1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

So much anxiety.....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Katchoo, Sep 7, 2016.

  1. BrookeVL

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you. It's very helpful, just knowing you've gone through similar.

    I actually really wished I could have "femmed" up my appearance the last couple days....but I'm totally "butch."(Can men use those terms?). But the only thing I had was socks(I shop for socks in the women's or boy's section, cause I prefer the fit, Plus I like some of the craziness in the colors/designs) and some flip flops that are unisex. And leggings, but it's too hot for those(winter layering is unisex too, I bought those in the men's section:lol:slight_smile: So I didn't.

    What you described kinda sounds like what happens to me. Some times I feel pretty "girly" others "he's compensating for something" levels of masculine, then back to default mode. This is the first time I actually questioned my gender to point where I thought I might actually BE MtF, though. Now it's gone away, but we'll see(it's been on/off the past couple of days.) Saturday was the worst though. Saturday/Sunday I was pretty convinced I was.

    I'm usure what you mean by coming freeing me up? I do plan on taking one less class next semester. We're dealing with our stuff now, which is definitely good.
     
  2. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yeah, that wasn't clear was it. Imean, I don't know your whole living and financial situation, but you have mentioned that you live with your family and go to school. So, I have assumed they are either paying for it or there is at least a subtle pressure to take a full case load and finish faster. Maybe if your parents knew you were going through a tough time and what was happening, they would be on board with you dropping how many credit hours you take next semester. Better to take 12 hours and pass than 17 and fail. Or whatever it looks like in your case.
     
  3. BrookeVL

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    No, my family isn't paying for anything. All financial aide and student loans. They support me going back, but they actually told me they thought I should take it slower, but they wouldn't talk me out of taking a full time schedule. Coming out as bi wouldn't really change anything.

    I'm still planning on doing that. The gender stuff they don't need to know about yet. I'm actually fairly certain I'm still a dude(like 90% sure.), but no need to cross that bridge now, especially since I don't know that it even needs to be crossed. We'll see.
     
    #43 BrookeVL, Sep 13, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2016
  4. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm feeling really sad and stuck. I need to think and I need to make a plan.

    I think one of the issues frankly is watching Transparent. I'm rewatching it because I'm excited about season 3 coming out soon, and lso I'm just using Amazon right now b/c I temporarily cut netflix for money reasons. But, watching them struggle so hard with LGBT issues, I think it's getting in my brain and being bad. Like, seriously, I should have watched American Horror Story Coven tonight like I planned. That probably would have been better. So.... I will find something else to watch/listen to/do until I'm in a better place.

    Realizing that my jaws are sore. Guess I've been grinding my teeth tonight.

    I need to look up a time that a kid is available at school so I can plan. I'll do that now.... Ok. So, if I can leave tomorrow at 9:15, that will be good.

    I need to put some dishes in the sink and also get a drink (non alcoholic). I can do that now.... Ok. Good. I'll try to make some more tea or something in the morning.

    Ineed to get ready for bed and get in the bed. .... Ok, sweet.

    Iknow it seems kinda dumb, but it really did help me to type that.

    Today a former coworker messaged me for a long time. I kind of assume he's closeted but married. I came out to him, hoping that if he ever does come out, he'll know he can talk to me. I feel really bad for him. He's made a lot of mistakes and made people angry, but, he's fundamentally a good person in a tough possition.

    Oh, alarms. I need to start using those again post-illness, lol.

    This afternoon Igot to the parking lot of this daycare where Isee some kids. I needed to see two, but I knew that 6 of my little clients would be in there after not having seen me for almost 3 wweeks. I thought about all the noise and crowd and interuptions and germs. (I assume that Icaught The Disease at the daycare.) Isat in the parking lot feeling super anxious for like half an hour. Then I drove the 20 min back home. I just couldn't do it. Tomorrow morning I'll see one kid, who I like a lot. Then I'll try the daycare again in the afternoon. Gotta try. Gotta help kids. Gotta make money.... Things are really hard. I hope they don't stay this hard..... I think Igo through seasons of things being hard like this, but it isn't always like this. I wonder why sometimes it gets worse..... Probably shitty self care. Like, still being awake at 1:30 and no where near able to sleep..... But, that's really as much a symptom as a cause. I stay up late for no apparent reason when I'm depressed. I remember during the Hell Summer I'd be up til 6am just watching stupid infomercials. Not even good ones like The Gazelle or ShamWow. The ones that wwere, like, face creams or something. .... *sigh* I don't know.

    Drink the beverage. Put the devices on the chargers. Lay down. Turn on a Buddhify meditation. Turn off the light. Sleep.

    Oh, good news. My mad frenzy of paperwork on Sunday night/Monday morning made it in time for payroll. She added on like $900! But, she missed like 7 hours to pay me. A head start for the next check, I guess. Glad I'll be able to pay the bills. THat's an important thing.

    ---------- Post added 14th Sep 2016 at 01:36 AM ----------

    Ok, good. I'm glad they're in support of you going slower if needed.

    Yeah, with the gender stuff, I think it's ok to feel somewhere in the middle and only make a thing about it if you think it will help you somehow, like by being more authentic or being able to express yourself in a different way or addressing body dysmorphia or changing pronouns that are painful. For me, I guess, I just want to love myself, be kind to myself, accept myself, and if something isn't broke, Idon't have to fix it. Like, feminine pronouns don't bother me, so even though sometimes I feel a bit like "they" I'm not going to ask people to change pronouns. You'll find what works for you, what level of openness you want and need. You will be ok. (*hug*)
     
  5. ZiJ

    ZiJ
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2016
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    LA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    You're a good planner, that's all i want to say :grin: oh and get some sleep! night!
     
  6. BrookeVL

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    YAY MONEY!!!! lol

    You can do it. Go help those kids!

    Yeah, somewhere in the middle is fine. I actually think it's kinda cool. I have no issues with pronouns, so that's a non issue. Not sure if that's just conditioning or being used to male pronouns, but whatever. I'll figure it out.

    And hey, if I do end up being trans, I'll make a hot woman! A hot, lesbian leaning, bisexual woman, that'll make some lucky lesbian happy. And if not....well I'm already a hot bi guy, ready to make some girl or guy happy!

    We should go to bed now. Hugs.(*hug*)
     
  7. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I listen to this podcast called Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men. It used to be called Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men. I think they (Jay) started transitioning last fall? I found out on Tumblr around the time I was second guessing coming out and very afraid of doing so. I'm very proud of Jay for being so brave and modeling bravery to me. I just found a column they're writing. Search Jay Edidin How To Be A Guy. It's really interesting and well done. Maybe Ilove it more because I've listened to 124 and a half episodes of their podcast, as well as a couple episodes of "Into It". There was a FtM youtube channel I watched like all of yesterday. Yeah, it's weird. Even though I identify as a woman, FtM gender stuff is really intreaguing. Like, I would love to have an STP packer or some kind of female urinary device. Heck yeah. Like, it's confusing to me why I'm so drawn to these stories when they aren't quite like my story. I almost feel like my interest in gender play is more of a kink than a differently gendered identity. I usually feel annoyed rather than relieved when I get called Sir. (Happened last week, despite hair down my back and seriously obvious TnA.) .... Maybe historically I have hated getting called Sir so much because I was really insecure in my femininity. I avoided learning how to do construction stuff (which Ireally like) for a similar reason. ..... Yeah, that rings true, that I've had an angry no-tip-for-you-waitress response in the past because Iwas kind of hypersensitive to it. .... Idon't know that I'm that much more comfortable with "miss" or "ma'am" than Iam "sir". *sigh* One of the things I really wish we had in English is a formal gender neutral, like a single word for sir/ma'am and a single title for Mr./Ms. No such luck, but at least we aren't dealing with every damn noun and adjective having a gender, having to come up with solutions like latinx. .... Yeah, this will proably be something I think about for a long time.... I really wish that I could manage to lose some weight, because I'm fat in all the feminine places, and it would be nice to actually be able to wear a pair of pants from the ment's dept without having to get the waist 5 inches too big in order to fit my butt, or to be able to wear men's shirts without the bottom two buttons threatening to die because hips. .... Yeah, I'll be thinking about this for years, probably. I should try to sleep.
     
  8. BrookeVL

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Oh my gosh, reading the first line of that, makes it even braver. Already having a straight spouse, and transitioning. I was reading an article in the new Rolling Stone about Laura Jane Grace, the singer from a punk band, Against Me! who's MtF. Her marriage didn't last, mostly because her (ex)wife isn't a lesbian. Typical stuff I hear trans people talk about: My relationship broke up, I don't talk to my family anymore, depression, what do we tell the young ones, all of it. Makes me glad I'm going through it now, cause I don't have a relationship to break up, or kids to tell.

    I feel really weird now though...not a man, but not like a woman either...a gendered I guess is how I feel this morning.

    I actually had a pronoun mix up weeks ago. I got called ma'am, and it felt weird. In all fairness I was on register, and the lady never looked up to see who was there, cause she was busy being a parent and controlling her child. I thought it was a bit sexist of her to assume the cashier would be a woman, but she was embarrassed when she looked up. I can't explain how I felt really. Just weird....I don't think I liked it. I've been pretty insecure in my masculinity forever. I know what you mean there. I stopped doing things, or didn't do them in the first place, because they were considering "girly." I wanted to try cheerleading in HS, because it looked fun, but I was too concerned with how "girly" it was, so I didn't.

    I kinda wish I could wear certain things from the women's section. The jeans are usually cut much nicer. It's not like anyone would even be able to tell these days, with guys wearing super skinny jeans...I tried those, but my friends picked on me, so I went back to slim fit. Also some of the shoes, particularly sandals. Men's sandals are like "Do you want to wear flip flops, or look like Jesus today?" Maybe I don't want either, but I don't want to wear boots or sneakers either.
     
  9. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sleep sucked. I missed first appointment. I took a giant nap. Now I'm just anxious about the world and procrastinating so many things to tomorrow.

    Plan.

    Food.
    Beverage.
    Medicine.
    Shower.
    Brush teeth.
    Wear something I like.
    Look at the to do lists. Congratulate myself on things I did since I last looked at it. Accomplish some things from list.

    I feel shity at being a person. I need to find some things that are like, yes, I like these things about life. Right now in only focused on the things in life that are hard or shity or that I just suck at. Gotta find things that feel good and not just like things i use to cope with bad.

    There's a mobile puzzle game I've been playing too much lately, kind of to dissociate and unplug from everything. Challenge. Don't play it today. At all. .... cuz if life isn't some kind of competition, I'm not interested.
     
  10. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Ok. I feel anxious and terrible. But, maybe I can go with the competition thing. Maybe if I can just do more than I did yesterday. That should be doable.
     
  11. BrookeVL

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I feel better tonight. Still having dysphoria, but it's very weird. Thought about it, and transitioning is a quite appealing thought, but so is staying male. Really weird. I need to study for math.
     
  12. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There was an episode of Invisibilia you should listen to. I'll look for it. It was one of the first ones.

    Yesterday, I did better than the day before, so goal met. Also, i didn't playthat distracting numb out puzzle game at all, so goal met. One of the supervisors (not my supervisor, so I don't know her well ) sat down with me for a long time and helped me figure out some practical, actionable steps to make things better at a number of levels. She spoke like someone who has wrestled with bad depression and won. I know that her talking to me is sort of a sign of being in trouble, but it really just felt like I got a new person on my team to help me, not like I'm at any particular risk.

    I overslept through two client times this morning. (They are kids I see at school or daycare, sothe day is flexible.) I think I can still make it work, though. My sleep is weird. Falling asleep is really hard, but I need more than usual, and I sleep like a rock. My alarm was going off for well over an hour before I noticed it at all.

    Ok. Goals for today. See lots of clients. Do things I like and really like liking them. Maybe a meal on the back deck, some comic book time, some hammock time.
     
    #52 Katchoo, Sep 15, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2016
  13. BrookeVL

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Last night was the most difficult so far. I'm crying as I type this, just thinking about it. I basically ended up crying myself to sleep. For the first time ever, I actively hated my genitals. They grossed my out. I started thinking about pretty girls which made me feel better, at first(I don't know why my brain went there, but it did), but then I started getting aroused. That was so disgusting to me, that's when the waterworks started. I'm still grossed out a little by them, but not too bad.

    My goals for today. Shower, eat(I haven't really been eating lately), go to class and concentrate on that, eat dinner on the deck, get some school work done before I fall behind again.

    Edit: Oh, yes I'd love to listen to that when you find it!
     
    #53 BrookeVL, Sep 15, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2016
  14. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The Power Of Categories - Invisibilia. Invisibilia, The Power Of Categories. It includes an interview with a bigender person, though an unusual bigender person. Interesting. Don't know if that fits you or not, but I like hearing other's stories.

    When I was in undergrad, counseling at the school health center was free, and when i was in grad school, there counseling was really cheap. Do you know if your school has mental health services available? It's good to talk to someone. Can help you avoid the total crisis you're worried about.
     
  15. BrookeVL

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you. I'm downloading that now. My school does have free counselling, so I think I'll have to take advantage of that.

    Oddly enough, something that has made me chuckle this morning is the thought of coming out to my religious fairly conservative family. Possibly coming out, not only as transgender, but essentially a lesbian on top of that. Odd thing to laugh about, but I think I've hit that point I hit sometimes where the least funny things make me laugh.

    I think maybe I'll go crazy with a bottle of Nair tomorrow. The usual areas of chest, back, and underarms, plus legs, arms, and maybe genitals. Se how that feels. Also I definitely will shave tomorrow, the facial fur is coming back. I also need a cut and dye job. Oddly enough I like my hair the way it is, I just need to get the back and sides cut(I have it in an undercut, haven't touched the top in forever.)

    I feel like I've taken your thread(I know you said you like me hanging out in your threads, but). Is there anything I can do to help you? Besides tell you how awesome you are?
     
  16. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Aaaaaahhh. Just got a reply letter from B out of the mail box. Only took like 30 seconds for me to start anxiety farting like a gassy antelope. Aaaaah.

    I will... Look at the other mail.... Then go to the rest room. I will put on music. I will consider whether or not I have any mixers for an alcoholic beverage, or else I might take an anti-anxiety pill, but not both, cuz that's real bad. Then Iwill read the letter.

    *deep breathing and all the coping skills*
     
  17. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Maybe I'll just copy and paste what I messaged my friend.


    ......

    That wasnt too bad. I only cried a little so far.

    She's kind. And so herself. And I feel guilty. And sad. And confused. And she mentioned a miscarriage, which causes all sorts of weird feelz.

    And she has donkeys and goats.

    And aparently she thought she was wrong to have a close friendship and that's why I cut her off, and she hasn't let herself really get as close to friends since. So, that feels weird, and kind of like my fault.

    She didn't say I was going to hell, so that's nice.

    I think that if she writes more, it will mostly be, like, here's what she's up to, and her absurd level of crafting, which aparently now includes GROWING her own cotton.

    Also, gathering natural dyes for said cotton from nearby fields and woods.

    Spinning thread. Damn. Hard core crafting.

    Friend. Wow. Very.

    Yup. Her dreams used to involve having angora rabbits and spinning yarn directly as she brushed the loose hair out.

    Friend: Wide-eyed emoji face

    Yeah. For a long time, she has politically identified as a "Crunchycon" which sounds like an organic version of Lucky Charms with a hippie leprauchan on the box.

    So, yeah, I'm emotionally distancing by focusing on her crafts.

    ---pause in writing---

    As she used to say often, Comparisons are odious.

    I think at some level I'm comparing my life to hers and being mad that I'm losing.

    I think she may be a little insane with some of what she's doing, but it still feels like she's done better..... And in a way, maybe that feels like I missed out by not staying as close to her as I could have......

    ...... Damn.....

    Like, she loved me through, like, bulimia and panic attacks.

    .... I think I have fairly consistantly made choices in line with my world view at the time. The best that I could at the time, and with integrity. And I'm sad and mad at the world that my social/cultural context meant that my feelings and choices were made to spin in pain for such a long time.

    ..... And I'm angry that that culture was reinforced so much by the object of my affection. She was so strong in her beliefs, which strengthened my commitment to following dogma that told me not to lie but kept me from being honest, and that told me that Icouldn't really, openly love someone in a way that was at all natural or easy.

    And I'm kind of frustrated and angry that it sounds like she's still kind of there in that worldview. Maybe I'm mistaken, though, because she didn't elaborate on that in this letter.

    I have this pattern where I start to be sad and regret my own choices, or beat myself up for them, and then I switch to remembering that I was responding to culture and "the system" and then I'm grieved at how that was, and then i'm grieved at how much it's still there and the same.

    Damn Trump signs in all these damn rural yards.

    I'm moving forward, at least, even if most of the country seems to want to elect a lunatic. And, it seems at least 5 notches better for a lot of the teenagers. And today I got to teach more feminism to an 8yo and be happy for a 17yo who was cuddling her girlfriend's hoodie.

    ____________________


    Sigh.

    I think I'll read it again a few times before I reply. I think I will reply.

    Sad feels. But, really not as sad as some of the other empty, lonely feelz. More like... grief than loneliness. Like, heartbroken, but in a dull ache kind of way, like, heart broken but maybe my heart is getting better?

    Writing her was the right decision.

    ---------- Post added 16th Sep 2016 at 12:01 AM ----------

    FYI, the sound track for opening and reading the letter. And 8tracks playlist called Fuck Anxiety.

    #NowPlaying on @8tracks: "FUCK ANXIETY" 8tracks radio | FUCK ANXIETY (16 songs) | free and music playlist - Sent from the #8tracks #Android #musicapp
     
    #57 Katchoo, Sep 15, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2016
  18. BrookeVL

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm currently too shitfaced to knew what you said. I'm listing to kiss me i'm shitfaced by dropkick murphy's. something about your friend messaging you back. I can't feel my face, or my body. I had a date with sailor jerry. I'll contribute to thread tmorrow.
     
  19. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Damn. Yeah, when you read that tomorrow, you'll be like wow, i really was shit faced.

    I've been sitting here just resisting sleep for about 2 hours. I should at least put on comfy pants and go lay down.

    I don't know where the hell to put this letter.

    What's something nice I can do for myself right now.... Well, nice for the fish would be feed them, since that hasn't happened in a couple days. Maybe also some comic book. Yeah. Bed, and read some comic book. Sounds good. I think I still have some WicDiv I could read.
     
    #59 Katchoo, Sep 15, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2016
  20. BrookeVL

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm watching hockey. No idea what's going on. which is weird. You should get drunk. It helps.

    ---------- Post added 16th Sep 2016 at 01:53 AM ----------

    Dman it. this game is going to ot. I have 8am class tomorrow. but I want to see end of Can vs. Russia. Damn