No sexual experience and dating problems

Hey there. I'm 26 and I'm still a virgin by every single definition (I've never even kissed anyone). I fully feel your frustration because nobody wants me either. I'm too "old" to be a virgin.

Where are you at?? People like us need to get together. JK

But in all seriousness, you should bring it up with her. If It's a dealbreaker, It's a dealbreaker and she would want to know. I hope she accepts you, but if not you might need to search around. I understand it, it sucks a LOT. I accept other people's dealbreakers, but this one just gets really frustrating. It's hard to get experience if nobody gives you a chance. I actually started preferring other virgins or inexperienced women just because they are way more understanding and less likely to judge me. I don't think It's bad to have experience, and It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me if people understood more, but right now I just feel safer with others with my experience level.

Sorry you're dealing with this too. I completely empathize.

 

When I first came out, I was 26, and had never been with a guy (I had with one girl awhile back). I put it on my online dating profile that I was newly out. Looking at some of the questions I'd answered, like "top or bottom," I put that I wasn't sure yet. I figured it would probably scare some people off at first, but anyone who read it and still traded messaged me would be ok with it. It worked out just fine for me.

 

Oddly enough, I think gay virgins past the "normal" age are more common. I mean, it can take a long time for someone to come out as gay. They could come out early, but can't find a partner because gay people are the minority. If they came out early, they may choose to not sleep with the opposite sex out of fear they wouldn't like it and that it would waste their time. So if anything, more people should expect that we exist even after the age of 25.

 

i believe if the girl as great as you say, you should be honest with her or find some way to tell her this. maybe she will be very supportive and help you through this? maybe you will have your first time with her. of course it is easier for me to talk, but me and my girlfriend, she always repeated to me "if somethings wrong, just tell me" and if she hurt me or did smth pleasurable i always said to her and everything's fine. so all i really want to say, just build some trust, some intimacy in the atmosphere and try to be honest, because when i was a virgin well, my girl did things to me first, so i "have seen them" and then i just tried to do the same, later on i found my own "technique". good luck! (sorry if i wasn't helpful, but had to try)

 

I'm so sorry. This whole "virginity is a dealbreaker" thing is starting to piss me off too. I think I'm going to start holding "too much sexual experience" as a dealbreaker and see how everyone likes it.

 

It really shouldn't be a problem. I get that everyone has preferences and dealbreakers, but the virginity/inexperienced one just makes no sense. A virgin, ESPECIALLY a gay virgin can do well in bed the first time considering they're equated with the same sex genitals through masturbation. And someone with a lot of experience could be terrible in bed. Especially if all of their experience were one night stands where they could get away with being selfish/uncaring to the other party.

I think the only reason this annoys me so much is that It's usually a big double standard. If someone said they only wanted to date a virgin or someone with two partners or less, they'd be attacked and labeled as a slut-shamer instantly by these same people. Yet It's ok to shame and reject others based on their lack of experience. I could argue that their preference is prude shaming and misogyny, since it shames women for their sexual choices.

It aggravates the hell out of me and It's why I will no longer date a non-virgin unless they are extremely inexperienced sexually. I just feel less judged by them than I do by experienced non-virgins. Shouldn't have to have come to this, but since inexperience is stigmatized so bad, I have no use or want for a non-virgin partner anymore. I just do not trust them.

It'll be difficult to find another virgin around our ages, but I'm sure it can be done. I'm just going to remain patient until I find the other virgins, and maybe you can find someone too with time and patience.

 

Yeah, I am also in my upper 20s and am still a virgin. Just haven't found the right guy yet I guess. Don't feel bad, OP. You're not alone.

 

It's kind of like finding a job, you know? You can't get a job without experience, but you also can't get experience without a job.

It's ridiculous. I gave up on dating completely years ago because of this kind of crap. I think these virgin shamers are going to turn me into a fullblown aromantic asexual eventually.

 

Hi Sawyer,

I was just browsing the boards and noticed this thread. It seems like we have quite a bit in common. I'm also 28, from Toronto and a virgin. The only thing is, I don't have any dating experience and have never even kissed a woman:icon_sad: I just realized/accepted the fact that I'm gay a few months ago after years of ignoring the signs/being in denial. You are definitely not alone in terms of worrying about this (just take a look at my posts to see what I bring up most of the time!)

My biggest cause of anxiety isn't even coming out, which I've already started to do-- it's the fact that I have no sexual or dating experience. I'm worried that a) I'll never find someone and b) if I do, they won't think it's worth it to date someone like me. This is one of the reasons why I'm so apprehensive about trying online dating. I feel like people online have experience, know what they want in a relationship and won't want to bother with the effort of going through new steps with someone who they barely know if they even have any chemistry with. I guess I'm hoping I'll meet someone in real life and there will be such a strong connection that it won't really matter.

Sorry to make this about me, but I just really want you to know that you aren't the only person going through this exact issue. We aren't the only ones to come out late in life and deal with this (after all, there's at least TWO of us 28 year olds doing it right now haha) but it does feel very lonely and isolating. Good on you for actually have the courage to "put yourself out there" where as I'm scared to even take the steps necessary to meet someone. So, kudos to you for that :eusa_clap I'm so sorry that this was a "deal-breaker".. it's very unfair that she didn't even give it a real shot.

At least we have EC for support and people to relate to. Now, if only there were more in real life

 

Sorry to hear your relationship was such a horrible experience. It sounds like she was extremely unfair to you throughout the entire thing. It's unfortunate that people like that do so much damage to the people around them and can carry on afterwards like nothing happened.

And I do agree with you; I can see why it would be a big deal to someone who has been out for 10+ years or since they were a teenager. It's like having to go through all the beginning steps all over again. That's probably where my anxiety comes from-- the fact that I DO get it. Not to mention the fact that my best friend from childhood who is gay (and I haven't fully come out to yet) said a few months ago that anyone our age who hasn't been with a woman and is looking to do so is "automatically crazy." Like, sorry I didn't figure it out when I was 18 like you did but there's nothing I can do about it now... that just left me feeling very hurt and I can't get her saying that out of my head. Not sure why not figuring out your sexuality until you're in your mid-late 20s makes you crazy though.

I don't know if it's because of the holidays or the fact that I see a new engagement almost daily, but I really can't believe how much I've been thinking about the fact that I'm "alone." I'm not saying I'm waiting for someone to provide me with all my happiness but I've just never had a connection with anyone so I'm longing for the intimacy. To have a "person." Maybe in the new year I'll get the nerve to join some meetup groups or "Out & Out." Who knows what will happen but it isn't getting any easier!

 

Gonna pop in as a voice of someone who's not a "virgin," on either front: guys or gals.

In all honesty, there is something - for whatever reason - that can be slightly unsettling to hearing that someone isn't sexually experienced. There are a few things that have popped into my head when I've heard someone I want to be with say it, but the number one thing I've thought - especially if I really like them - is that I won't be the last. When you're the first, you're usually not the last. It gives an, over-before-it-starts, feel. Obviously, it's all insecure BS and total self sabotage on behalf of the person to turn down someone just because they're not sexually experienced.

The girl that made me realize I wasn't straight was intensely flirtatious and really forward, sexually...vocally, that is. She'd be so in my face but never make a move, and I started to wonder if she was actually a virgin and hadn't ever done anything. One day I straight out asked her, because she used to tell me how good she was at xyz (yucko. But also, lol), and then I got it out of her that she hadn't been with anyone ever. I was kind of taken aback, but had a feeling, and almost instantly was like...I cannot be with her. I'm not being her first...because I didn't want to be the person she practices on for the next one. Because I wanted her all to myself forever, which is obviously unrealistic and ridiculous (but probably semi normal when you're crushing hard on someone). And potentially would sabotage me from being with someone amazing. We still stayed friends and my feelings only grew, and then I didn't care anymore. I just wanted her and to be with her, no matter what that came along with. I never got to be wth her. She was just messing with my head the whole time, maybe like your ex, who sounds like a [bleep]. Anyway, like Chiroptera said, don't be with someone who puts so much weight on that. You don't want to be with anyone that shallow anyway.

My advice, as someone who has gotten freaked when I've heard this in the past is: don't be so quick to reveal that you're a virgin. Idk who you're talking to, but if anyone was just like, "hey girl. So how many people you been with and when's the last time? Got STDs??" on the first few dates, I'd run away. If you're the one that's revealing it because you think it's a big deal or deal breaker, you could potentially be unintentionally emphasizing it and making it seem like a problem or issue. If someone randomly popped in that they'd never had sex before, especially if we weren't talking about sex/even if we were just flirting, I'd feel like, "okay, is this a warning for some reason?" I'd just leave that kind of talking for a time when you're maybe going to get a little hot and heavy, or have some feelings for each other. It's much easier to think the girl you're dating and into hasn't had sex yet than the new chick you're talking to hasn't had sex yet. Become something and then talk about it. It's not like you're revealing anything major that someone would need to know immediately because it's an issue...I actually can't think of anything that would need to be known so immediately, like people with STDs don't even bring them up until having sex with a new partner becomes a real possibility. And those can be serious deal breakers. So my advice is, don't treat it like it's such a huge deal. It's not. At all. When someone likes someone, they won't care. They'll just want to be with that person. So go into things with that mentality.

I won't invalidate the fact that people do get weary over that knowledge. But yeah, I stand by my above advice.

 

I never thought about this situation since I'm only 21 and just had my first relationship with someone who hadn't been with another girl either. In a way the newness of it and exploration was a turn on for us. I hope you guys can find someone who doesn't find it a problem. We all have to start somewhere. Bright Blessings!!!!

 

I came on this thread out of curiosity and I am in the same position! I am 26 and still a virgin (slightly scary to say that out loud!). I've never even kissed anyone and it makes me somewhat insecure.

On the bright side, everyone is different! It may take a while to find someone your compatible with where having little/no experience is not a deal breaker. But it will be worth it