13 year old asked me if it was ok if she had a girlfriend

Get allies before outing. A lot of allies. Best would be powerful people such as the local head of rumors. Your daughter should do the same and build a big clique, preferably including a brave young dude to defend her if things get physical.

 

Remember that wherever anyone goes there will always be people who won't be very nice, even if you're straight and cis you'll come across hate. Treat a lesbian relationship like a hetero relationship, the only thing that's different is the sex.

 

Have you done a internet search to see if there is a pflag near you? Also check for anti-bullying groups. A lot of the more recognized ones have included LGBT issues even in small communities.

Be there for her is the best advice. Let her know if she has any issues with anyone she needs to come to you asap. You'd be surprised at how accepting children are nowadays even in small towns. At least that is how it is here in my small USA. And we are small - we just got our first dollar store. Our kids are bused to the county school about an 45mins away.

 

What struck me is that you said the right thing at the critical moment. You behaved like the good parent that all kids want. "Is she nice?" "Does she like girls?" This is what your daughter will remember: that you were the Mom she needed. So... one good thing that will reverberate for a long time. Good work!

About social stigma, well what the above posters said. Like bunnydee said, the kids are always ahead of their elders on these topics. You may be pleasantly surprised. Hope so!

 

Aww that's so cute that she asked you. That means that probably means that she really trusts you. Worrying is good, but overthinking everything isn't.

 

Yeah, I agree with the above posters. You definitely did the tight thing and you sound like a great mom! I live in the kind of small town where everybody knows everybody. At my high school, we have what can only be described as a flourishing LGBTQ community. Myself and most of my friends have been out and open about who we are for years and we've all gotten way more promises of help if people try to give us shit about it than people actually giving us shit about it. I can't guarantee that it will be like that where you live, but if something does happen your daughter has the support of her family, and that can go a long way.

 

This may be difficult in a small town, but your daughter likely won't live in a small town forever. You need to help prepare her for a bigger world, without asking her to change. Therapy is okay as long as the goal is not change, a better goal would be support for her in this small town environment. She will find acceptance once she gets out in the world more, good luck!

 

I think you're doing the right things. You and this other mom are building a network. If there are older siblings a talk with them may be a good idea, ask them to keep their eyes and ears open. Give your daughter the same limits that you would if she were dating a boy.

 

Yeah, but she's 13. 5 years seem like ages when you've made a home in hell. And it will stick with you, when you leave. Her daughter shouldn't change, you're right about that. But probably be careful who to tell and other things.

 

What, not even grounded? I thought you were raised conservative. I was too and if I had a hickey on my neck at 13 I would have had my ass handed to me. :icon_bigg Not that I'm advocating for such extreme punishment. Just remember that being LGBT doesn't give kids a free pass to misbehave. While she may not appreciate it now treating her equally in disciplinary matters is also a show of acceptance and love.

I have to say I liked your description of her looking at the other shoulder like "What?" and then following that up with the implying statement. I wouldn't have been able not to laugh right then. After which I would have confiscated her phone and other electronics and threatened to talk to the other girl's parents about any future hickeys.

 

Props to you. That's some good parenting.

 

Wow, you are a saint. Even I would have been a bit "icked out" if I had a 13 year old doing semi sexual things with people.

Keep up the good parenting. lol

 

Firepit5, I'm a republican as well. You've got to set some boundaries. To set boundaries isn't an act of anti-gay sentiment. I assume that if she were straight, there would be the expectation of boundaries. Next thing you know, these two may start having sex! Set the boundaries and let her know that she will face punishment if she breaks them.

You've done pretty good so far. You avoided what's possibly the worst question of,"Are you sure?", and it's equivalents. You're also networking with the mom. Perhaps, you could try asking the mom how she handled her daughter's coming out and if she knows of any other allies in your town? Also, see if there are any LGBT support centers or groups around where you live. Good luck.

 

Wow! Kudos to you.

I've got nothing else to say, but yes, be with her. What most teenagers, that embark on a journey of self-discovery, need is someone to confide to. And that's what most parents are usually there for, to tend to the cubs. It's not easy to be different, and often times, society is cruel to the different, and when she encounters different struggles in life, be there as her confidant and her listener. Though, I know you know this, but it's just amazing to state the obvious because it's so heartwarming to know that there are mothers like you.

In terms of the hickeys, I'd definitely fume at her. Guuuurl, no. Set some rules, set some restrictions and limitations, and no means no. Teenagers are curious, and if they keep on feeding their curiosity, it would become a nasty habit. It's best that you avoid that, because when they enter the stage wherein they're obstinate, moody, and rebellious, things will get difficult. As I have previously said, be there as her listener. In eventuality, she'll start to question various things -- how she feels inside, how her body is constantly changing by the day, if she feels utmost trust and comfort from you, you'll definitely be the first person she'll come running to. Language is a significant tool to express one another, talk and listen.

To add, you're a lawyer, I'm sure when why's and how come's are being asked by your daughter, you can reason them out very well. LOL!

I'm wishing you all the best!!