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The joys of questioning yourself (advice appreciated)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by goodvibes, Oct 23, 2016.

  1. goodvibes

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    Hi All,

    New here, and really love the fact i've come across such a great, supportive and relevant site! You can only imagine the bittersweet feeling of knowing i'm not the only human being on the planet who has had the joy of coming out and having every emotion under the sun as a result.

    In my early 30's and I came out to my mother last week, and a friend as well. Luckily they both were super supportive, my friend was fairly indifferent, she didn't see the big deal but DID bring up the fact that i've never been in a serious relationship with a girl...I guess a lot of people questioned me throughout,

    I had anxiety, guilt, shame , confusion , and doubt, as well as a lot of rumination and beating myself up over mistakes i've made over the years. I know I can be happy with a man but I have no idea how i'm even going to get to that stage of dating or seeing someone. I've blocked it out for so long that now I feel like I am questioning who I am. How can I go through these 'emotions' whilst getting through every day life?

    I hope some of it makes sense and I look forward to hearing about your experiences too!.
     
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  2. hrcbho1

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    Hey! So, I'm a bi guy in my early 30s, and while I've yet to come out to anyone, I can totally relate to all of those emotions you described. For years, when I would find a guy attractive, or when I would think about it, I often felt shamed and guilty for having those thoughts. For me, I felt for a long time that if I fully admitted to myself that I can be attracted to guys, then it must invalidate all of my thoughts and attractions to women. After awhile, though, I finally understood that I can have attractions to both genders and it doesn't invalidate or cancel anything out. So, my best advice is to first stop feeling bad about how you are feeling. Whether you're bi or gay or even just bi-curious, none of it is wrong, it's who you are! Also, sign up for a dating site, get your friend to go with you to a gay bar, and just put yourself out there, take things slow, and look as it as a fun journey. Currently, I'm in a serious relationship with a woman, who I'm happy with, but I wish I had taken the time to explore that side of my sexuality when I had the chance. It sounds like you do, so take advantage of it, and know you are definitely not the only one who has these same thoughts and emotions!
     
  3. goodvibes

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    Hey there,

    Firstly thank you so much for taking the time out to share your story!, I really appreciate it and honestly its somewhat of a relief to know there are others out there experiencing the same thing. I've never been with a guy EVER, so its completely new to me, I felt guilty for so many years flirting with guys online just to get rid of the edge and then going on to live my everyday life. I know bisexuality is one of the most confusing things ever, but I totally admire the fact that you've been able to live your life the way you want, your in a relationship and thats that...amazing.

    I guess the mind is conditioned a lot of the times to put a negative spin on situations like this, its almost as if its an internal battle half the time more than what actually is happening in real life! Thanks again and I hope all goes well!
     
  4. mangotree

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    My advice would be to try to enjoy this period of intense discovery.

    I'm in my early 30's too, but I came out a long time ago.
    The reason I'm writing is - it might not make you feel better but - our questioning and self-discovery and self-acceptance continuously evolves, regardless of when we come out or come to terms with things.

    I've found that as years go by, each time I learn something new about myself, it's a real eye opener, a weight off the shoulders that I didn't know was there, an epiphany, a 'penny drop', a feeling of authenticity and I love it when they happen.

    They're like a turning point, a fork stuck in the road. As if something has changed within me, something is not the same, (where I feel like) I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game.
    And yeah, some great songs stick in your head during those major realisations :slight_smile:
     
    #4 mangotree, Oct 23, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2016
  5. goodvibes

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    Hey Mango!,

    Thank you for the reply and great to see fellow folk from downunder on here.

    Honestly, I can always say I knew I was bi, or into guys at the least. I think being in the closet, for years means you put off 'thinking' about moving forward with the idea, so I totally get your thoughts on the penny dropping and discovering new things about yourself along the way. Theres so much to think about, relationships, kids, work, life in general and who you want to be!. Im normally a confident guy, I modelled in my 20's and was so confident, a lot of that confidence I question now, it feels like your emotions are running rife and pulling you in all directions, its like your body and mind are becoming anew and its one of the most confusing things ever!. LOL and ABSOLUTELY you better believe there are several songs that now make so much sense. Thank you again for sharing your story I really appreciate it.
     
  6. mangotree

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    Yeah, good to see another aussie here :slight_smile: there's not many here, but we do exist.
    It's been so long since I went through that - questioning and uncertain about where life will go after (in my mind) my future became hugely unknown and unconventional.
    I guess the big thing that helped me back then was meeting and becoming friends with happy gay couples and finding out that they're really normal and not as unconventional as I thought.
     
  7. goodvibes

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    That is awesome to hear!, I know exactly what you mean but the truth is I guess its not as outlandish as we initially make it out to be, in todays society especially. Its more of an internal thing than worries about the world. And agreed, id love to meet and be friends with some too but I am sure that will all come in good time! Thanks again for the reply!