I've been dating a girl for three years now. None of my family knows. Both sides are very homophobic. My dad's side isn't quite as bad as I do have a lesbian cousin that is still accepted into the family. My sister and brother-in-law are both very conservative. My brother once said that he has gay friends but he doesn't think gay people should be allowed to get married. My mom's side is a bigger concern. They're all conservative Catholics, especially my own mother. My girlfriend and I have plans to move in together next August. Until then, I'm stuck under my mom's roof. My plan for coming out was to wait until we moved in together, separate myself financially from my family, and then come out to them. A few days ago, my girlfriend asked me to marry her. This wasn't a surprise as we've talked about marriage before and I already told her if she proposed I would say yes. I asked her to wait until we'd moved in together but she said she just couldn't. The problem is now I feel twice as pressured to come out and twice as terrified. Saying "I'm dating a girl" was hard enough but now it's "I'm dating a girl, have been for over three years, and also we're getting married." I'm so tired of lying to everyone and pretending to be single, but I don't know how to stop.
I understand feeling pressured to come out. I honestly don't know what to say but I will tell you to hang in there.
Hey Aspen, Congratulations on your engagement! Unless you are planning on getting married right away, why not just Come Out to your family and give it a little time before announcing your engagement? When you Come Out to them, you could even let them know that you are in a VERY serious relationship already - you just wouldn't have to tell them how serious it is. Just a thought.
First off I wanted to also say congrats to you and your girlfriend on getting engaged! As for advice. Why not just accept that she put a ring on it and wait until August. That way it will still stick to plans and like you said, you'll be financially independent. Or you could just straight out tell your family you're engaged to a women. If you tell them all at once they might be so shocked they can't even freak out over it. In all seriousness, if you've already committed 3 years to being with your girlfriend, coming out to your family is one of those things you'll have to face soon anyway. However if you think that threatens your physical stability, and well being. Then putting off the engagement announcements for a little while might be best. I'm guessing you can't move in with your girlfriend right now either, correct? If that's the case I'm sure she'd understand if you wanted to not tell your parents right away. And I'm sure she doesn't want to pressure you.
Thanks all. I really do feel better. I am thinking about doing that. I was actually planning to come out to my dad's side of the family today but then I remembered my sister-in-law is friends with my aunt on my mom's side. My mom's side definitely can't know until I've moved out. She's currently living overseas so we really can't move in together until she comes home in August, sadly. We just had a conversation a few weeks ago about my coming out and how she was terrified that I might feel pressured by her. She does her best to understand, but her family doesn't care about sexuality and she's never really had to be in the closet.
If you feel your family is homophobic enough to give you a bad time until August, i would wait until near that date to come out. If they are homophobic, it isn't your fault if you just say "i'm getting married" and leave. If your mom's side can't know until you move out, then it may be best to avoid the subject for now. Of course, that's not a nice thing, but you shouldn't pressure yourself. Like i said, it isn't your fault that they are conservative. Now, if you think it will be worth to come out to them now, i think you should take it slow and plan it well first, especially since your mom's side can't know. And, of course, congratulations about your engagement!
