I'd much rather have this life of chaos and uncertainty where I'm pursuing my needs and my truth, than the empty suffocating life I lived before. But, I'm ready now to get to a more stable point. I'm ready to stop for a minute, get off the ride and be able to just be, just be me, just be out, independent, free, on my own path, living my truth rather than chasing it. I'm almost there. I see it, it's so close but I don't have the luxury of running to the goal, I have to walk, sometimes crawl towards it. I can't speed up certain things. I know when I'm there my journey is not over, and I don't want it to be. But I feel there is contentment, peace, joy and a sense of freedom there. I need that. When is it ever going to be a reality??? Ok, enough moaning. I have several practical things I will make a small tiny step towards today. So, on to that.
i can so relate to these feelings going through my divorce. but i can tell you, having been in a similar situation, that you are farther along than you think, and this goal will come, just as the last ones came. also, you have fresher memories than I but remember those baby steps? the ones our kids make? how fast they get everywhere when they shouldn't with those little legs and feet? those short steps? some times our journeys are like that little steps that we dont even realize we are getting somewhere faster than we ever thought to. your doing fine and sometimes we just need to practice that hardest of virtues; Patience. patience with the situation, the time, and with ourselves.
The day we stop growing is the day we start dying. Growth is painful. Pain sucks, but it beats the alternative. My belief system says we came here to experience life, sensation (for whatever purpose). Not every spirit gets to do that...so you've been given a gift in this opportunity. Don't wish away part of that experience. I liken it to being on a rollercoaster...as soon as the big hill comes you find yourself screaming and yelling that you want it to stop, to return you to stability. I hypothesize that the instant the ride is over, most spirits are clamoring to ride again. Embrace the pain and whirlwind of growth as much as you appreciate the calm stable comfortable times. It's all part of this life you've been given to experience. Get everything you can out of it!
I'm with you. It's like a never ending journey. Sometimes I love it, sometimes it's quite overwhelming.
