue... therapy is how you get help for it. (EC or other online communities are not a substitute for therapy.)

    And
    is the biggest pile of crap I've ever heard. I guarantee that your week isn't so full you can't find an hour to go talk to a professional who can solve your problems.

    What you really mean is, "It isn't important to me and I don't care enough about it to want to change."

    Which is absolutely your choice. But if that's the case... why ask the original question if you don't want help? Clearly you aren't happy.
     
  15. Cleo mc

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    What makes me unhappy is being weird. And I’m weird because I’m me. That’s never going to change.

    I’m glad you felt the need to tell me what I have time for and what I care about.

    You’re sorta right but no way do I want to go up to my parents and say “I need a therapist” because they’ll ask why and ill have to tell them some random guy on the internet told me to. That’s rediculous.
     
  16. Flynn S

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    When was being weird ever a bad thing? Being weird means you're unique and interesting. These are very good traits, and they are inherent in everyone, despite the common belief in 'normality'. There are even college admission essays on this topic. And if that doesn't satisfy you, consider the meaning of "weird," what does it mean? It means not being normal, right? So what is "normal?" That, of course, depends on the situation and society you live in. It is always changing. Thus, we can safely say, there is no such thing as "normal," and if that is true, then there is, also, no such thing as "weird" either.

    Yeah, and I'm never going to get that driver-less car I want. You can say its impossible, but it can happen.
    Being unhappy with who you are is a mindset you most certainly can change, and therapy can help you through this.

    Sometimes people need a little nudge in the right direction. We often find ourselves in a sort of tunnel vision. We think we know what's right for ourselves and when someone points something out to us that doesn't align with our constructed narrative, we think they're wrong. Maybe this is a bigger issue than you thought. Consider, if you cannot fit therapy into your schedule, that you move your schedule around a bit. These issues seem to be bothering you to the extent that you will most likely benefit from trying to get them resolved (you did post here for help after all), even if that means removing something else from your schedule.

    That is ridiculous. If you do go to your parents and ask for a therapist, that is your own action and therefore the reasoning behind it would be that you want a therapist, not that "some random guy on the internet told [you] to [get a therapist]." Such a reason makes all the more sense if you "sorta" agree with it in the first place. But it is up to you. Don't just do something because we tell you to, do something because you think it is right for you. Remember, these comments only stand as advice and suggestions.
     
  17. Cleo mc

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    I like the way you phrased everything. I’m having a hard time disagree with you. A very hard time...

    On a side note I’m very interested in self driving car technologies and they’re thought to be on the road within 5 years.

    Anyway I say ‘weird’ but that’s not really what I mean. I suck at sarcasm which a language everyone but me speaks. I accidentally say thing where I’m accidentally calling one of my friends fat or stupid. I’m not trying to brag but I am smart and it sucks because I have a low tolerance for people not as smart as me. I also can’t sympathize with people. Or empathize because I find it apsolutely stupid and time consuming for people to be sad. That’s what makes me ‘weird’. The only reason I have ‘friends’ is because they laugh at me and I laugh with them. The thing you said about weird not being thing is exactly what I say but you can understand that this generally sucks for me. I can’t have normal interactions with people.

    Last thing, Can I get an online therapist or a therapist without my parents knowing? Is that a thing because even I want to, I don’t think I would get one unless my parents didn’t know.
     
  18. Chip

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    The parental thing is tough. You may have options in Canada that we don't have here in the US. There's a couple of large LGBT centers in Toronto that I think provide free counseling, and may not require parental consent. This would probably be the best option.
     
  19. Cleo mc

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    Except I’m not LGTB+. I’m just confused and apathetic.
     
  20. Flynn S

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    Oh boy, right in time to start paying off my student loans!

    I believe there is a term in psychology for this (those who know more than me, please do correct me if I'm wrong), which I think is egocentrism - when the self is regarded as the center of all things. Just because we experience emotions a certain way, or think a particular subject is easy, it is not always the case for other people.

    I have heard of online therapists, but I know nothing of them and cannot say whether or not they are a legitimate or safe thing. Is your issue that you do not want your parents to know you are seeing a therapist, that they will stop you from seeing one, or that you just don't want them to know what you discuss in therapy? If it is the last one, most therapists do operate under confidentiality. They will not report on what you discuss as long as it is not dangerous (i.e. you point to harm of yourself or others).