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In "Love" With My Therapist

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by bluesunlight, Aug 11, 2017.

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  1. Chip

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    Again, it would be more easy to believe your sudden turnabout if it didn't magically come after you directly told us that you'd just do what you wanted and you should have just lied... and then after you realized your postings aren't as anonymous as you thought they were.

    And for about the umteenhundredth time, it isn't about the advances, it's about the incredibly shitty boundaries and inappropriate self disclosure.

    There's really nothing more to be said here.
     
    #61 Chip, Aug 15, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2017
  2. DayByDay

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    Yeah, that's why I haven't really said anything. He's going to do what he wants to do, regardless of what we say.
     
  3. bluesunlight

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    The thing is I'm not the type to ever directly tell a man that I like him, especially one I assume is heterosexual. I'm sure my therapist can tell I like him. He either doesn't think it's a big deal or he likes me back and hasn't told me. I realize now that everything that has transpired in our sessions is most likely just projection on my part though. I doubt he'd keep his wedding ring on if he wanted me. Even though I wish that he was sending me signals - he probably wasn't. I seriously doubt that he'd be interested in me for various reasons. I just don't like being labeled as a sociopath, narcissist, etc. for simply longing for a relationship with my therapist. Nothing inappropriate has occurred between me and my therapist, and even if it were to happen, it wouldn't have been me who forced him to do anything. I never make advances towards people, it's not my style, so nothing's likely to happen anyway.
     
    #63 bluesunlight, Aug 15, 2017
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  4. Chip

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    For the record, it wasn't for simply longing for a relationship. As stated ad nauseum in the posts above, lots of people have feelings for their therapist. What is different in your case is the repeated, absolutely resolute and obstinate showing of absolutely zero empathy, concern, or caring for the potential impact of your self-centered desires on his career or his wife, nor any concern whatsoever on the impact on the profession as a whole. It is this inability to have any concept of how one's actions impact others that is consistent with antisocial personality patterns, and the inability to even consider other viewpoints that are consistent with narcissism.

    From what you've said, that appears to be the case. However, his lack of boundaries and inappropriate self-disclosures (for the umteenth time) are a serious problem for the way he practices therapy.

    And here's where you go off the rails again. It doesn't matter who starts something. Whether it's you or him, the responsibility is on him, and the lack of boundaries he's already demonstrated are deeply concerning.

    But we're going in circles here, you're just repeating yourself endlessly, and ignoring what's being said in response.
     
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  5. bluesunlight

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    Do you work in mental health or are you a social worker? You can't just label someone as something over one incident that is confusing for them. I've studied psychology/abnormal psychology and I don't fit the diagnostic criteria for antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder in the slightest. I don't lack empathy, I don't have a grandiose opinion of myself, I'm not impulsive, I don't believe I'm unique/special, I don't envy others/believe they're envious of me, I'm not aggressive, I don't lack remorse, etc.

    You don't know really anything about me, but you're awfully judgmental. Something I didn't expect from this website when there are so many men who have actually cheated on their wives or cheated with men who have wives. All you've essentially done is use profanity-laced retorts and personal insults. You can have an opinion about me or feelings, but you've been unnecessarily harsh when nothing unethical has even occurred and it is unlikely to. I'm still working my feelings out, and I don't have the inability to consider other points of view, so you're wrong there again. I've interacted with everyone respectfully here, and heard and considered what they've had to say - but please, continue labeling me over one tribulation in my life that I'm still processing. I'm obviously Hitler/Stalin/ISIS combined even though you know nothing else about my character or actions.
     
  6. DayByDay

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    I do agree with you that nobody on here can accurately diagnose you with any mental health disease. However, that is precisely why you seriously need to talk to a different therapist who has more well defined and appropriate boundaries.
     
  7. bluesunlight

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    The thing is that my therapist is a nice man who I think is also religious, but accepting. I don't think he's done anything inappropriate or intended to. The more I think about it, it's most likely my own projection and exaggeration of minor details. His disclosures weren't unethical as they weren't intended to harm or derail my treatment. The camping was just a hypothetical that I interpreted, and he only disclosed his favorite TV show because we were talking about shows I like to watch. I think he's just a nice and innocent man, and I just interpreted certain things as suggestive because of my longing for him.
     
  8. DayByDay

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    Okay, and I'm telling you that even if you are being truthful and suddenly believe that it was all projection (which I still highly doubt), you still need a new therapist because you fell in love with him. Not only is it a conflict of interest for you to continue seeing him, but you just also need to work through why you were having these feelings in the first place.
     
  9. Quantumreality

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    Hey bluesunlight,

    Just to jump in here, but I've read most of this thread.What is really holding you back from just telling him about how you feel? It seems unlikely that he will return your feelings, but at least that disclosure might lead to better therapy for you. (Just as if you were withholding your sexual orientation from him - your therapy would most likely tend to hit a wall that neither of you could breach until/unless you were ready.)

    If your biggest fear is that he would send to you another therapist to overcome your crush on him, I can understand. But, still, IF he said that, would that be the worst thing in the world? Could it even, perhaps, help you to move on in your life?

    Just some random thoughts.
     
  10. bluesunlight

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    I'm being truthful in currently thinking it's just projection (regardless of what I really want it to be). I just don't think he'd logically be interested in me, he's just an all-around nice man who cares about his patients, and has no ethical violations to his name/record. I'm not the type to make advances towards anyone, so I'm going to continue seeing him because he's really helping me and I enjoy talking with him. It's not like my crush on him can't be controlled, and it's not an impediment to others parts of my therapy.
     
  11. bluesunlight

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    I guess my fear in disclosing that is that it would cause our working relationship to end. He's the therapist I've most enjoyed talking with, and not just because I have a crush on him. He's really helping me, and I don't want to have to stop seeing him for therapy, and I really don't want to have to start over with another therapist.
     
    #71 bluesunlight, Aug 15, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2017
  12. Quantumreality

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    Yeah, but isn't that the point right now? You've got a crush on him, which you are hiding from him - thus inhibiting your therapy. You, understandably, want to continue to interact with him. It's also very unclear whether or not your desire of having a romantic/sexual relationship with him would significantly change things. I mean, certainly, if he knew that you have the 'hots' for him, he HAS to take that into account. It also seems clear that you can't actually have a romantic/sexual relationship with him because it is unrealistic in the sense that he is married and, beyond that, it would completely compromise his professional ethics and, thus, directly threaten his certification/job. And I mean this regardless of any feelings he may have for you, but 'simply' in the context of your feelings/intent for him.

    So, do you begin to understand how much of a zero-sum game your fantasies about him truly are?

    Thus, full disclosure to him will result in one of two things. Either he can handle that and continue to be your therapist. OR, he finds it to be such an uncomfortable situation or a situation that he can't currently deal with, that he refers you to another therapist.

    At a minimum, though, your personal conflict meets a fork in the road. That would be progress compared to the to standstill of wanton lust that you have for him right now, wouldn't it?

    Just saying...
     
  13. bluesunlight

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    It isn't a wanton lust for him, it's an emotional/romantic attraction, which makes it so difficult for me. I couldn't care less about sex. I just don't see the point in telling him. I came to him for generalized anxiety disorder, not to discuss my longing for a relationship with the perfect man. I've had these sorts of emotional crushes many times before; I just don't see the point in brining it up. He probably already knows anyway since I have a very coy and coquettish personality and by the way I'm infatuated with him. I'm sure he just thinks it's cute and thinks nothing really of it.
     
  14. Quantumreality

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    Honestly bluesunlight, to me, the point is to be HONEST with him. It's not about sex. It's about attractions and feelings. It's about being honest with this person that you claim to trust.

    If you 'trust' him, why are you withholding your honest feelings from him?

    If you think that he "already knows", then there is even less of a problem, from my point of view, in being totally open and honest with him.

    What I'm starting to think at this point is that YOU are SO concerned with hiding your feelings for him FROM him, that you are going to great lengths. But, hey, what do I know?
     
  15. bluesunlight

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    I might tell him how I feel in a future session, but I don't know if I'm ready for that quite yet. I don't want to alienate anyone this early.
     
    #75 bluesunlight, Aug 15, 2017
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  16. Quantumreality

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    But isn't this the crux (or at least a significant portion of the crux) of what you are dealing with right now? I'm no psychologist/psychiatrist, but how can you actually move forward with your life if aren't able to be open with him about this basic issue?

    Just saying....
     
  17. bluesunlight

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    I don't know, I've been single my entire life and I've managed somehow. Not too well, obviously, but somehow I carry on. I just don't know if I want to address it openly to him. I think it might cause me to break down and cry because of the emotional longing behind it, and I don't know if I can handle that.
     
    #77 bluesunlight, Aug 15, 2017
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  18. DayByDay

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    Crush? Earlier you were talking about being in love with him. Can you see how this complete 180 in the way you are thinking has lead some of us to question whether or not you are being truthful?

    Look, I can't control what you do. You are going to do whatever you want to do, regardless of what anyone says. However, you need to seriously think about what you are doing. It is completely irrational to think that having these feeling wouldn't effect your therapy. This will only hurt you in the end.
     
  19. Quantumreality

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    So you would rather continue to live a fantasy in your mind instead have having resolution?

    That's certainly your personal choice. Most of us prefer not to live in fantasy - at least in my personal experience.

    But there is no 'defined' wrong or right. Only what works for you and what gets you through each day.

    However, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that if you were happy with your current life, you wouldn't have made this thread here on EC to point out your current concerns/issues. Or am I missing something?
     
  20. bluesunlight

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    I put "love" in quotation marks, so it's a crush but I desperately want it to be real love despite the circumstances. Although it can't realistically happen.
     
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