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In "Love" With My Therapist

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by bluesunlight, Aug 11, 2017.

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  1. bluesunlight

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    I recently started seeing a therapist for generalized anxiety disorder, and pretty much instantly fell for him. I can tell he likes me too by how nervous he was when we first met and his behavior and demeanor towards me. I'm almost 27, and he's around 30, so it's perfect that way. He's also just my type and as perfect as any man could be to me. I have a feeling a may be closted (or bi), and he's also only been married to a woman for less than a year. He also knows that I'm gay and very single.

    In my last session, he uttered plenty of innuendos that didn't have anything to do with anything other than to be flirting. He also said kind of odd things in odd ways like how he was going camping (closeted guys often do this) and how he loved to watch Malcolm In the Middle (I have the same overall body type and appearance as the characters on the show). He tells me how smart I am and takes a large interest in me, but I think he sees me as much more than just a patient and I want him to too.

    I've been profoundly single my whole life and totally loveless and this perfect caring man comes along and I don't want to not take a chance just because he's my therapist. I may never get another one again. I'm not looking for sex or to break a couple up, but maybe it's possible he felt pressure to marry a woman and needed someone like me to show him that a loving committed same-sex relationship could be possible?

    I don't know, next time I see him, I'm going to dial it to 11 and go for it. I'm tired of anxiety, insecurity, self-doubt, and feeling defeated always holding me back. I have nothing to lose.
     
  2. Lin1

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    I think you may be reading too much into this.

    1) He may look nervous around you but he has also took the time to let you know that he is married to a woman. It's possible he can see you have an interest and wanted you to know that he was taken and not leaning that way.

    2)Camping. Not sure what the camping reference could be interpreted as for gay men but it's also very likely that he genuinely was going camping with his wife/kids.

    3)Malcolm in the middle. Did he say he liked the TV Show or that he liked the character Malcolm and fancied him. Lots of my (straight) male friends like the TV show and will happily tell you so but don't fancy the character and would not be attracted to you just because you look like him, so I think it's important to know whether it's the man who plays Malcom that he likes or the actual TV show.

    4)He takes a large interest in you. It is his JOB he is paid to do exactly just that. I actually don't know why he mentions his personal taste/holiday plans at all as the sessions are supposed to be about you and helping you deal with your anxiety. He really is supposed to have an interest in you and helping you get better. Don't forget that this is what you pay him for so don't read too much into this.

    If he is even a little bit professional and care about his career (and his wife) he will turn you down and probably forward you to one of his colleagues. This is the only right thing to do. If he didn't I would really question whether or not he really has your best interest at heart.

    Patient/therapist relationships are extremely unhealthy and yours would probably be too.
     
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  3. bluesunlight

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    I get what you're saying and I'm aware of projection, but I really don't think that's what's happening here. The manner in which he was saying things like "I'm going camping" as if it were an extended weekend invitation. Then he made a reference to my butt, and a coffee reference about concentrate on how the warmth it would feel going down my throat. It was all very suggestive and had nothing to do with anything. I'm also very coy and coquettish, non-threatening and non-aggressive. I weigh only 107 lb. at 6'1" and he's my height but built like a college athlete with huge arms. I doubt he'd be uncomfortable with me when I'm sweet, non-aggressive, and can't defend myself worth anything.

    I don't think a relationship like this would be problematic. We're about the same age, have a lot in common, both love and value serious committed relationships, and I'm not a deeply trouble person. I just struggle with GAD, which he's really helping me with. If there's something there, I'm not going to just throw it away. If we have to hide it because of dumb rules and the like - so be it!
     
  4. Twist

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    On his side, it is extremely problematic, from a purely legal standpoint. It is extremely unethical as well. IF you are his patient and become more than his patient as well? It could cause him considerable harm in concern to his career, whether you want/mean it to or not.
     
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  5. bluesunlight

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    Yeah, it may be in a legal sense, but it's not really unethical if I'm wanting it/it's a mutual feeling, we're both past 25 and not cognitively-impaired. These things happen all the time. Obviously, I wouldn't be flaunting anything if something did end up happening because I wouldn't want him to lose his career. I'm not an infant that needs to be coddled by the nanny state, and I can tell we both really like each other, so I'm going to pursue it. It's practically impossible for a gay male to find a nice man who cares about feelings and relationships, or to find any man in general.
     
  6. DayByDay

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    Yeah, I gotta say I agree with everyone else. I know I'm pretty young to be commenting on this but I really think it's unethical. I see a therapist for my anxiety and I can understand how you might fall in love with them. A therapist is there to you judgement-free support and advice. On top of that, they are incredibly good listeners. They are pretty much everything that anyone could want in a partner. However, it's important to remember that any good professional will be able to see that relationships between doctors and patients are highly unethical. I know that's hard to hear and I understand why you are feeling this way but I seriously think you should be careful about this.
     
  7. bluesunlight

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    I still don't see how it's unethical if there are intentions of a real relationship. People meet in different settings, and sometimes that leads to real love. If they're both adults, what's the problem? I'm not saying it definitely will happen, but I get the feeling that he sees me as more than a patient and not as an object either. I don't think he sees many like me or at all, since he mainly sees couples, families, groups, children, and people struggling with substance addiction. I think I threw him for a loop and I noticed he had a difficult time containing himself around me before he even asked what my sexual orientation was.
     
  8. Twist

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    To clarify... It is unethical if you two start a relationship and he --continues-- to be your therapist. If you move to a relationship status, you need to find a different therapist. It's illegal AND unethical for him to fill both roles.
     
    #8 Twist, Aug 11, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2017
  9. bluesunlight

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    Okay, so if it becomes explicitly stated that we like each other and want to take things further outside of therapy confines, we can end the therapy and we're free?
     
  10. Twist

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    Yes. As long as he is not both your therapist and someone you are in a relationship with, it would be fine. So if you want to pursue something with him, you need to start looking for a new therapist.
     
  11. Blast

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    1. Change therapist.
    2. Ask him on a date.
     
  12. bluesunlight

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    Cool. Next week when I see him, I'll make it obvious when I say I've always longed for a serious committed relationship, real love,etc. I'll compliment his outfit and play off any of his additional cheekiness from last week. If that doesn't work...
     
  13. C281990

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    I think (at least in the uk) its illegal for any therapist to start a relationship with his client until 2 years have past. Why dont you just tell him straight that you have feelings for him without complementing his outfit etc?he can then help you navigate you feelings if it turns out he doesnt correspond your feelings. I dont fancy my therapist like that but i have had crushes that i thought were into me and then it just turned out it wasmymind wanting it so much that i convinced myself
     
  14. Chip

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    I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but there's some good advice, and some really shitty and blatantly wrong advice in this thread.

    First, if your therapist actually has feelings for you, and was actually giving innuendos in session, he should not be a therapist, because he has terrible boundaries and will harm his clients. If I knew who he was, I would file an ethics complaint with his state licensing board myself, because that sort of behavior is absolutely inexcusably wrong and inappropriate and a huge disservice to you and any other clients he is seeing. He will eventually really harm someone.

    Second, even putting aside the innuendo, he's already shown himself to be a terrible therapist... the level of self-disclosure you're describing (telling you about favorite shows, that he's going camping, commenting on your butt, etc.) is completely inappropriate, harmful to your therapy, and simply bad practice. Therapists are trained to not self-disclose unless there is a very specific reason that is directly beneficial to the client's therapy, and even then, done only with careful thought and intention.

    Third, the ethical guidelines to which he agreed when he became a licensed therapist, in any state in the US, absolutely prohibit him from being in a relationship with a client for a minimum period (2 to 5 years depending on the state, licensing board, and particular code of ethics of his license class (psychologist, MFT, social worker, etc.) So even if you propositioned him and he agreed, he could not, without losing his license, date you for a minimum period of two years.

    It is this sort of inexcusable behavior on the part of therapists that gives the field a bad name. Every therapist gets it absolutely beaten into their head, multiple times, in multiple courses, internship, supervision, and other places that any sort of dating, flirting, innuendo, or sexual behavior of any kind is absolutely inexcusable. They are also taught about appropriate boundaries and self-disclosure. This guy has apparently violated both, and it makes my blood boil when I hear stuff like this, because these people end up harming their clients and often alienating clients from future therapy.

    I'm really sorry to burst your bubble, but dating him is a bad idea on multiple levels. First, his boundaries aren't good, and even as a boyfriend (taking the therapist role out of it), that's problematic, because he's likely to do the same thing with other clients he sees. Second, you're talking about getting into a relationship with someone who is a terrible therapist and will likely eventually lose his license, and potentially face criminal charges, depending on what he does and how far he takes it... which will create drama and economic instability.

    I'm really sorry to rain on your parade. I know that part of what you are feeling is simply the connection that *every* client feels if they have a meaningful connection with their therapist. The difference is... good therapists recognize that this phenomena (properly referred to as 'transference' in clinical terms) is normal, and handle it appropriately, with good boundaries (certainly not self-disclosing and flirting or making innuendo), and it can actually help the client cultivate feelings of safety. Your therapist is doing the complete opposite. This is somebody with a whole lot of issues that haven't been addressed... absolutely not someone I'd see for therapy, and not someone I'd date either.
     
    #14 Chip, Aug 11, 2017
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  15. PatrickUK

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    Everything Chip said. This is bad, bad, bad, in all respects. It's bad that you are "in love" with him, but it's even worse that he (as the professional) has lax boundaries and seems to have crossed so many lines. I'm sorry, but this is really unhealthy and needs to stop.
     
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  16. bluesunlight

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    I really like him as a person and a therapist though. I get the feeling that he's closeted, and that can be a big issue in itself for a person. Maybe seeing a gay male in his age range who is completely comfortable being gay was something that was alluring to him. He's so easy to talk to, intelligent, comforting, attractive, soft-spoken, accomplished, and caring. His record is great, and I don't think he's done this or would with other clients. He's mainly a families and couples counselor and helps people with substance abuse also. He also has a great attitude and is really giving me skills to manage my anxiety well. I just don't want to throw this away if he really likes me and sees a possible relationship with me. I'm almost 27, a total virgin, never had any relationships, and I'm extremely loving and relationship-oriented. I've been trying since I was a teenager to find real love and a serious relationship and then this "perfect" man walks into my life; I can't just let this pass without trying.
     
  17. Creativemind

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    Therapist/client relationships are actually really similar to adult/teenager relationships, even if both are over 25. That is because the client is in a vulnerable situation, seeking help over certain matters. While the therapist plays a parent role, having complete authority over the client as a temporary caregiving figure.

    Even if you're both adults, it is still llegal, and that will be brought up fairly quickly.
     
  18. Chip

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    So you didn't read, or ignored, everything I said above. Nice.

    Which has absolutely nothing to do with his professional obligations as a therapist... except that if he's got those issues, he should not be seeing clients. It also has nothing to do with the ethical obligations he agreed to when he accepted licensure as a therapist, which he is already violating.

    Then he is a really shitty therapist. Therapists are trained to understand that they will feel attraction to clients (every therapist does, at one time or another) and to appropriately handle it. This therapist is not.

    So is every well-trained and competent therapist.

    Uh, no. The things you've described above are actionable and enough to at the very least get him on probation, if not termination, of his license.

    It doesn't matter. Inappropriate handling of one client is all it takes to have your license permanently revoked.

    So in other words, you don't give a fuck about the fact that he would be throwing away his career, violating his professional and ethical obligations, doing a huge disservice to you, and significantly damaging the profession. Nice.

    A competent therapist in this role would immediately, but gently and compassionately, shoot you down, explain why he is shooting you down, and work with you to find opportunities to meet people in healthy environments. I'm going to hope against hope that he will, if you actually do come on to him, suddenly wake up to the grossly inappropriate behavior he has been displaying, realize that he is already grossly violating his ethical obligations, and shoot you down immediately but kindly and compassionately, then terminate therapy with you, recommend that you see another therapist, and go into intensive therapy himself to work on his egregious boundary issues, and realize that he can never appropriately date you or have any relationship (friendship or otherwise) with you. That would be the only ethical way to handle the situation if it is as you have described it.

    I try to have optimism that people will make the right choice when confronted with an obvious situation. For his good and for yours, I really hope that he does exactly what I've described above. Then, you can get a competent therapist, with good boundaries, who can help you explore all of the complex issues that are bringing you to this point, help you work through them, and help you find someone who will love and appreciate you who *isn't* in a position of power and control over you.
     
    #18 Chip, Aug 12, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2017
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  19. bluesunlight

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    I'm mildly troubled at best, and he doesn't have power or control over me. I've liked him from the start and I've felt the same for him. If something ends up happening, I have no problem keeping it a tightly held secret. Sorry, but I wouldn't let a great guy get away just because of the circumstances.
     
  20. Chip

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    You very, very clearly don't get it. The entire nature of the relationship creates an imbalance of power, which is why the laws in nearly every state, as well as the ethical regulations in *every* state prohibit what you are seeking to do.

    But you basically don't give a crap about him or his future, the potential harm and ruining of his career, the damage to the profession as a whole, or anything else, because all you care about is your dick. That's some exceptionally supreme asshole-level selfishness that one doesn't run across very often.

    Then I will very, very sincerely hope that your hitting on him will jar him out of whatever sense of impropriety is taking over the common sense he ought to have, and, as I said above, that he will terminate therapy with you and get help for himself.

    And don't think, if he's stupid enough to go for it, that it won't end badly, and won't completely fuck his future, not to mention cause severe emotional harm for you. Almost certainly it will in both cases. But of course, you don't care about that.
     
    #20 Chip, Aug 12, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2017
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