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Life journey.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by butterfly1, Nov 6, 2017.

  1. butterfly1

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    Thank you, Hillary. Sometimes I feel like my confidence is getting better. The confidence to let things flow in a "natural way". Not in a forced, "have to over come way". Don't know about tomorrow, it isn't here yet. Just have today.
     
  2. Hillary B

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    That's all any of us have butterfly.
     
  3. Hillary B

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    PS I have reread your whole thread here Butterfly. I relate very much. You are beautifully eloquent and so glad you are full on searching/ me too. I am genderfluid but resist the term somewhat. Only because I want to be hard core female albeit a male version of female [there's a real clue there to how i really feel btw: it's deep / Freudian I guess] like for my counsellor to say to me tomorrow when I see her: "You, darling [she wouldn't say darling lol] are a woman [babe]!" [she definitely wouldn't say babe!]
    A nice fantasy and yet she genuinely says I should get to know the woman in side me / buy her a drink / listen to her.
    The nice thing is she believes in me as a woman ecentre when I don't she's a sweetie [I wouldnt say that to her!]
    The latest thing she said is how do I feel as a woman it stumped me somewhat.
    THERE'S lots more I wanted to feed back to you about what you said ehich is so interesting but it'll have to wait.
    Best Hillary.
     
  4. butterfly1

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    In time, Hillary. When you are ready to share. No hurry.
     
  5. butterfly1

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    One of the things I am dealing with is how to look at and express my feelings. I noticed a couple of years ago this process started when I would be watching a movie or a tv show and the tears would well up. And I thought that this was strange. Yet, I did not stop it. Did not try to hide it. Other times I would let a smile show at something I read or saw.
    I now realize that the process of becoming "me" started before I knew what was happening.
    So, my feelings of who I am (or the type of person I am) is what I am looking at.
    My whole life I have been told that I have been the most stoic person they have ever seen. Hard to "read". It is how much I have been in the "hiding syndrome". That is the kind of prison I constructed. I thought it would be the best for my self preservation, for me to survive in this life.
    I have come to realize I have been so wrong. That is not a life. That is not how a person should live. I have feelings. I can not survive as one who is always stoic. I tried. It takes so much effort to try to hold things down. It is very exhausting. It influences everything in a person's life. I am a human being. That means there is more to "me" than the physical. I am not as a rock (with apologies to Simon and Garfunkel).

    This journey started long before I knew it. I see that now. I know it will not be easy. But I think I am willing to look at what I get joy from (in Japanese culture, the butterfly is a symbol of joy). I think I am willing to look at what brings pain (in other places the butterfly is a symbol of transformation). And, yes, I know I am also capable of running away, to drift back into the "hiding syndrome".
    If I am to look like "me", think about "me", talk as "me", then I guess I should feel as "me".
    "The long and winding road that leads me here...".
     
  6. butterfly1

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    I like it when someone doesn't put me in a "box". It happened today. The feeling was freeing. The conversation was good and not restricting.
    It wasn't a coming out moment for me but it helped my confidence.
     
  7. Hillary B

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    Butterfly I have people I number on one hand. Make that four fingers, who don't box me. It is so liberating to talk to them.
     
  8. butterfly1

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    Hillary- It is a feeling I am not use to. But I think I can get use to it. lol. Today I have to spend time with relatives. A new experience as far as me being "me". Unlike times before. Will see what happens.
     
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  9. Hillary B

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    I hope your relatives visit went well.
     
  10. butterfly1

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    Yesterday I was with relatives for dinner. Things were okay. Not great, but okay. There wasn't any confrontation or any weirdness.
    It was mostly what I was feeling inside of myself. I just have a hard time relating to and fitting in with the guys. I am more comfortable relating to and fitting in with the women. And, later in the evening, I started thinking about this.
    I don't like being macho, or manly, or whatever one wants to call it. I have tried in the past, and it felt very restrictive. It felt like not "me". I have been told by my parents when I was younger "Be a man, get things right."
    Yesterday I realized being manly is just not how I am.

    So, I was talking with a couple of the women yesterday. Just chit-chatting. And I felt so comfortable. There was a feeling of "this is where I am, where I belong". Was that a one time experience? No, I have felt this way before. Or is there something else going on inside of me?
    I have always felt I was and am more towards the feminine "side of the scale". My jewelry is more feminine. I see other women, and think " that would look good on me, or that outfit just doesn't work". I don't objectify women ( the way men do).

    What does all of this mean to me? Not sure. Is it a part of being gender fluid? Does it mean the female is trying to get out? Is there a question of transitioning trying to break through? Or am I just being "me"?

    I said in another entry, here at EC, that I originally had one question. And then, there were more questions. And now there is even more. At the moment (as I am writing here) I don't feel really stressed about all of this. But the wondering about it all is there inside. I may wake up tomorrow and it will all be clear. Or there may be more questions.

    All I know and want is to just be "me", no matter where I am, or who I'm chit-chatting with.
     
  11. butterfly1

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    Had a lot of friends and family over today. Another Thanksgiving dinner this long weekend. It went well. I mostly just watched and listened and dealt with cooking. Did share in the conversations some.
    Anyway, I just felt like (today) to not try so hard at figuring "me" out. Sometimes I try too much in working all of this gender stuff out. I sometimes think too much.
    I wore a mix of male and female clothing and jewelry. It felt good to do so.
    I watched a video on Youtube about a person who identified as gender fluid. It seemed to make sense.

    I think what I need to work on is not questioning so much, not thinking so much. I think I am making all of this way harder than it should be.
    I just need to see the kind of person I am. And let that "shine through". Just let this gender fluid be fluid.

    It is a struggle a lot of times. I know I am repeating these thoughts and feelings. But this is the only place I have to try and express what is going on. There is no other outlet. I wish there was. Trying to find a counselor means making a 4 hour drive (one way). Even though I dress as I do, there is no sense of animosity or weird looks from others. Maybe that is a victory in itself. And maybe I need to take hold of that. Maybe that should be a step towards being comfortable. And finding that happy place inside.

    After all, this a journey in this life.
     
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  12. butterfly1

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    Several years ago when I was crossdressing, my partner found out (by accident). We had discussions about this and went back and forth about this. Things seemed okay for a long time, until about 6-7 weeks ago. One night as we were on the way home from somewhere (can't remember where), in the course of our conversation, the subject came around to how a person dresses. My partner expressed a feeling of not liking the way I would dress (the kind of clothes I'd wear). After some more discussion, I finally said that I have always felt restricted or confined to the ways of other people's definitions of how a person should look. We talked some more, and things seemed okay.
    Since that time, there has not been any opposition or complaints about how I look. I now realize that was a moment of breakthrough.
    I told my partner that a person should be allowed to be themselves. I said that night- "I just want to be me."
    There has been a sense of freedom within my self since that night. Yes, I still struggle with coming to terms with who I am. But when I want to be "me", there is a feeling of less restriction.

    I now feel that I need to get to a point within me that is totally free. A feeling of me being free of old thought processes. Of not feeling like there is two ways to exist. A person should not have to live two lives.
    This is so hard sometimes. And I'm not sure it should be. Sometimes I feel like I am my own worst enemy. Is there something in me that doesn't want to accept any of this? Am I not being true to "me" as much as I think?

    This is a work in progress. I understand that. And because of that understanding, I am able to face the struggles.
     
  13. butterfly1

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    This is a work in progress. Oh, how true that is. It doesn't always feel like progress. Today is one of those days. It seems like I made some steps forward, and then drifted back a couple of steps. I got up this morning just not wanting to deal with the gender identity part of my life. Wanted to go and be somewhere else. Like running away will really change things. Ha! And why do I think the "part of my life"?
    This is something I do with just about everything. There's this part, and that part, and another part. How many parts are there in my life? There is only one me. So, then everything should all be inclusive, right? If I am "me",then there is no separation. there is no "part of my life". Isn't that the way being fluid is? Things don't flow very well in a group of boxes. Everything is separated. And that is not working for me.
    And what is this thing about wanting to run away? Where would I go and "me" wouldn't be there? Where ever I could go it would not change who I am. I've tried.

    How much do I believe in "me"? Do I truly accept "me"? Never mind what others think. What do I think?

    Self acceptance. That is what needs to be dealt with. Yes, it takes time. Could be a short time, could take a long time. Who I am is "me". To fully accept "me" is where the freedom is. To stand in front of the mirror and see what is real.

    And the first step I'll take is by no longer saying "me". That seems to show a separateness in my being, a show of a part. It is me who is me.
     
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  14. Hillary B

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    Butterfly I have enjoyed reading your thoughts. They are enlightening. I'm glad you celebrated Thanksgiving / me too. With our American friends.
    Today I had a good session. No very good with my counsellor. She is a star
    She so affirmed my genderfluidity that afterwards I went to a shop and tried on a skirt. It was such fun. The woman in me is strong. .
     
  15. butterfly1

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    Hillary- Glad you had fun shopping.
    Sometimes I feel like the gender fluidity is like that. Femininity and masculinity flow differently at different times. Guess that is why it is called gender fluid. What make it a struggle is what ever is strongest at a particular time, does a person accept it as it is? And does one say to them selves that it is okay? Because of social construct, the acceptance of one's self in that fluid moment is where the struggle is. At least from my perspective.
    Having fun with what ever clothes a person shops for should be important. : )
     
  16. Hillary B

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    Yes butterfly it is important to have fun. Also as my previous counsellor told me it is ok to be excited.
    And more even than that - I am a woman in that skirt even for two minutes.
    Which is very nice.
    And I know just what you are saying about the fluidity but here's a thing:
    I feel strongly a woman one day. Next day I'm a man.Then back to woman but now's the time to grab the woman in me and feel strong. .
    I learned that certainly from my lovely counsellor. She believes in me and it's real and profound. She says look after the woman me. Buy her a drink get to know her
    lol I like that which brings me back to fun.
    H.
     
  17. butterfly1

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    Hillary- I am learning that what ever the flow is to accept it. Not always easy. Not always sure of who I am. But learning about how to live in the moment. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow isn't here yet. If the femininity is there, that's okay. If the masculinity is there, that's okay. If there is a little of both on a given day, then I try to mix it up (clothing, jewelry, etc.). Sometimes there is indecision or confusion. This is when I stress and struggle. This is when I need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and remind myself that this is part of the process of gender fluid. I don't always do this. Such is the humanness of a person.

    Anyway, when the woman is there- "You go, girl".
    When the guy is there "Hey,dude".
    When both are there "Enjoy, let's all go out".
     
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  18. butterfly1

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    Just something I came across today.

    "The only feelings that do not heal are the ones you hide." Henri Nouwen
     
  19. butterfly1

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    Today was an interesting day. Had it off. So, my partner and I went shopping. My partner needed new shoes. We looked at all kinds and types. Took a couple of hours. Had fun. Then something happened that I wasn't expecting. We were looking at jewelry. Didn't buy any. But after we got in the car, my partner was looking at the rings and bracelets and necklace I had on. We talked about the style I have. And my partner then started to suggest how to best wear what rings with which bracelets. I was so surprised and so happy. Gave them a big kiss.

    It is really nice to have someone who shows support and cares.
     
  20. Hillary B

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    I am glad you had a nice experience Butterfly. I am talking to my counsellor tomorrow. Doubtless we'll cover some good and interesting ground once again.. progress is everything.