Help me. I'm a Christian girl, and up until just this August I was certain I was exclusively straight. I was only physically and sexually attracted to men, etc. I daresay I'd gotten even straighter at that point. But recently I discovered something that I'd been dreading and suspecting for ages--what I thought--keyword thought was a text relationship between my sister and her friend, who is several years older than her. It turned out to be a false alarm, but I never stopped questioning myself because of it. At first I just thought, oh God no but then I questioned myself. And that was where it all went down. I've always had a tendency to think and assume rather than act and experience. I'm afraid. I want to get this straight: I have nothing against homosexuals, none at all, I don't much care who they love, it's their life and their choice, but I'd really, really, really really rather not be one. I'm terrified because all of these people saying 'You can't control it' and 'There are a lot of LGBT people out there' but I just instinctively feel as though I couldn't live with myself if I were lesbian (Once again, nothing against homosexuals). I've never even considered girls before all this and I still find men attractive and I still think and fantasize about men, more so than women but sometimes I just look at a girl and think, 'She's kind of pretty,' or 'She looks annoying,' but I never thought the former before, it's like I'm somehow inadvertently forcing myself to think that way now that I'm questioning my sexual orientation. I've confided in aforementioned sister several times now but she's just not a very deep person. I just want life to go back to the way it was before. Ignorance is bliss. Never, ever overthink things or pry in other peoples' business. Now I'm afraid every time I like a guy that 'I'm just convincing myself' even though all I've ever fantasized about and imagined was a future with a man, and I'd feel safer and less guilty and just generally happier with a man. I've considered scenarios with a woman in it but it just doesn't feel as right, you feel me? I feel like the furthest I could realistically go is being roommates with a girl, because let's be real: Your mind creates a lot of things you could never dream of doing in real life. But still, I could just be trying to convince myself, and I'm so scared. I always convince myself that I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm convincing myself, and my life right now is all just a huge, confused, jumbled-up mess and I just want to breathe. I want it to go back to normal. I wish I could rewind time. I wish my feelings for boys didn't grow so...unnaturally muted as a result of my cursed curiosity. I just feel so sad and empty and yearning for all my old feelings back when I look at boys and so angry when I look at girls because they're the question that plagues and haunts me 24/7 nowadays but I just can't feel as annoyed towards them anymore and it scares and outrages me. It's as though all of my emotions up and died that day. I can't live this way any longer. I want to stop everything and go back in time where I never made that foolish mistake of trying to confirm my false assumptions. I've prayed ceaselessly for some kind of sign. I don't know if I'm overthinking things or there's a legitimate reason for concern. I'm terrified that the worst case scenario will happen and that I'll never get over this and have a husband and my own children and the happy family I've never stopped dreaming of. Help me. Please. Help.
I'm sorry you're so unhappy. I don't know if I can help you much, or at all, because my own experience is very different from yours. I'd just like to say that this feeling of not having anything against LGBTQ+ people but not wanting to "be one" yourself is very common. It's mostly due to internalised homophobia, I think. So even though you might have nothing at all against gay people you're still terrified of being gay yourself. Here's the thing: questioning your sexuality is completely normal and there's nothing wrong with it, whether you end up realising you're straight or gay or bi or whatever else. If you are bi or a lesbian, that doesn't mean that you can't have that happy life and a happy family of your own. That's something people might tell you but being LGBTQ+ does not mean that you will be unhappy and can't have a family. There are also lots of LGBTQ+ people who are religious and happy with both their religion and their sexuality. I understand that starting to question can be a shock if you only ever thought of yourself as straight. Questioning is not a bad thing, though, no matter the outcome. Could you talk a bit more about why you started questioning? I didn't quite understand it but I realise you're in a kind of thought spiral now, right? For example, are there any girls you've looked at and found cute?
Thank you so much for your support! It made my day !! I don't know about this, it's quite irrational really. I don't like girls any more than before but I've just been 'looking' at them more, like before I never had this 'questioning' second nature, so I was pretty oblivious and didn't sit down and really ask myself, 'What do you feel?', but now every time I look at a girl I'm thinking about and aware of this questioning so I'm just really, really scared, and I can't take my mind off of it. It's always there hovering in my sub-conscious, just haunting me 24/7. You see, I have this instant 'reaction' upon looking at a girl, something along the lines of 'Pshht seriously?' But then there's this reaction that follows in quick succession that is mostly born from fear (I hope, but I don't know. I'm afraid I'm just trying to convince myself, as always) that says, 'What if?' and it's just 'What if?' 'What if?' 'What if?' nonstop until I've quite literally convinced myself there's a possibility that I might not be the straightest person out there. And that's putting it nicely. I positively hate when people say to 'imagine yourself with the same gender' because you can imagine yourself with anybody. At least, I can. As long as it's a human, I can imagine it. I just...the ones with boys feels more 'right'. And I'm generally more ill-at-ease and self-conscious around boys but I find girls easier to hate, unless they're actually being nice people. And lately I just randomly feel this burning desire to just smile around my friends (who are all girls) for no apparent reason and nothing's even funny and I'm not even happy and I don't even want or need to smile and it scares me so much. Like is this nervous/fearful laughter? I like to think that it's just because they're asking questions that make me feel insecure or because they're making extended eye contact, but I don't know. That's just it:My life has just turned into one big 'I don't know'. Heck, I even feel the need to just suddenly smile/laugh around my sister occasionally even though I absolutely despise her and am probably going to end up filing a restraining order against her once I get to college.
Hey there, I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. I kind of get what you experience, but it's opposite for me: I consider myself gay, yet lately I tend to over-analyze nearly every interaction with or a reaction to males in a fear that I mind have some attraction to them, and am going to "turn bi and end up straight" (loool, even though while I find this hilarious because I know for sure that my attraction to female individuals is so certain and strong, my mind still creates problems for that. It does that often). I have a very good imagination, so I can imagine myself with someone with the opposite sex (I can also imagine that I'm a kettle waitinig to be used to boil some water for tea, see what I did there). But as you said, it doesn't feel "right", at least not in a sense of romantic relationship. When I imagine myself with someone with the same sex, everything just clicks, and my mind relaxes. I'm somewhat an anxious person, who tends to mull over various things in my head over and over again; for now the subject is my sexuality. Of course, it's easier said than done, but the only escape from this can be achieved through occupying your mind with something else, something that you find enjoyable. I know for sure that such a state of my mind won't last forever (there are so many things in live to worry about anyway, lol), and I sincerely hope that it's going to be the same for you. Have a good day!
It sounds like you're obsessing over this so much that you can't really come to a conclusion right now. I don't mean that in a criticising way, I know that it's hard for you and that you're not thinking about this just for fun. Is there any possibility that you can just keep assuming that you're straight and maybe "put off" questioning to a later time when you're maybe more comfortable with the idea? Because right now you're so worried and scared that you can't really be sure of anything, at least that's what it sounds like. You can't say you're 100% straight because you're so worried that you're not but you also can't say you're bi (since you seem quite certain about your attraction to guys I'm just gonna use bi as a shortcut label) because you're scared you might be and you don't want to be. Maybe find something else to occupy your mind with, like a hobby or reading a book. And try to realise that not being straight isn't the end of the world. I hope you can relax a bit!
I really cannot thank you enough for your continued support and recommendations ☺! I know that my specific situation is not everyone's idea of a cup of tea (to deal with), so I am truly indebted to you and the efforts of anyone else who happens upon this and offers support. I believe your responses to my posts are the most accurate summaries of my current dilemma that I've received thus far. Don't worry, my anxiety and self-doubt has worn off considerably, albeit not completely. I understand now that it's a long, trying, and tedious process for both ends of the phone call (for you and for me), in order to come to a conclusion and live in contentment and voluntary acceptance with aforementioned conclusion. I think my fear of being or becoming homosexual suffices as an adequate answer, at least for the moment (the last thing I want to do is to give myself or anyone else false hope). A good while before this went down, I had marvellous reign over my pensive and fretful self-inquisition, and was able to effortlessly reassure myself. I suppose it was in a bout of intense, frenzied misgivings that I created this thread, seeking solace? Confirmation? Validation? Perhaps all three. I don't particularly regret it, for it has certainly eased my stress, but what I do regret is whatever agitation or distress I may have caused you (virtually anyone who took the time out of their day to bother with me) by doing so. I'm going to hypothesize that my own doubt stemmed from society's opinions on men, i.e. They have to tower above you, have broad shoulders, be strong, have defined cheekbones, muscle comes above disposition, etc. I mean that's alright, I guess, I've nothing against that. It's merely that I prefer tall but not towering men, not too broad (it makes him look rather bulky), but not too wimpy either. Face matters. So does jawline, but I digress. Also, if he has a cute/cool accent I really dig that too, it's perfectly fine if he simply doesn't have one though. I think it all boils down to his personality (and his loyalty), and if both of us are happy and fulfilled. But I'm just going on an aimless tangent here. You see, my preference is a lot...gentler, so I wondered at the time if maybe that meant something. Of course other factors played a part as well, but that'll waste your valuable time . Let us reserve that for another post. Should be pleasant, listening to me rant for another 12 hours . I simply cannot express the full extent of my appreciation for your patience, understanding, and support. Please accept my heartfelt thanks ☺ !!!
Thank you so much for this !!! I am not so worried about it anymore, but I do still have a few questions I wish to ask you: Did you immediately know you were gay? Does it feel natural? Or did it gradually develop over time as you began to find yourself? If so, did you readily embrace your sexuality or did you initially try to push it away (to apparently no avail)? I feel exactly the same way you do, just vice versa. Recently my own misgivings have been fading away, but often in brief bursts it will return. I am satisfied with my current progress, but I do wish to improve to the point where I can forget about this dilemma (but not completely, lest I be unable to lend a shoulder to lean on to my *future* children should one of them start questioning as I have, or even if they are LGBTQ+). But I digress. Did you feel upset, horrified, unanchored, and insecure when you began questioning? Did you become awkward, uncomfortable, flustered, or bashful around any male friends or acquaintances you have? I was indeed more restrained around my female friends after I began questioning, but I was never more awkward, uncomfortable, flustered or bashful around other females (unless they give me a legitimate reason to, such as staring at my food, in which case I feel paranoid, baffled, rather testy and uncomfortable, which remains the same as before). Do you ever think a guy is kind of handsome upon first sight, and immediately find this concerning? I would greatly appreciate comparing your personal experiences to mine, and I sincerely hope this will benefit you as well! However, please take as much time as needed to mull my inquiries over, you may or may not answer the questions (please only answer the questions you feel comfortable answering), and please don't mind my mindless blathering ☺! Have a wonderful day, thank you so much for your support ☺!!! Best of luck to you, I hope you are able to let go of this and enjoy yourself in comfort and contentment once more ☺!!!
I understand you. Not in exactly the same way, but I am an obsessive worrier. At one point, it was about my sexuality (and, yes, I did end up being very queer, but that's not going to be the same for everyone). I don't have an answer for you, other than trying to get rid of the root problem - your fear, because I go through the same thing with different subjects in my life. Good luck
I feel like this a lot about what small attraction I do have to guys. I think generally I'm pretty much entirely gay, but yet... sometimes there will be a cute guy that I can't help but feel something for, or someone that I think is really nice and also happens to be kinda hot! It's weird... it's like Cydonian Knight said: when I try to picture myself in a romantic relationship with a guy, it doesn't really feel... right? So to me that tells me it's just maybe confused sexual urges. My advice to you isn't too different from the rest of the thread: just relax and not let the thoughts get to you too much. Everyone's curious about stuff like this eventually in their lives! No need to let the stress get the better of you. It's difficult to say whether you're straight or bi or anything, that's a question only you can answer - but you can't answer it if you're too busy fretting about it, you know?
Hello, Alright, I am aware that this is completely irrelevant, but how exactly do you post a new thread on Empty Closets? I do not frequent this site too often. My apologies in advance!!
Hey don't worry. If you go to the forum section you want to post in. Just above the list of threads on and on the right hand side there is a blue button that says start new thread.
