My son told me he's gay last night!!

He seems pretty sure of himself, so at least he didn't get a negative reaction. It's a lot harder if you live in a religious area, but I also think people are becoming more accepting these days too.

 

Hello HeatherAnn! Welcome to EC!

Thank you for being such a caring and understanding parent of an LGBTQ child!

What you are going through is normal. I would like to suggest that you check out this EC Resource page:
http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out/parentfamily-stages-of-grief.php

If he took the big step of Coming Out to you - his parents - then you can be sure that he has an excellent understanding and acceptance of his sexuality. (And please keep in mind just how big a step it is and how much courage it takes to Come Out to the people that we love the most. We are often concerned about letting our parents down by being LGBTQ and if there is even the slightest possibility that they may reject or even disown us for simply being LGBTQ, the prospect of Coming Out to parents can be truly terrifying. It says a lot that he trusted you enough to Come Out to you at this point. In reality, the only person who can ever truly know his sexuality is himself, so please don't make statements that question his self-identification. Such statements can be demoralizing to LGBTQ people and make us feel less accepted.

It is perfectly natural for parents to fear for their child's welfare when they first Come Out. It sounds like your son already has a pretty strong support group around him. He may lose some friends - but if they don't accept him simply because he is Gay, they weren't really his friends in the first place - and his is very likely to gain new, accepting friends. Fortunately, the younger generation is much more accepting of LGBTQ people that previous generations have been.

I would also like to suggest that download and read the Our Children pamphlet published by PFLAG. It can help you better understand some of the mental and emotional issues you are dealing with right now. If you are interested you can also check out the PFLAG website and see if there is a chapter near you. They normally hold support group meetings for parents of LGBTQ children.

I wish you all the best!

 

Hey I know it's a shock and you are scared for him but with supportive parents like you I'm sure he is going to be just fine. Take it one step at a time. You will need to get used to the idea but proud he could come and tell you.

 

I'm pleased you joined EC and created this thread and I would encourage you to read some of the archived threads in this part of the forum to see what other parents have experienced and the advice we have offered them.

I think Quantumreality covered a lot of points in his reply and I will not duplicate what he said, you are both supportive parents with your son's best interests at heart and it will mean the world to him to know that he has your love and can lean on both of you for strength. Don't underestimate how important that is. At this stage, you are the most significant people in his world and it will have taken so much courage for him to have said those two small words - "I'm gay". There are many gay kids who yearn for loving and accepting parents like you.

A couple of small pieces of advice: if he says he is gay, he is gay. I know it can be hard for parents to hear that and you may feel he is labelling himself prematurely when his hormones are all over the place, but it's highly unlikely all of this is a whim. I imagine he has agonised over it for a long time actually. I am 41 years old now and I knew I was gay at a very early age. I read all sorts of comments about it being a phase of teenage discovery and for many years it led to the suppression of my own identity, but nothing ever changed. All of that denial just burrowed away at my feelings and led to an overload in my late teens when I was still in the closet (an expression we use to describe our hidden identities). So believe what he says and talk to us if you need help, support or a greater understanding, and do check out PFLAG too.

Yes, there will be some bumps in the road as he comes out to more people and when it comes to the extended family he will need both of you more than ever, but I will also say that people can surprise us. We imagine some people will be hostile when they are, in fact, quite tolerant. Sometimes people back down when they realise one of 'their own' is gay.

 

This is awesome. So glad to read how supportive you are and very glad you found EC. I just found this forum this evening and I have to say.... the interactions I have had on here are nothing but positivity, advice from people who know what they are talking about, and most importantly support! Im going through my own issues and really can't help (Thought I want too!) as I have 0 knowledge on how to handle my own. However, you have certainly came to the right place!!!!

Wishing your family the best!

 

I don't have much to add beyond what has already been said, but I do want to thank you for being very open and supportive parents. The fact that you sought this place out also shows how much you care about your family and that is going to mean the world to your son.

I come at this from a different perspective than some as I am still trying to figure myself out in my 30s and have not told my parents. But I hope when that time comes they are as accepting as you.

Don't be afraid to search this place out, ask questions, vent, whatever you need. This is an incredibly supportive community and an excellent resource.

 

Thank you for being so kind to your son. I hid and struggled for over 30 years, finally becoming ok with who I was only in the last year or so, it was no fun and life is completely different now compared to then. I commend your son for having the courage to be himself at such a young age. For me, turning 45 tomorrow, the wounds haven't completely healed, but they will in time.

Please don't fall into the idea that all lgbtq people have to fit into a stereotype. I am a rough and tough country boy that like to hunt and get my hands dirty. Heck the tractor in my avatar is not mine, but there is one just like it in my garage getting restored.

As for people judging, maybe they should read James Chapter 4, if they can't accept, they are not really friends.

Take Care
Dean

 

A fellow Utahn, Its a little hard to come out here, especially in religious areas (I live in Utah county, which is arguably the most religious county in utah), but even in religious areas most people in his generation will be accepting even if they were taught that being gay is a bad thing.

 

Hey HeatherAnn,

That's wonderful! Thanks for sharing!

Something to keep in mind is that often, when we start questioning that we might be other-than-heterosexual, we tend to withdraw and become more reclusive because we are unsure of ourselves, ashamed, and even concerned that we might 'let something slip.' After Coming Out and being met with acceptance, our relationships with family and close friends not only return to normal, but often become stronger than ever because now we are no longer hiding part of who we authentically are.

 

Heather Ann,

I am sure your son with appreciate your love and support all of his life as well as that of your husband. I so appreciate my mother's acceptance of the time I cam out to her, and will always remember that conversation. Its a day that will never be forgotten by your son.

 

Thank you for being such a wonderful and accepting mother to your son. Even if some of the family or friends or religious community may not accept him he at least has his mother.

 

Hi how are you my son has been going through things as well and I have no idea how to react my son is only 11

 

Not the best time to be responding to a post mainly because I am very tired. I "sometimes" speak my mind when I'm tired.

Well HeatherAnn you've must have done something right because your son came to you and your husband and "opened" up to you. I can pretty much guarantee he has put a lot of thought into this. His courage speaks miles of his upbringing - it it an indicator.

I live in AZ (Arizona) so I am well versed in Utah's "religions". I sometimes see confused Utah youth on city streets, kicked out of there homes on advice from "church elders". May I take the liberty to suggest a secular church or Unitarian Universality church if one exists in the place you live. Why? Because these places practice tolerance and provide social activities. We humans are social animals after all.

We live in a "pigeon hole" society. We in American crave labels. Why? I think it's because deep down we are simple people (Americans) and fear the unknown. So people may label your son and expect a certain behavior from him - they really do not know much about gay people. This may put social constraints on your son to behave a certain way. I encourage you to sit down and talk and say, it's ok to be who you are and to make your own life path. Example: I was out in CA (California) approximately 9 months ago. I ran into a couple, one male and one female. They were in a relationship - love. But he was very open and was labeled gay by his male friends. She was a devout lesbian. She was condemned by her female friends for dating a guy - cough, cough, spit, spit. And yet they found each other. As a friend told me many years ago, ~"be and let be." Teach him to ignore the simple people. Rise above their stupidity. Forge you own path. Follow your heart.

Iv'e read the book Farm Boys, by Will Fellows. One thing (of many) I got from the book is boys, young men who come from loving, accepting families lead a stronger, healthier life than those boys, young men who come from an abusive environment. So I encourage to kick back find ways to love and encourage. Foster him bringing home a cute guy he is into. Be the high standard in their lives. I assure you you will have more fun in life if you do so - lessons learned from my past.

Few.

Oh ya, I love to mountain bike. So shred some back country trails, release, enjoy, become one with the outdoors.

Off to bed.

 

Bless you <3 Youre an awesome mother. I want to give you a hug right now. Tell your husband hes awesome too.

 

Awesome parents
Awesome young man
We can all hope one day all parents will be as supportive of us as you are to your son.
There are some questions you can ask of him if you choose to open a dialog with him to see if his self identity is genuine or a phase he is going through and there are aspects your son will likely display moving forward.
1. Ask when he first became aware of his same sex attraction or the feeling he was different from most other boys (The median age of awareness is between 8 & 11)
2. Ask him if he became aware that he was demonstrating any behavior that could or would be considered homosexual (Gay, try to find a term or "Label" he is comfortable with) This normally begins around 10-15 and is considered a projection phase often used by questioning individuals to gauge other peoples reactions to them.
3, Your son is in the 15-18 year old bracket of self identification as a same sex attracted individual which generally occurs in these mid to late stage puberty years.
At this stage your child may and probably will begin to explore both sexual and romantic encounters with like minded individuals.
Now is a good time to openly discuss sexually transmitted diseases, safe sex practices, the ins and outs of love, rejection, and the benefits of long term committed relationships.
4. On moving forward your son will likely keep his disclosure mostly private and within the confines of the family unit if possible and will normally begin to self disclose in public settings between 17-21 years old.
If he agrees this is indeed his wish please try to do so and council the rest of the family to also respect his desire to remain somewhat private at this time.
Also during this time he will likely develop one or several romantic involvement same sex relationships and this should be neither shocking nor heartbreaking to you as he is well on his way to becoming a sexually mature, mentally fit adult.
I hope you find my advice helpful.

 

Wow great material. I'm coping the bulk of it to my journal then reflect on certain aspects of it. Thanks for taking the time to post it.

 

You're welcome

 

So if I may take the liberty to ask, in your opinion / based upon studies, what happens to individuals when above stated phases is disrupted?