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Strong feelings and attraction to my friend - how can I tell her and should I tell her at all?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by J321J, Aug 7, 2017.

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  1. J321J

    J321J
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    Hey,

    This is my first thread so apologies if the format is off. Anyway, I'm a 19 year old girl who has been questioning her sexuality for about 6/7 years now (but I am still very much in the closet).

    I have been friends with a girl for about 8 years because we went to school together and we've just finished our first year at university (but we're at different universities). She is bisexual and out to our friends and we jokingly kissed once when we were younger but I had told her that I was straight (the truth is I was questioning and afraid) but unfortunately in more recent years we grew apart (no drama - it wasn't related to the kiss; just different friendship groups formed) and we haven't spoken at all in the last year since university started.

    But since we've been back home from university we've been spending quite a lot of time together and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since the first time I saw her this summer. Maybe it's because I've just missed her but the truth is that I'm very much attracted to her and I care about her a lot. I was thinking about maybe telling her that I find her attractive on a drunken night out but have no idea how to go about wording it or leading up to it because I really don't want to risk ruining our friendship/making it awkward. Do you think it would be better to tell her so that it might help me stop fixating and if so how, or should I just keep it to myself? Any experiences, advice and/or suggestions on what to do or how to word things would be so appreciated.

    Thank you
     
    #1 J321J, Aug 7, 2017
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  2. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Hey I can understand your dilemma and don't worry your post is fine :slight_smile:.

    Am I right in assuming you are not out to her?
     
    #2 silverhalo, Aug 7, 2017
  3. J321J

    J321J
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    Okay thank you.

    Yes - I'm not out, but at the same time if I were to come out to anyone, she would probably be the first person. I would trust her more than others with something like that (even though we're not as close as we used to be) - to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if she has her suspicions about me not being heterosexual (because of past conversations about TV shows and celebrity crushes and she invited me to pride this summer - but neither of us could go in the end) but I strongly doubt she would have any idea whatsoever that I'm into her.
     
    #3 J321J, Aug 7, 2017
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  4. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Well I think my first step would be to come out to her, see what her reaction to that is and then perhaps you can tell her how you feel. What makes you think she has no idea you might like her?
     
    #4 silverhalo, Aug 7, 2017
  5. J321J

    J321J
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    Do you have any suggestions on how to come out to her? I'm sorry, it's just that this would be my first time talking to anyone about it.
    I don't know really, I guess it's just a vibe that I don't think she would reciprocate my feelings because she doesn't seem interested. It's small things like I've tried the odd unnecessary touches here and there and she usually doesn't react - those sorts of things (I can't really explain it).
     
    #5 J321J, Aug 7, 2017
  6. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    That's ok don't worry. You have to remember she thinks you are straight. I'm not saying she will reciprocate your feelings but even if she did like you she would be trying to get rid of the crush because in her eyes you are straight.

    How you come out to her is entirely up to you, you have to chose the way that feels best to you. There are lots of options though. You can tell her face to face, just sit down when you have some time and say, look I know all those years ago I told you I was straight but now I am questioning and think I'm into girls. If you don't think you would be able to bring the subject up then you could message her before you meet up and say, when we meet up there is something I need to tell you. That way when you meet up she will prompt you by saying what is it you wanted to tell me. If you think saying the words might be difficult then you could write down what you want to say and either read it to her or hand her the bit of paper. Alternatively you can tell her in a message when you are texting etc. I really struggled to tell people face to face when I was first coming out so most of my first ones were by message or email. Other people like to do it face to face as you don't have to wait for the response etc. There is no right or wrong way just whatever feels right to you.
     
    #6 silverhalo, Aug 7, 2017
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  7. J321J

    J321J
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    Thank you so so much, this has been really helpful and it's given me some more confidence! I like the idea of giving her a heads up and telling her that I want to talk to her about something and going from there.
     
    #7 J321J, Aug 9, 2017
  8. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Cool. Let us know how it goes. :slight_smile:
     
    #8 silverhalo, Aug 9, 2017
  9. beenthrdonetht

    beenthrdonetht
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    She invited you to Pride. You're her first choice. Go for it.
     
    #9 beenthrdonetht, Aug 12, 2017
  10. J321J

    J321J
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    Ahaha I wish it was like that but a few other friends were going and we were talking about LGBT related things at the time and then she invited me to go with two or three other people
     
    #10 J321J, Aug 13, 2017
  11. beenthrdonetht

    beenthrdonetht
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    Well, you're still in the game. She definitely likes you. The question is does she (or will she) Like you?
     
    #11 beenthrdonetht, Aug 15, 2017
  12. J321J

    J321J
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    Hi guys, I know its been a very very long time but I told you I would let you know how everything went, especially after you helped me so much (thank you for that by the way, I really appreciate it). So here goes: I chickened out from coming out and from telling my friend how I feel over summer because I was too scared and we were always out with other friends but we've been spending more and more time together since then (and we're both going to be spending more time alone in the new year). She basically knows I'm not straight (even though I didn't say it explicitly) - we've talked about certain experiences and being in LGBT societies at university and she said she's going to take me to a gay club when I visit her at her university etc. I haven't told her how I feel just yet but it's progress and I'm feeling so much more confident - it's like a weight has been lifted already. Yeah, I just wanted to give you an update and thank you once again for your advice and support :slight_smile:
     
    #12 J321J, Dec 23, 2017
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