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Gender dysphoria getting in the way.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by BrookeVL, Dec 4, 2016.

  1. BrookeVL

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    I'm a full time student, who also works a lot at her shitty retail job. I'm pre -everything, but I am starting to take steps towards transitioning, like planning a move to LA with a friend of mine. I'm actually planning on moving out regardless of whether or not that falls through, so I can begin to actually transition and live as me, Brooke. I'm emailing a therapist who specializes in trans patients and trying to get that started, so I get my all powerful note.

    In the meantime, school is not going well. I'm in danger of failing every class right now. Part of the problem is, my dysphoria really has been fucking with me. It's been a huge distraction(like it tends to be) both in and out of class. There are times when I won't be able to concentrate on the lecture, and all I can think of is about how bad I feel, how much I hate my body and all it's maleness, and how I know everyone is gendering me as male. I've missed a number of days in one class, because the professor always takes roll by calling out "Mr/Ms Whomever." I hate this. Every time he calls my name with "Mr" in front of it, my heart jumps through my throat. I've even almost cried a few times. My other professors just pass out a sign in sheet, which isn't too bad, though I do hate having to sign my birth name.

    It's also been preventing me from doing my best work on my assignments. Some I've missed because I was too depressed to do them. I want to succeed but I seem to have little actual motivation to do so. I'm pretty sure I do have some form of depression, caused by our good friend "GD." Which is a big cause of my problems. I can't concentrate on my assignments, like right now, when I should be doing a literary analysis essay, but am instead posting on here looking for help.

    It's also been effecting my work. I sometimes have no motivation to actually do my job, so I half ass things. I also have been treating my co-workers badly at times. I'm never in a good mood it seems.

    My dysphoria was very mild before I started school. I was still able to push it down, and wasn't recognizing it for what it was yet. Only in retrospect, having read other's accounts of how it manifests do I realize "Holy crap, that's dysphoria!? I've always done that. Thought that. Felt that."

    Anyone else have this problem? How did you/are you coping? Any suggestions?
     
  2. StormyVale

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    Hey Brooke,

    I can't tell you much about dysphoria and dealing with that in class. I would maybe suggest talking to that professor about how he calls role perhaps if it bothers you that much. A lot of professors are somewhat chill and accommodating, but you know your professor's personality so take that into consideration.

    Also perhaps you could seek help from your schools medical counseling services on campus? I know that the school I went to had them. They might be able to help with accommodations if you need them for the depression from the dysphoria. Not sure what they would be able to do but it is worth a shot.

    Good luck!
     
  3. BrookeVL

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    At this point, there's no real point. I think we have two classes or something left.

    I have been meaning to talk with them. I really wish they could sign off on HRT, as it would save me a boatload, but I highly doubt they would be that well versed in gender and such.
     
  4. StormyVale

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    True. Perhaps at this point the only thing to do is find a way to deal with the dysphoria during class and figuring out what you can do to pass the classes? Perhaps there is a way to wear something that reminds you that you are female despite what you look like? whatever that may be? something small or hidden to help you feel better or remind you about being female. undergarments, jewelry, etc...
     
  5. BrookeVL

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    I do have some panties I could wear I suppose. I want to get a necklace or something too, that I can wear and be low key. That's a good idea.
     
  6. StormyVale

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    Perhaps you could also try a sports bra? That might also help. It would help you feel like a girl without being super obvious about it.
     
  7. BrookeVL

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    The thought has crossed my mind, but I have literally no idea how to size those, and I would have to do it online, cause I'm not quite ready for in person shopping yet.
     
  8. stoutdriver79

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    Underdressing is something that helps me tremendously when I can't present as me. Depression tends to compound itself. You don't feel the right gender, this depresses you, then your depression effects your school work, then you get depressed because you are not doing well in school. It builds and builds. If you are attending a traditional school that has normal semesters etc, it may be a good idea to perhaps take a break next term to catch your breath. I wear a sports bra daily with very small inserts or none at all, it helps me a lot. I have much larger forms that I wear when I can be more femme. Hang in there, you can do it!
     
  9. StormyVale

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    Online at least they will have size charts. You measure around under where boobs would be aka under your pecs. There are bra measuring tutorials online that could help too. I can understand not wanting to shop in person. I get weird looks when I step into the men's section for sweatshirts.
     
  10. BrookeVL

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    It really does compound itself. I'm wearing some cute panties right now, and it really does make me feel better. I'm definitely taking off after I get to LA. I'll need one semester to get back into things, get a job, etc. Just relax, and transform.:slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 4th Dec 2016 at 11:26 PM ----------

    Yeah, I'm just going to order one off Amazon. I really am thinking I'm close to being able to go shopping in person though!
     
  11. Rachyl

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    I found that baby steps in transitioning helped tremendously. Start small, and slowly work your way up. At least that way your mind can see that your doing something towards becoming your correct gender.
     
  12. BrookeVL

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    Yes, I have been trying to take small steps. Growing my hair out(I'll be getting extensions when I get out there), my first undergarments, the therapist, etc. I'm coming along, I just want to be farther already. lol.
     
  13. Delta

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    Sports bras are easier to size than other bras because your rib cage size is the only pertinent information for most sports bra manufacturers. :slight_smile: There are several on amazon for under $20 that are also super cute. All you need is a measuring tape. Wrap it around your chest underneath your breasts, right around where the band will lie.
     
  14. Zoe Izumi

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    the necklace thing helps me, I always wear my Digimon Crest of Light(belonged to Kari in the anime) which has ties to my chosen name and a nickname of it, while also helping me feel more feminine
     
  15. BrookeVL

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    Okay, I'm shopping for a sports bra!(I'll need some anyway eventually)

    I actually tried bra shopping not too long ago, but it just made me sad, because it reminded me I don't actually have boobs yet.... :frowning2:
     
  16. StormyVale

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    I am excited for you and wish you lots of luck!
     
  17. baristajedi

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    Hugs, Brooke. I know this is a big challenge and can be completely distracting.

    A lot of advice I would give has already been given. Just remember that no matter how small the steps feel you're always moving forward.

    Can you also wear something visible that reminds you of who you are? Csn you paint your nails, wear jewlelry, do something with your hair?

    I got really impulsive a month or so ago and buzzed my hair nearly fully off. And stated wearing boxers and androgynous clothes. All of that has provided a bit of relief.
     
  18. BrookeVL

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    (*hug*) Thanks Sam!(are we still going by that?)

    I would love to paint my nails, or wear makeup. But as much as I want to I'm not really ready for that yet. At least not if I'm still presenting male. My hair is still a bit too short to really do anything with.:frowning2:
     
  19. BrookeVL

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  20. iiimee

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    I think that the best thing for you to do is keep yourself busy. Small things like a feminine necklace might be an EXCELLENT idea, but the excitement of having it won't keep you happy through all moments of the day, or even most probably... My suggestion, as I said, is to keep yourself busy, with a mix of work, friends, and hobbies. I have been battling with a lot of things, gender dysphoria being one of them, but hanging out with my friends has assisted me with my work/other commitments, taken my mind off of my issues AND motivated me to not only pursue things, but to do so more fully- something I would not have done before I started forcing myself to plan out things to do, be out in the sun and eat healthy. Even when I fail one of these, the other two eventually help encourage you to do the other. For example, being out in the sun for at least 30 minutes a day has been proven to help with depression, meaning you are more likely to hang out with friends- which also helps- and commit to eating healthier- which also helps. I know I've mostly discussed how to battle depression, but it will help with dysphoria too, since you have things to take your mind off of it, and possibly less reasons to be depressed. Just one more thing I'd like to add is that you may think you're eating healthy, but a lot of people actually are not. Sites like caloriecount.com are an excellent way to check if you're being healthy, and how you can improve even further. Now, despite common belief, you may not necessarily need eight glasses of water a day, but checking online what you need might be helpful. Still, my personal measurement is that, if I can hear my stomach jiggle with water, I have had too much... Anyway, I'll stop ranting now! Take my advice, and good luck! Gender dysphoria's a bitch!