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I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RJay, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. Moonsparkle

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    Rana's words totally sum up my feelings too. I would guess that it's exactly the fact that you have been willing to be vulnerable, to share all of your emotions that this thread is on page 27 now. I think each of us connect in some way to your story, and you have expressed emotions that we either have had, or are having in our own lives. I get that this site is anonymous and maybe that makes it easier to share, but regardless, you HAVE been willing to be vulnerable here. Something you are not used to doing. And I hope that being vulnerable here has been a positive thing for you and has proven that no one has 'run away' from your thoughts and emotions,(clearly -Page 27!). Just a reminder not to discount your courage in revealing you--even in an anonymous online way. It's a big step! Good practice for revealing the real you, and your needs in future real life relationships, or even just friendships!

    I agree with the rest of the gang here too. Time away from V will be a good thing, and I think it is happening at the perfect time!

    I sense that this is a time that could be almost a pivot point for you. Not for you in relation to V necessarily, but in the way you view yourself in general. A sort of chance to find your personal sense of power in the world (life coach could be a real help here it seems!) A sense of power is the power we hold and carry with us, regardless of what is going on outside of us, in our relationships or other areas of of our life. It's the healthy baseline we start from. Not about having power over anyone or anything like that, just about being clear about our wants and needs, and valuing ourselves to have strong boundaries where we need to! (Personal experience learning on this, from a girl that spent years starting from a very unhealthy baseline!).

    As Glynda the Good Witch said to Dorothy, 'You had the power all along my dear....'

    You're doing great RJay, (even if it doesn't seem that way to you!):slight_smile:
     
  2. Soundofmusic

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    THIS
     
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  3. leb10

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    Hey RJay - Just wanted to drop-in and tell you how much I've appreciated following your story. Thank you for sharing all of it. It's helped me tremendously with some of my own feelings and reminded me that I'm not alone in dealing with these big emotions. Hope you're hanging in there OK today
     
  4. Rana

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    Hi RJay,
    Any updates? We're all living vicariously through you now!
    :slight_smile:
     
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  5. RJay

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    Hi guys, V changed plans and didn't come back this weekend. So I haven't seen her since Tuesday! It's really unbearable. We've texted daily about this and that... nothing major. But I miss her terribly. Like really terribly. Even though she is away and I don't know when I'm going to see her next, I still can't seem to think about anything else but her morning, noon, and night. I guess this has crossed into the realm of obsession.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Hey RJay, I know this is hurting like hell but I think it will do you good. Have you thought anymore about the things you would want/need from a relationship?
    I think perhaps you would benefit from seeing if there is an LGBT centre near by which has any groups on. I'm not saying you should find yourself a girlfriend whilst V is away, I just think having other LGBT friends can be really really helpful and comforting, in a similar way which EC is. I know you have talk about your brother and nephew who are both brilliant and supportive and I'm not taking anything away from their support but I have heard you say the thought of getting involved in the scene or meeting other gay people seems overwhelming and daunting so maybe pushing yourself to do that whilst V is away would help in many ways. At the moment I get the impression you are throwing everything you have into your relationship with V as if your life depends on it and whilst I appreciate your heart feels like it might stop without her I promise you it won't and even if we all get our happy ending and she realises she can't live without you I feel like the current way the relationship is evolving is not a healthy one.

    Hugs.
     
  7. RJay

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    Thanks. I think you are right.
     
  8. silverhalo

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    I hope you are ok, you sound a bit down.
     
  9. RJay

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    Thanks, you are so sweet. I admit I'm struggling. I look forward to my therapy and coaching appointments, but in the meantime it's really hard to feel like things are going to be ok.
     
  10. Searching1

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    I'm so sorry, @RJay that you are struggling. I'd imagine that reality is starting to hit harder as you come off from could 9 of spending all your days with V. It may help to recognize that it's something you have to go through at some point as part of your journey. You've been on a high for a few months and probably haven't allowed yourself time to process everything that has happened in such a short period of time. I do agree that finding LGBT support right now is so important. You need more friends and allies especially if you are having a hard time. I have been going through my own intense ups and downs (more like "okay" and downs..). Just know the downs never stay the same. You get through them. Hang in there!
     
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  11. RJay

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    Thank You!
     
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  12. Moonsparkle

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    I'm glad you checked in, and I think it goes without saying that your 'readers' understand, we've either been in the spot you are in right now or something real similar. And I think obsession is too strong of a word. Obsession makes me think of those cheesy Lifetime movies, where some woman IS obsessed with some guy and starts doing all this shady, underhanded stuff to get him and will stop at nothing to do it. Clearly this is not you, and never will be. I don't think you are obsessed. I just think that V may occupy too large of a space in your life. So when she is not right in the neighborhood, and you can't see her at all it really shakes up your world. Contact with her might also give you a sort of 'high', and now you are missing that feeling, and that's GOT to be difficult.

    I know this is REALLY hard for you right now. But I do still think this time without V will ultimately prove to be a good thing. It does give you time to do your 'homework', it does force you in a way to focus on you. And there is a lot that could be gained in an overall life way during this time that she's not nearby--it's kind of an opportunity.

    Take good care of yourself, sending you hugs and understanding!
     
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  13. RJay

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    Thank you. All the support means a lot!
     
  14. silverhalo

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    I know it doesn't seem like they will be but I promise you they will. Just take it a day at a time and if you need to talk, good or bad we are all here for you.
     
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  15. RJay

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    Ugh the incessant chatter in my brain!

    I wonder what V is up to right now?
    I wonder if she's relieved to be rid of me and was just humoring me until she could get away.
    Should I text her?
    Why hasn't she answered my text?
    Do her texts seem more distant? Less friendly?
    Should I leave her alone?
    Ugh! Shut up, brain!
     
  16. Rana

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    RJay,
    As someone who spent many weeks in the hell that is trying to decipher meaning from text conversations while getting to know someone, I can commiserate. I even started an EC thread about how much I hate texting due to the enigma of gleaning different meanings from them.

    But here's the thing I learned...most often, the more you think about what someone "meant" by something they texted, the farther away you'll go from the truth. That's because we let our worst fears & insecurities drive us crazy and we try to inject unfounded or unreasonable meaning to each syllable of every texted word.

    You miss V, and you love her. Of course it's hard to be away. Waiting for a response is hell when you're in a state of pining over a person. For now, just try to remember she's most likely just busy living life at the moment. She'll respond in due time, you'll see. It's not anything negative against you. And...hard as it may be...try to distract yourself instead of texting her again because I promise that will not make you feel better if she doesn't have time to respond right now.

    Give her some time to miss you. I used to be available all day and night to respond to calls or text. I felt miserable because I didn't want my schedule to always be flexible. I made some rules for myself like not responding after a certain hour (and stuck to it...that was hard to do). You know the result was amazing!! As soon as the person understood that I wasn't always available, all of a sudden I was being chased and my time was treated with respect. It's hard but try to show what a catch you really are!! Don't chase, but be chased!
     
  17. RJay

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    Thank you. Of course, 5 minutes after I wrote that, V started a long text exchange with me that was really nice. She told me about her day, what she was up to, how she was feeling. She asked all kinds of questions about what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. She wished me good night. Ahhhhhh. It felt like everything was right in the world.

    I agree I have to work on feeling OK about myself and being OK with whatever the hell this relationship turns out to be about. BUT, in the short term, those text exchanges sure do cheer me up.
     
  18. silverhalo

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    Hey I agree with Rana you can't overanalyse these thing you will go crazy.

    The problem at the moment is the way your brain has wired itself V is your coping mechanism and socyour brain is saying without V I cannot cope and we all know that's not true because you were coping before this relationship started. You just have to find a way to change the patterns and find other methods of being ok. V is your drug of choice and it's like nothing can be right in the world unless you have had your fix.
    Maybe you could set yourself some rules like Rana, occasionally make sure she is the one to initiate the conversation, no messages after a certain time. Or no checking your phone more than once an hour etc.
     
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  19. Moonsparkle

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    I've done this with texts. Deciphering, wondering, looking for deeper meaning. This was me: 'yay! she sent 2 heart emoji's, and the girl girl couple emoji AND a blushy face emoji--she must REALLY love me!! ' Or, God Forbid if a conversation went like this...

    Me: Hey, do you have my blue and white tank top? I wanted to wear it tomorrow with my new jeans :slight_smile:
    Her:Yes

    OMG! I'd be like 'YES'???, what does she mean by that? Nothing more to say? Why is she being so distant? I hope she understands that I don't care that she still has it, I just want it for tomorrow.. Is she mad about all the clothes of hers I have? That's it, maybe I am being unreasonable, maybe I should text her and explain.....and on and on and on.

    And guess what she REALLY meant by her response? 'Yes I have it.' Period. Nothing more or less, an answer to the question. No hidden meaning. Texting really is at it's heart an easy, lazy, virtually effortless way of communication--rarely as loaded or significant as we think it is.

    I think NOT getting a text from her, or one you deem as distant creates a ton of anxiety. You get a text that feels good and anxiety immediately is alleviated, there IS relief, it is a fix. Meanwhile, in between these texts she really is out living her life on vacation, enjoying herself, relaxing. I don't know if she's building sandcastles with the kids, taking surfing lessons, hanging out with vacation friends or reading a great novel. But likely she is doing SOMETHING that brings her joy. And you can do ANYTHING that brings you joy too. I am not saying you have to even attempt to stop thinking of her or any of that, but I imagine there is MORE you love in life than her. And I think you have a lot to offer the world too.

    It's really hard, but try not to get too wrapped up in the words on the four inch screen on your phone. I have done that myself though, so I know it's hard NOT to get wrapped up in them when you are so wrapped up loving someone! But think of it this way, even if you and V were a couple--you would still have other outside interests right? Things you do without her. The most healthy couples have their own stuff going on too, they can be apart from each other and enjoy themselves separate from their partner. And I think that makes them more interesting to each other too! Hang in there RJay! :slight_smile:
     
  20. zumbaqueen

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    Yep, I think I'm ok with moving my relationship towards a friendship and I think I'm ok then she sends me a text message and I go back to my dream world.
     
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