I'm new to this forum. I am a 47 year old married man with two kids. I grew up wearing women's clothes. I told my wife before we married. we also sought counseling for general marital issues where I came out and said I fantasize about sex with men. I have never been with a May although I tried several times in my early twenties. I masturbate to these fantasies and I do enjoy gay porn. I also watch hetero porn and imagine myself as the woman. I do find women sexy emotionally and physically. I satisfy my wife sexually and I enjoy it also. I look at men at the gym or work and can't imagine me being with them. I do not find them attractive. I have been turned on by seeing a naked man before. I love dick. How can I be so turned on by the thought of being with a man but not look at them and find them gorgeous. My wife's friend is always commenting on how hot guys are. I try to feel that way but it doesn't happen. I would accept I'm gay if I looked at men and wanted to go down on them all the time but I almost never feel that way unless I'm watching porn or fantasizing. What do I do?
Helllo AbbieHue! Welcome to EC! It's never too late to question. Questioning can only lead to a better understanding of yourself. I would say that cross-dressing isn't really an indicator of sexuality. There are many straight men, including some on this site, who enjoy cross-dressing. I would also say that pornography is generally a poor indicator of sexuality, so you can't really determine your sexuality based on the type(s) of porn you may watch/prefer. Sexuality is about romantic and sexual attractions. I am a little confused, though, by what you said. You said that you look at men in the gym or at work, but can't imagine being with them. Yet you also said that you have been turned on by seeing a naked man and that you "love dick." That sounds like it could be shame and internalized homophobia blocking your acceptance of same-sex attractions. Most of us grow up being taught, whether through religious doctrine or just what society basically deems ‘normal’ that homosexuality is an aberration. When we start to realize that we are not ‘normal’ based on those influences, we might start to lose part of our confidence and our self-worth. We might feel that we are letting our parents and those we love down. But, of course, this isn’t true. We don’t choose our sexuality. Perhaps this Blog post can give you some insights. Perhaps these YouTube videos that discuss romantic and sexual attractions can help you: Just my thoughts. I hope some of that might help...
I think dick is hot. I don't understand how when I look at ordinary men I don't have the same physical attractions as my wife's friend. Why can't I think a man is delicious and gorgeous. But when I watch some gay porn I totally imagine myself doing the blow job or having a man on top of me. That's the only time I've found men attractive. I usually find women attractive while people watching at the gym or out and about. As far as cross dressing I initially thought when I was young that I love wearing women's clothes so I must love men. Now I'm thinking the women's clothes is a manifestation of wanting to have sex with men but wasn't sexual at a young age to make that distinction. I attempted to meet men in my early twenties. I met them and I would leave because I didn't feel the physical attraction.
One other thing. I told my wife sometime ago I thought I was bisexual. She seemed to be okay with it. I have not asked to sleep with men nor do I intend to, but she doesn't care to talk about this stuff. When I bring it up she says I should find somebody to talk to. I'd like it to be her but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen and that's why I'm here.
Hey AbbieHue, You can always talk to us on EC, but this is an anonymous website, so I would ask if there is a friend or two that you feel that you might be able to Come Out to and with whom you could have real, direct conversations? Alternately, perhaps you would care to seek out a professional therapist who has LGBTQ experience. Such a therapist may be able to help you walk yourself through your journey of self-discovery about your true sexuality. My thoughts.
