I've spent a lot of time, reading and reflecting on loneliness lately and at the same time have been getting angry about the social awkwardness of this time of year. When so many people are in desperate need of better relationships, why do we waste so many opportunities on 'small talk'? Considering how many people this affects I thought this could be a good place to start a change. So instead of making the same old conversation (usually a load of generic closed questions), we all try saying something new. My example; "how was your year?" -improved to- "what was your best day in 2017?" -improved to- "tell me about the happiest moment in your 2017" or "can you remember the most emotional moment of your year?" So I thought we could all post some new improved 'small talk', and any that you like, save on your phone etc. for when you need a boost with starting better quality conversations (and friendships!)
I used to be the kind of person that could ramble about whatever no problem, but now it's just so dead-endy. Just don't give closed questions, questions that can be answered with a yes/no/good. Or if you do, immediately follow it up with a more open question. What was your favourite moment from 2017? What are your plans for 2018?
"How about that weather we're having"? changed to "How about the increasing amount of wildfires prevalent in this part of the country that sully our air around this time of year? Do you see this as a phenomenon that will only get worse in the coming years? What happens when all our forests have burnt to a crisp?"
I guess I’m the opposite of most people because I prefer small talk...if someone asked me a deeper question, I would probably be very uncomfortable with responding. I’ve never really understood why people get upset about small talk though, but I’m not very good with certain social situations, so usually I learn by mimicking others. So if people are using “small talk” I might not even notice, but I might just follow along to reciprocate social norms. I guess it would be different if I’m trying to get to know a person on a deeper level, but if some random person started asking me deep questions, I would be really put off lol. Can I ask...what counts as “small talk”?
I kind of see what you're saying about, like if you're in an elevator with a stranger and he starts with "crazy weather, huh?", I'm ok with that, but if he were to ask something super deep, I would pretend I hit the wrong button and press for a sooner floor lol. But I do get what the OP is saying, and I agree. I think as a whole, in order for this to work, everyone would have to change their perception of small talk and realize it's very superficial and off-putting even. I only really use small talk almost as a weapon lol, if someone's creeping me out or showing inappropriate interest and I can't walk away (a male nurse or something), I only give one worded answers or stick to the topic or maybe just talk about thr weather. When it's someone I don't mind talking to or connecting to me or someone I might be interested in, I would like to talk on a not-so-superficial level and take it as a sign if all they are saying is small talk after some time.
Oh, and smsll talk is basically just "crazy weather huh?", "how's your day(and not really caring about the answer)?", etc. Something you just ask anyone universally that's not deep and you don't really want any details, you just say it because it's just polite to say something. Like when I was going through a rough time once and was asked "How are things?", they don't want to hear "My dog died, my grandma died, I'm really depressed and in mourning, I hate getting out of bed every day, I have to push myself to brush my teeth, life sucks right now, and you?" They just want to hear "Good, and you?" Anything in the realm of just superficial conversation or short broad questions with just vague answers.
I think on a smaller scale, an example being "How's your day going?" Improved (slightly) "Anything interesting happen today?" It's very subtle, but it delves a bit more deeply than the first one, I feel.
I don't think small talk is inherently bad, although it can get annoying. Often, it's usually a good thing to use when you first meet someone in order to get to know them at a leisurely pace, and when you finally find something more interesting to talk about- that's when the conversation starts flowing more naturally. I prefer this slow build up rather than have a stranger ask me deep questions, that's happened before and it was really awkward because I didn't feel comfortable talking to someone I barely knew about such topics.
I'm a fan of small talk and frankly I think I'm pretty good at getting people to move on and in to deeper stuff. They always tease me at work about how people are always crying in my office. But it has to start with something innocuous. The trick though, to the extent there is a trick, is to actually listen to what people say. You can't dig for people to tell you what you want to hear--most people will put up their guard really fast when that happens. Frankly most of the suggestions that have been made here would slam up my shields--and I love to talk about myself. Instead I think you have to guide people to what they want to share. And you do that by making basic small talk. The problem is most people assume too quickly that they aren't going to have a real conversation when they make small talk. It's a social nicety that you get out of the way and move on. In my experience it takes people by surprise when you actually listen to what they say and take that as your cue. Once you let them talk about what they want to talk about in my experience most people will talk as long as you let them.
I must be odd because if I talk to someone, it’s usually because I want to. If I’m forced to talk to someone, it’s usually other adults at work that make my conversations feel forced. Otherwise, I generally don’t mind talking about the weather...I do that with family too, especially if the weather makes me feel particularly happy for some reason haha. And usually when I ask how someone is doing, it’s bevause I genuinely care. When someone asks me how I’m doing, even if I’m not doing well, I’ll respond honestly, or maybe I’ll flatly tell them that I’m “fine” or “okay”. But I think I come off as blunt in that way because people don’t expect such honest responses when they’re just expecting me to say, “I’m good, thank you.” I can’t fake it though. And when I can clearly tell that someone is not okay, and they respond by saying they’re good, I get pretty confused and end up feeling like I did something to upset them. If I don’t want to talk to someone, I just avoid the conversation. Headphones are great for that haha. My conversations feel more genuine with my students than with other adults though...I really do want to know how my students are doing, and I’m always checking up on them. Kids and teens are so honest with their expressions and demeanor. But adults generally seem to conceal a lot of emotion, and it makes me avoid some conversations completely, especially if I can’t read the person well. Social norms are an odd thing sometimes lol.
Making small talk more specific is a great way to make conversations better to develop relationships whether platonic or romantic. So I think this is a great topic and discussion! On the other hand, I think small talk has it's place. I use to be bad at small talk and hated it. I felt it was fake and insincere. Now I know how to engage in it and can use it to improve short exchanges I have with others (such as in business). I see it as a way of making a simple exchange a positive highlight in that person's day. Each situation I judge how receptive a person is because some people don't wish to socialize at all. As an introvert I respect this. I am sincere in these exchanges though, and I am the kind of person who will accept a deeper reply. I just know how to minimize my replies appropriate to the situation. If you tell me you had a bad day when I'm selling you something I'll empathize and give well wishes, but not tell you my life story because there's 3 other people waiting to buy something. It's not the time or place. At this current time in my life, I perfer small talk... or maybe I should say "simple talk". I'm in a rough place and I rather talk about something mudane because it's easy, normal, and not too draining. It allows me to feel connected and normal. I rather see pics of your dogs, share food recipes, or talk about migraine remedies. I don't want to talk about my "the happiest moment in 2017" and for the love of everything good not my "most emotional moment of 2017" when every day is a struggle and I feel ashamed of my life. When people ask about my week/weekend I fudge it or give a simple "good" because there wasn't anything good or worth mentioning that doesn't leave me feeling my life is pathetic or empty. I would rather not be asked. Sometimes deeper isn't better. Sometimes simple is good. Again, I think this is a good topic because getting more creative in conversation can improve our exchanges. I just want to express that small talk or more simple talk has it's place and can be a benefit.
Small talk is good. It's the grease in the cogs of interpersonal relationships. You can use it as a way to keep things shallow and leave the conversation politely or as a route to discussing things which interest both of you. Small talk does consist of things like asking what someone's doing in the new year or what's been going on in their life, without the expectation that they tell you about their problems if they don't want to - it's not just dead-end observations about the weather. It feels frankly uncivilised to have someone I barely know ask about the root causes of my emotional state or deliver a depressing lecture on the state of the climate before we've discussed holiday plans. That doesn't make for charming conversation; it's intrusive and very often obnoxious.
I suppose I should have been more clear in the original post that I wasn't talking about the greeting type small talk, that you might have with a customer or bus stop stranger, but the conversations held with friends, family, colleagues etc. The aim would be to build and strengthen relationships, not become some kind of stranger-danger crazy person! ;o) The thread kind of lost its purpose but it's interesting to see people with a preference for uninteresting small talk choosing to share their thoughts and feelings on this topic with a complete stranger. Just an observation. Also interesting that the general feeling expressed is that exceeding small talk would lead to being subjected to a depressing tale of misery. The question could be altered to encourage a lighter toned conversations if preferred but then it borders on going back to small talk. That being said if one of my friends (or anyone else really) wanted to tell me about the saddest part of their year I'd be just as interested as if they told me about the happiest thing that happened. I imagine that if someone asked me the question and I was uncomfortable answering (or just generally not in a good place emotionally) I would just answer with something like "I can't really think of anything right now but tell me about your best moment....". I guess it's most important that the person asking the question would be equally happy with answering it. Ultimately, if people are happy with doing things their own way and happy with the relationships they have then that's what counts but there are a lot of people out there that won't have had one meaning conversation with a real person in the whole year -possibly longer. Maybe if they just had a better idea of how to develop a meaningful conversation or if someone with those skills made the effort to reach out to them, it would be one less lonely person in the world for 2018.
It also probably depends on the country or region you live in. Most people outside of the US seem to wonder why we never shut up or ask questions that we don't actually care what the answer is. Like when the casher asks "how is your day going?" Granted my wife can talk to her mother for hours and neither of them says a damn thing. My mom and I can catch up an entire month in 30 minutes... To be fair my mom and I hate talking on the phone to anyone. But I think small talk is supposed to be just that, small or light topics. It's not supposed to be deep and philosophical.
So much of this goes back to vulnerability and the social contract we have with those who are our friends or acquaintances. I really like the initial suggestions Calf gave... they give the opportunity to self-disclose in a limited way, with a positive spin. The later post about the wildfires by Libertino, not so much, because first, it isn't personal, second, it isn't very positive, and third, it doesn't lend itself to a vulnerable conversation. The catch with any of these is the social contract you have with whomever you're speaking to. If there's an unspoken understanding that you don't get personal, then it can get uncomfortable (as several posters have alluded to) when someone changes the social contract. My approach to that is to directly address the social contract if I want it to change... "Well, I know we haven't typically talked about more personal things, but depending on how you feel, I would be comfortable sharing more about myself and learning more about you. How do you feel about that?" Or... it could be something much simpler and more direct. But the point is, connecting with people meaningfully requires vulnerability, and that's a two way street, so somehow you have to be willing to model your own vulnerability in order to encourage the other person to feel safe opening up. Once you do that, by whatever means, then I think it becomes much easier to move from small talk to deeper and more meaningful conversation, and goodness knows we need as much of that as we can get in the current state of affairs.
