I have read a couple of posts about people who are bi and swing 100% in one direction or the other. I have certainly had times before accepting myself that I felt the gay feelings had 'gone away'. But once I fully embraced my gay feelings they became stronger than ever, I have never felt so intensely emotional and happy. When I finally accepted that I wanted to be gay I can't describe the wave of ecstasy that came over me... Recently I have started to have fears that I might get hetero feelings again, i unconsciously look at a woman and become a little excited. My thoughts might wander off to a little hetero sexual fantasy. This really scares me - I don't want to get back on that emotional roller coaster, and the hetero feelings aren't even remotely intense (like 1/10th that of gay fantasies) but they are enough to create doubt. I don't want to be bi, I don't want those feelings anymore! I just want to fully embrace my homosexual feelings. I never thought I would be saying this when I first came here but I KNOW I am fully gay and and I know these (hetero) feelings are not part of me. Did anyone experience anything like this?
I don't know if my experiences were the same but it took me a long time to get to the point where I could say "I'm gay" and so before that I felt more sure and less sure in waves. Afterwards I haven't felt that certainty fade but I've been able to look at some of the nuances in my sexuality, and it's given me room to think and grow. I'm not sure if that's what you're experiencing right now. No matter what you're feeling, the important thing is to trust in yourself and be honest with yourself. Whatever attractions you have are natural, whether you have just s little bit of Hetero feelings, or none, or a lot. It's ok, just be you. For me, no matter how I examine my feelings, i personally feel like holding on to the label gay and remembering that i know it's true for me, has been very valuable. It serves as an anchor for understanding what I feel. I hope this helps a bit.
Thanks baristajedi, this is very helpful and helped me calm down a little. I guess I have been been a little anxious because I have been trying online dating and haven't really had too much luck yet.. i started to think maybe its just a fantasy. But now I realize I need to move beyond online just go to some LGBT meetups like you've done. I thought about it it a little today - I spent years trying to suppress my gay feelings, deny them, and even try to redirect that sexual energy towards women, so it's not surprising that I might still do things reflexively. I also realize those long periods (before coming out to myself) of not having gay thoughts and fantasies were the result of repressing them. after thinking about it a little more I realize I was over reacting a bit- I was afraid my gay feelings were going to 'go away' but then I just realized I they are not just feelings it's who I am, and a sense of peace came over me. I guess this was just a little bump on the roller coaster, not nearly as wild ups and downs as before, and its just another step in fully embracing my sexuality.
The more actions you take, the more you move forward. Meetups are great for more substantial friendship building. I've met one romantic partner through meetups and lots of friends. It's so important to build both of those tyoes of relationships at this stage. The friendships will give you a support system and sounding board for sorting through your feelings, and the romantic relationships, well, obviously we want those, right?
How many things in life are 1000% certain, with no change or variance, ever? If you sit and think about it, very few things are and we just accept it without too much fuss or concern, but when we observe small changes in our sexual preferences we can become very anxious and start to worry excessively, even though it's all very normal. Human beings are a curious species with a tendency to wonder what it's like to do something different and daydream or fantasise about it, but it doesn't follow that we will act upon those dreams or fantasies in any significant way. Try not to worry about it. It's probably brought on by the sense of despondency around online dating.
Yes! Coming out has been very slow for me and I was just thinking that just doing online dating was a hidden way of giving into to doubt. I wanted to wait until I had a romantic experience to come out to friends.... and implied in all that is "what if I am wrong and I am not really gay". I didn't think I had that doubt still lingering but obviously I do and the only way to dispel it is to take real steps in the real world. Online was a baby step. But when I really think about it, its not really doubt. I know I am gay. Even though when I complained and doubted and feared, the day I came here and said it I knew there was no turning back, deep down I knew where I was going. I think it's just scary. I have read posts here about later in life people who were repressed and had that first encounter... how they practically collapsed to the floor or felt this incredible energy.....I know when I do finally do finally even kiss a man I am attracted to, that it is what is going to happen. ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2016 at 07:13 AM ---------- Yes as baristajedi suggested I have to do more than that - not rely so much on that and tie that to my identity. I also realize its silly I can accept that I'll fantasize or look at a woman once in awhile, its nothing like the intensity of feeling i have about men, and I don't even consider it enough to be 'bi'.
It's scary but I do want it to happen! It's more like the jitters.. like a bride feels on her wedding day, except we don't have a formal process, and we have to figure it all out. But it just occurred to me why I need to also start reaching out and being part of the gay community as well. Being online taught me I am not the only one going through with this, but I need to experience that in real life as well.
You're going at the pace that's right for you, don't worry about fast or slow. And you're continuously moving forward, you're doing great! And it's good to take baby steps. But getting out in person to meet people is great, so I do think it would be good for you. Of course it's scary, that's totally normal. But it's actually much less scary in the moment. Once I actually kissed a woman, it felt so natural and flowed so well for me. It may not be the same for everyone, but at least for me it just seemed to happen really smoothly because my feelings sort of pushed me along. I'm excited for you to start on this path! This is such a great step.
Thank you baristajedi, I can't tell you how comforting your words have been during this... when I am about to give up, give into doubt, i check in here and read your posts and ... you have read my mind better than I did and said exactly what I needed to hear. I have been trying to control my coming out too much! I thought, well first I'll meet someone (online because that's safe, I don't have to go out) fall in love with them and be so secure with them we can can come as a happy couple to my friends. I have also been waiting for validation and confirmation - but I realize that was stealth doubt - I won't tell my friends until i find a serious boyfriend, because otherwise, I might be wrong and then I would embarrass myself, after all didn't an old girlfriend just call me last night? I realize that I really can't control coming out, I just have to do it. I am gay.I have to start living that way. someone is going to find out before I 'officially' announce it. I might have to tell friends before I find a boyfriend. I might never find a boyfriend. but even if I don't I never will if I continue to suppress myself.
It's very common, during the coming out stages, to swing back and forth. That's part of the "bargaining" stage of the 5 stages of loss. It's also very common, as you become more comfortable with who you are, for your gay feelings to grow stronger, and your attraction to opposite-sex people to decrease. This, too, is letting go of bargaining and coming to terms with all of your feelings. It is virtually unheard of for someone to fully feel connected to being gay and later having hetero feelings "come back". Contrary to what some might try to tell you, sexual orientation is fixed, not fluid, and so once you've come out and landed wherever you are on the spectrum, from everything we know, that's pretty much where you stay.
Thanks Chip, this has been the case with me. When I first came here I thought I just had gay fantasies, but the more I accepted myself the more they became about romance and relationship, and making love with a man, not just sex. Then I realized they weren't "fantasies" they were visions of where I wanted to be and who I am. When I first started coming out it would be a roller coaster wild swings of denial and "I am not gay" occasionally getting off on a hetero fantasy, but each time I swung back to my true, gay self, the gay feelings were stronger than ever and the next swing back to denial/hetero was weaker and weaker. I no longer fear those hetero fantasies, I just see them as part of mask I wore for a long time- a mask I tried to wear even when looking in the mirror, that are just fading away.
If by virtually unheard of, you mean it is a statistical abberation, then yes you are right. Define fluid. Small shifts is quite normal, but huge major shifts are only found in medical journals involving brain changes and statistical anomalities in longitudal studies about sexual identity changes. Changes happen, but they're rare, and as they're accompanied by brain changes, it does not imply choices at all.
I just wanted to update this thread that this has been the case. My fear of hetero or bi feelings or lingering doubt are all but gone. I have realized that thought of having sex with women always sort unappealing, it was just something I was trying to like because everyone else did. I also realized that I was highly conditioned to look at women from junior high on "Hey check her out.. you don't think she's hot, what are you gay" and that I consciously repressed looking at men, for fear of being 'caught'. I see women now and admire their beauty and femininity but I am doing it a lot less, and it doesn't bother me or make me doubt. Especially since I am checking out guys now - it took a lot to overcome that. I love being gay :lol:
Isn't it just amazing, findingjoy, to look back on your old posts and see your progress? I think you ended up answering your own question: Yes, feeling scared of the possibility of the fake "hetero" feelings coming back is just a stage of coming out. So is the fear that you're making a mistake, that you won't like sex with a guy and will regret the whole thing, that you won't ever find a guy, and many many more. I'm so happy for you. You and I came out at roughly the same time and I see so much of my journey mirrored in yours. I love being gay too. Wow, isn't that just so powerful to say? Take care. ride:
Sometimes I can't believe the fears I had or rationales that I was not gay. Looking back , I probably had more fear of the emotional roller coaster and the doubts and anxiety when coming to acceptance. Yes it's still just as powerful as the first time I said it. It's the realization of intense intimacy and emotional connection that I can only experience with another man. The 'choice' is to pursue that or go back to that bleak way of living where such feelings just aren't possible.