Hi, I’m new to this site so I’m taking a shot in the dark with this. I hope it will be helpful. So, I’m a thirteen year old boy. I’ve come out to few people as bisexual, but I’m questioning if I might be a heteromantic homosexual (if that’s a thing). I’ve had very romantic and sexual attractions towards boys. -you can see from my name- Though, I’ve only had romantic attractions towards women, not much at that. I’m just confused and hoping for some advice from this thread. Thanks for any responses in advance, have a great day!
There is definitely a difference between romantic and sexual attraction, and it's normal to feel like that. For example, someone could be physically and romantically attracted to boys, but only physically attracted to girls.
So would you say that I would just be on the more gay side of the bisexual spectrum? Or is there a more detailed orientation to this? Me and my friend are dealing with the same question. I would definitely want to have sex with a guy, and go into more of a relationship. But with a girl I just have no sexual attraction whatsoever, but I’d love to be a couple and just cuddle together.
Yeah, you could definitely say that. If you really wanted to get specific, you might say you're biromantic homosexual. I wouldn't worry about it too much, you can come out to some people as bi or gay, whatever you prefer.
Sometimes it's a matter of not finding people that are right for you, as well! Any time of defining your sexuality/gender takes time and exploration. Worry about how you feel now, and about labels later if that helps. I know that when you first start to question you feel very pushed to figure out who you are as soon as possible, but it's all about figuring out who you are. You can identify with whatever you think is closest, and don't feel afraid to change it later on if you discover otherwise. Best of luck.
Absolutely nothing in the credible scientific literature, or the experience of credible therapists or professionals working in the field support the idea that romantic and sexual orientation can be separated. It is a huge disservice to people to make this representation. OP: Generally, when people describe feeling a connection with someone, but no desire to have sex with them, what they're really talking about is a phrase we've had for decades: emotionally intimate friendship. These are people you feel a close bond with, but have no desire to have sex with. Many, many gay men have female BFFs. They aren't "heteroromantic homosexuals"; they're gay men (homosexuals) lucky enough to have wonderful friendships with women. To answer your question... this is something you'll have to figure out for yourself, but I concur that you sound closer to the gay end of the spectrum than bisexual.
I disagree. Romantic and sexual orientation are separate entities for many people, especially asexuals. Please don't try to explain to people that their romantic feelings are just "emotionally intimate friendships", gay people get that kind of thinking enough from straight people.
Asexuals, if we are using the widely accepted definition, cannot have romantic orientations, as, by definition, they are asexual. The "a" in latin means "without." Now... there are a bunch of loud but evidence-free folks promoting alternative, science- and research-free definitions of asexuality, but these aren't widely accepted definitions. And I reiterate that nobody credible recognizes any separation between romantic and sexual orientation. FInally, where there is a definition of "romantic" that includes sexual attraction, that definition isn't applicable here, as when people refer to the (nonexistent) separation between romantic and sexual orientation, the difference between the two is defined by these folks as "someone I really like and feel a deep connection to, but have zero interest in having sex with" which, pretty clearly, is the same as emotionally intimate friendship.
Chip, what about the reverse? What if I can date, love, and sleep with one gender, but I'm only interested in sleeping with another, with no interest in romance or as you call "emotionally intimate friendship".
It depends on a variety of factors, but most likely that would be bisexuality, most likely with some level of psychological discomfort that's getting in the way of authentic connection with the gender you only want sex with.
Hi! I'm 13 too! To be honest, your situation sort of sounds a little like mine (except I'm a girl and I'm sexually attracted to both boys and girls) When I first started questioning, I found Empty Closets and it really has helped a bunch. I hope I can help you as well. First off, no one on here can tell you what or who you are. That is for you to find out on your own. However, we can try our best to help you figure this out. It's most definitely frustrating that no one can tell us exactly what we are but we don't need another person telling us what to be, do we? But if you're wondering, you do seem to be leaning more towards being gay. Second, have you heard of the Kinsey Scale? Basically, it's a scale running from 0-6. 0 means you're pretty much 100% straight, 6 means you're pretty much 100% gay. I, for example, am a 2.5. I like both guys and girls but I'm slightly more attracted to guys. Third, it's definitely possible that you're a heteroromantic homosexual. But that pretty much means you are sexually attracted to guys and romantically attracted to girls. When I first joined EC, and I was asking a similar question, I was told to imagine being with a girl. Holding hands in public, dating, kissing etc. Then I would think how that made me feel and do the same for a guy. Lastly, we are also still very young and sexuality is fluid so in 20 years you may feel completely different. You never know! I really hope this helps! If you ever want to talk or need anything, you can post on my wall and I'll write back asap. Good luck!
Just to avoid confusing people... there's zero credible evidence for the idea that romantic and sexual orientation are separate, and very few credible researchers or clinical professionals give any credence to that idea. So the idea of being "heteroromantic homosexual" generally just confuses people more than it helps. What we typically do see is that people that label themselves that way are still in the process of accepting their identity, and the "romantic" identity is really just another word for "emotionally intimate friendship" which, of course, has nothing to do with sexual orientation... many gay men have female BFFs, for example, and these aren't "romantic attractions", they are friendships. Additionally, there's also little evidence that sexual orientation is fluid during younger years. What is true is that sometimes, due to denial processes and unconscious fears, we may not be aware of what our true orientation is... but the orientation itself generally does not change. If you're straight, you're straight... if you're bi you're bi... and if you're gay you're gay. That said, probably a majority of people are on the spectrum rather than at the far end on one side or the other. It's important that accurate information be conveyed here, and focusing on factual, evidence-based materials when providing information to people seeking to understand themselves is always the best choice.
