So this will basically be me rambling on and on about stuff I don't quite understand yet, which I guess is okay, but it also becomes quite an annoyance (if that's even the word I want to use?) most times. To put this in a condensed form: I have never really identified as female. My reaction or feelings towards being grouped together with the rest of my supposed gender range from indifferent for when I really don't care as long as I get food thanks to angry because I can't relate whatsoever and all female stereotypes etc. rant. This was all alright until puberty of course because isn't that when all people who are uncomfortable with their gender notice hey this isn't right? I never really got the whole freaking out about my period type thing, but moreso my body shape and the fact that I never got an adam's apple, or sharp jawline or wider shoulders or taller or a deeper voice etc. About two years ago, possibly three at this point because my memory sucks, I tried to tell my mom about it because it was keeping me from socializing and getting good grades and participating in activities. She basically was pissed at me, told me I was doing it for attention and made me feel ashamed and stupid. I never brought it up again despite still having those feelings. Said feelings got worse to the point I'd have panic attacks when even considering getting dressed and leaving my house or doing anything that acknowledges my body looked the way it does. Fast foward to present day, my mom and I have become closer in a weird way. After yelling at me for years and telling me it was my fault that I was unhappy or would have panic attacks, she finally acknowledged there are legitimate mental health issues and has taken me to a counselor and I've started meds to help with those issues. However, I've been considering telling my counselor about the other gender related issues I have, mainly since I accidentally told her I was "sort of I guess" comfortable with my gender the last time (good job me). Basically, I don't know whether to tell her because I want to be comfortable with myself and my body and be happy and I have this vision of what I want to look like in mind, but I also don't want to lose my family and friends and be seen as more of a freak than I already am. I'm not the most girly nor am I super masculine. I consider myself neither gender and I've already come to terms with that, but my outer appearance is still too feminine and it hinders me from making friends and joining clubs, etc. All in all, my question is is it worth it to discuss these issues with my counselor and risk her talking to my mom about it when there is a huge possibility of losing everything?
First off, welcome to EC. This is a really good place to talk things out. You said you've come to terms with being neither male nor female and thats great. What is important at this point is to do for yourself what will make you happy in terms of your presentation. So if you feel like your presentation is too feminine, then you can change that. Ideally anything you tell your counselor would be confidential so your mom wouldn't know and I assume you are under 18. But if you feel like coming out to your counselor and subsequently your mom would put you in danger or get you kicked out of your home then I wouldn't come out. So, if you feel like you are safe to come out about your gender then go for it. Just do whatever makes you happy.
A couple of things to consider about coming out to your therapist. First of is your therapist knowledgeable about the transgender life? Is your therapist trans friendly? And I'm no expert by any means, but I believe that anything you talk to your therapist about, stay strictly between you and your therapist, unless they feel you may hurt yourself or others, even if you are a minor. I would double check with your therapist to make sure that is their practice. If it is, and they are indeed trans friendly, and you feel comfortable enough, then maybe begin your dialogue. If you don't feel comfortable, maybe ask your mom to take you to another therapist. *Big Hugs!!!*
That's something I have not really considered. To explain the situation better, I just turned 18 a few months ago so I'm technically an adult however, most of the things I do are funded by my parents in addition to most of my appointments being scheduled by my mom (which is due to my fear of talking of the phone where I have panic attacks every time I try). Either way, they are very much involved in my life. What I'd like is to tell someone who isn't a friend or someone who is actually knowledgeable on those types of subjects. I do not know much as far as if my therapist is trans friendly, but I feel like I need someone to acknowledge that I'm not making these things up or exaggerating something. It's strange enough recently to have someone validate that I actually have mental health problems after being told for years I was faking it for attention. Basically, I feel like I need to do something or I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to deal with everything.
I wish it were that simple. Again to explain things, I am not under 18, but I depend on my parents for financial support and medical related things. I want to talk to my counselor about what my options are or rather just talk to someone who knows about these issues. I am very much unclear as to how my mom would react. I only have her reaction years ago to go on and things have changed drastically in our relationship in just a few short months, leaving me baffled honestly. Simply stated, I want to be comfortable and happy in my body and my feelings on this has not changed over the years, despite times where I tried to fit in more, it only made me more depressed. More than anything, I want my family to still be by my side through this, but I fear if I try to talk to them again, especially before speaking with a therapist or professional of some sort, my family will simply shoot me down again and fail to take me seriously. Therefore, I want to do what makes me happy, but I'm afraid of the consequences. At least my parents have given up the idea of me giving them grandchildren, I won't have to crush those dreams because they quickly went away on their own
Well, here's the thing, I am not a therapist nor do I have any credentials certifying me to validate one's dysphoria. But, as a trans woman, I do get asked "how do you know if you are trans or not?" I usually answer it in a very simplistic (albeit, probably not 100% accurate) way. If you are questioning if you are trans, there is a good chance you are. For the simple reason, that MOST biologically accurate people don't wake up wondering if they are the correct gender. Most people don't even think about their gender. So just the fact that you are VERY MUCH SO questioning your gender, would be indicative that there may be an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. I am super glad to hear that your parents are very involved in your life. As a parent, that makes me VERY happy to hear that. That being said, you are 18, which means that, by law, whether your parents are funding your therapy or not, your therapist and you have what is called Patient / Doctor confidentiality. Meaning your therapist cannot divulge any information to anyone, unless you are going to hurt someone or yourself. So you should feel free to speak freely and honestly to your therapist without worrying about your parents finding out anything said in your session. Now, about a trans friendly therapist. I know the term "trans-friendly" sounds like if the therapist is not "trans-friendly" then they are mean to trans people or against trans people. But that isn't the case at all. My daughter's therapist (she has autism) isn't trans-friendly. We get a long GREAT!! He is a wonderful person. But his field of expertise isn't in gender studies. Nor does he want to be. And that is more than acceptable. But you could see that I wouldn't go to him for my therapy because I know more about gender dysphoria than he does. So he wouldn't be able to help me. If I wanted to go to see him about my depression, yeah. Trans issues? Not so much. So what I recommend is to do a google search, and find a therapist that is "trans-friendly" in your area. You may be shocked to find that your therapist is listed there. Or maybe not. Either way, you should be able to find a trans-friendly therapist near you that also treats depression. That would help if you told you mom that you want to change therapists (just tell her that there is no connection there. Like you don't feel like you can fully communicate to him/her), and all she would need to see is that the therapist you like treats depression. So no red flags. Also, you may want to find a couple that you may be interested in, that is unless you know what health insurance your mom has and that your therapist of choice takes said insurance. OK, speaking of therapists, I have to jump off here because I have an appointment with my therapist LOL. As always, Be strong! Be empowered! and most of all Be well!!! *Big Hugs*
Thank you for the advice. I did a search on "trans-friendly" therapists and actually did find that my therapist does come up, which is good news for me as I don't have to deal with explaining to my mom why I want to see a different therapist. So I'll have to keep that in mind the next time I go in to talk with her. I wouldn't have known otherwise so thank you for that.
