Starting to hate people around me, Am I going mad?

Not having an option to come out requires you to suppress your true self, and the corresponding shame that is associated with being gay in your country requires that you put up emotional barriers to protect yourself. Having your emotions, and true identity, repressed could understandably cause anger. And where would you direct this anger at? Well, at other people of course.

The good news is your recognizing now what is happening. And while living in a repressive society, as it sounds you are, you can look to try and manage the shame and anger you are feeling. I am sure this will not be easy by any stretch of the imagination! So I apologize if this post sounds like an "easier said than done" type of post, that is not my intention.

But what choice do you have? If you have resigned yourself to living where your living, and if that does not allow for you to live openly, then you need to focus on getting your head around the shame and managing your anger.

Rather than focusing on what you can not have, consider refocusing your energy on objectives that are attainable that you would enjoy. Maybe it is being a strong student (if your in school), maybe its focusing on your career (if you are working), maybe its excelling in a sport or other hobby, or even helping others whom are less fortunate.

Maybe you can also share more about your circumstances and, with the added clarity, a more appropriate process to managing the anger can be articulated?

 

The thing about plans, is that they are always subject to change based on circumstances. So while you had a plan, maybe you should still have a plan? Just update the plan for your current circumstances. If you were going to leave previously, and still want to leave, come up with a new time table.

As far as feeling humiliated, again, thats the shame talking! The shame is diminishing your self esteem and confidence. Try and push back on those thoughts. You sound like a very thoughtful, responsible and sensitive person. Those are great characteristics! Leverage them to build your confidence and love for yourself.

 

Is moving an option at all? I know immigration isn't always easy, but in your shoes I think I'd set all my goals towards getting to somewhere more open-minded.

Anyway, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

 

I really suggest moving to a country that is more accepting; I know it is hard. (I know someone who fled from Pakistan because his family tried to murder him for being gay. Sorry if that scares you). From his experience, If you can't be who you are, go to somewhere where you can. Being who you are is more important then any job, relation or person you know in life, though it can be very VERY hard (and traumatic) to leave family behind, especially in a situation like this.

And I agree, it is a shame that something silly like religion causes this hate, religion is supposed to by about love, and about why or how we exist, not about hating eachother for factors that we can't mentally or physically change.

I wish I could give you a hug; You are in a situation I am glad I never was or became enrolled into myself.

The feeling of anger likely comes (Though I can't guarantee anything, I am not a doctor, don't take what I say as if I am.) from the way you feel. If you know, or strongly feel/think you are not going to be accepted for who you are, you will somewhere down in your jar of feelings start to feel less accepting of those people in most cases.; sometimes even mad or angry. (From personal experience)

I hope at least a section of my response helped you even though it was an utter mess.
Hugs from the Netherlands included

 

Congrats~ I hope you find love. I feel really fortunate to have been raised in a somewhat open society, nevermind the fact that my parents disprove of me being bi and joining an lgbt club. I wish you well

 

I honestly never expected to hear back, I am glad I could be off some help with my messy reply. Things may still stay very hard, Italy still isn't the best country and I can't really imagine the things you've had to go through and leave behind. I hope your life gets better, and that you find someone to call yours at some point, but don't forget to take time to stabalise and deal with potential trauma from leaving.

Though I can't promise my advice will always be the best advice you can get (no one can), if you need advice in the future, feel free to quote me again in this thread, I tend to check-up on empty-closets every few weeks.

Good luck to you and an additional hug from the Netherlands from me