I thought that I was trans for seven years.

Hi all. I have a bit of confusion I feel I feel I need to voice.

I'm male born. From about nine years ago, I started going online as a girl. I made my own personality, made out to be my sister so as to reintroduce myself to some communities while being able to explain having the same last name, and the like. I was about eleven at the time, and had just started up in computer club in school (which is how I'm so sure). Around the same time, I noticed that I was jealous of the bodies of other people, and very upset with how mine was not changing to be that round shape many of my friends had. The most of them were female. They all changed in a way I too wanted to. I was quite disgusted by my own change, and this only worsened over time. By sixth year in school, they brought in sex education. When they explained what would happen to my body, I became very upset. Why couldn't I be like them? I would think.

By seventh year, about seven years ago, I learnt about what transgenderism was. It was actually through a few members of this very forum. It fit so perfectly, and it explained so much. So much so, that I jumped straight onto the moving train and never hopped off. Starting four months ago, not too long after my 20th birthday, I was heading to be receiving one of the best, even though slightly belated, birthday presents ever: hormones! I had been to so many appointments, and it came closer and closer.

But something shook me. Something told me I didn't want them. Told me to stop and actually think for a moment, because I was jumping into something which in all this time I really hadn't stopped and thought about. For the last four months, I've been trying to figure it out. I no longer feel like I want to be a woman. Sans the hair, I quite like how I look. So many times I've looked into the mirror disgusted just to end up saying to myself, wait have you really been upset with how you look? So, I feel like I've been wrong all this time. I've told my psych, a bit concerned by my sudden change of heart, as if perhaps somebody knocked it into me, that I need to really consider, and I haven't seen her since October.

It's a confusing thing, gender, and maybe one day I'll understand, but for now, I'll just be in this state of questioning how I could have been so sure for so long, without once questioning, if there wasn't but an ounce of truth.

You're all lovely. Peace!

 

That's very true, I don't think I really understood what I was feeling at all back then, and yet it put me in this dead-set mindset that was quite hard to escape from. (For one thing, my voice is a couple of octaves deeper, and I went from being a boy-alto to a full bass!)

I appreciate your sensible words, and thank you for giving what I had to say a read.
(That goes for you too, MrLesbian, I see you hiding up there with your like.)

 

Glad to know there are others in the 'surely confused boat'. Hopefully we can all rock it one day and flip everything right-side up, like in At World's End!